Pariahs

 Mamaw's funeral has come and gone. M not being there was palpable to us. 

This is rough.

He has no idea how what he did is affecting us and our lives. There was actually a bit of relief that he had not gotten parole. I am still not sure how we will cope when he does. 

One thing is certain, the sister in law and brother who said they supported us no longer do. The ones that we knew instinctively that if/when they found out they would not speak to us. We are not sure what happened but SIL would not even look at me and basically ignored us at the funeral. This was the woman who took me out to breakfast after she found out and said we were crazy for thinking they would not support us, How M was her nephew and no matter what he did she would be there for him/us. So much for that.

We have always considered ourselves the black sheep of the family. Nothing ever changes.  

Grandparents

 We are waiting on the call. The call from my mother in law telling us our last remaining grandparent has passed away. 

Mamaw has had it rough the last few years. She outlived her husband, Papaw. She has outlived a 9 month cancer prognosis by 2 years. She lived in a neglectful nursing care home where she broke her wrist, her ankle and her hip. She was moved to a wonderful home a few months ago. And of course this past year has lived without seeing her family except through a window. 

She has had a good life. She married her childhood sweetheart and had a marriage that hubby and I strive to emulate. They moved from her childhood home in a tiny Southern town to the big city. She raised two daughters. She has 6 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren and one great great grandchild. 

I have known Mamaw longer than I knew my own grandparents who died in 1998. She and Papaw are my grandparents even if it is by marriage. They accepted and embraced me as their own granddaughter. I have never felt like an in-law. 

The pain at the loss is palpable. Even though she is not yet gone I am mourning. Maybe the knowing it is coming is worse than the shock of it happening. I have longer to mourn the coming loss. I remember the heartbreak when my Grandma died and then when Grandpa died months later. The shock and pain and grief. I have caught myself crying in remembrance of them even now years later. When Papaw died it was a shock and I felt the same as when my own grandparents died. With Mamaw it has been different. She was diagnosed with cancer and given 9 months over 2 years ago, we mourned a bit then. Every holiday was to be her last. But then she kept fighting and two years later she is still here. There have been many many times when my MIL would call telling us Mamaw was not doing well and to come visit because she may not last the week. And we did, until Covid. This last year the visits have been window side at her new home. The calls are more frequent but she always seems to pull through. Two weeks ago we thought that was it and then we were Facetiming her while she ate ice cream feeling so much better. Yesterday though, the call came that my MIL and aunt should be at her side until the end. This was yesterday afternoon. 

And now we wait. 

My heart is breaking.