So I told someone. Someone not family.
I am still terrified that she will tell someone. But I want to start trusting again. I need to be able to trust someone other than Hubby.
I have never had close friends other than hubby. I have always had trust issues and I am also pretty much an introvert. It has always been difficult for me to get close to anyone.
We have always been incredibly close and codependent on each other. That is how we have been able to run a business together for 30 years. And it is enough. It has always been enough. It will always be enough.
I see women who have multiple close friends and there is a bit of envy. But there is also a sense of relief that I do not have to deal with so many peoples issues! I know I am not like most women. I don't understand them.
A and I are not alike at all. She is loud and outgoing and I am not! When we first met I was annoyed at how outgoing and friendly and talkative she was. We are alike in ways that I think are important though. She loves and trusts and respects her husband. She cares for her grandkids as I do. Her family is important to her. I hate talking on the phone but we can talk for over an hour and I am not frustrated by it.
And some reason I feel like she is one of my closest friends. I feel like I can tell her anything and she won't judge me. I feel like I can trust her. I hope and pray that I am right.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Social Distancing
The news reporters have been using my term..."The New Normal". Social distancing is the new normal for the rest of the population. I feel like we have been in social distancing mode for awhile now. Trying to stay just far enough away from friends and family so that they don't ask questions.
Personally I am fine with this "new normal", it keeps me from having to make excuses.
I have been forcing myself to interact with people. To do things I would not normally do. Yesterday I did creative video of our churches worship so that it could be shown via the internet for service. We have not been to church in such a long time because hubby has been working. Normally I don't like doing video, but I enjoyed the challenge. And it got me out of the house and involved in prayer with the band.
I think as much as I would deny it, I need some social interaction. My problem is that I only want to do it on my own terms. Most people are probably like that. I doubt I am any different. Except that I have to force myself to do it. I really did not want to go film at church yesterday, but I enjoyed it while I was there.
M is upbeat as usual. I don't know how he does it. Actually I take that back, he is me in a different body and it is normally hard to keep me down. He got a job in the woodshop. It was what he was wanting to do. He was pretty much a shoe in. He has always enjoyed working with his hands so this is really kind of perfect. He will be learning cabinetry and furniture building. I only hope it translates to a decent job when he comes home.
The letters for his clemency hearing have been sent. I almost wish we had not asked his grandparents to write letters. My FIL is such a...well...I really don't know how to describe him. He made a statement in his letter that he would "need to be watchful of M's behavior and influence." and that if "necessary, confront him is issues arise"
DOES HE NOT KNOW HIS GRANDSON????
I just want to scream! I hope M does not even use it. I am so upset with how cold the letter comes across. This is the same man when we sat and waited for them to take M away sat in silence and when M asked him if he had anything to say, hoping for support, said "I have said all I needed to say"
Hubby has not seen the letter. I photographed it before sending it yesterday, because they were late and we needed to get them to M in time. I am not sure I want him to see it. Our relationship with my FIL has been strained for a few years now due to various issues and I don't see this as a way to repair it.
Maybe I am wrong. Lets hope I am wrong.
Personally I am fine with this "new normal", it keeps me from having to make excuses.
I have been forcing myself to interact with people. To do things I would not normally do. Yesterday I did creative video of our churches worship so that it could be shown via the internet for service. We have not been to church in such a long time because hubby has been working. Normally I don't like doing video, but I enjoyed the challenge. And it got me out of the house and involved in prayer with the band.
I think as much as I would deny it, I need some social interaction. My problem is that I only want to do it on my own terms. Most people are probably like that. I doubt I am any different. Except that I have to force myself to do it. I really did not want to go film at church yesterday, but I enjoyed it while I was there.
M is upbeat as usual. I don't know how he does it. Actually I take that back, he is me in a different body and it is normally hard to keep me down. He got a job in the woodshop. It was what he was wanting to do. He was pretty much a shoe in. He has always enjoyed working with his hands so this is really kind of perfect. He will be learning cabinetry and furniture building. I only hope it translates to a decent job when he comes home.
The letters for his clemency hearing have been sent. I almost wish we had not asked his grandparents to write letters. My FIL is such a...well...I really don't know how to describe him. He made a statement in his letter that he would "need to be watchful of M's behavior and influence." and that if "necessary, confront him is issues arise"
DOES HE NOT KNOW HIS GRANDSON????
I just want to scream! I hope M does not even use it. I am so upset with how cold the letter comes across. This is the same man when we sat and waited for them to take M away sat in silence and when M asked him if he had anything to say, hoping for support, said "I have said all I needed to say"
Hubby has not seen the letter. I photographed it before sending it yesterday, because they were late and we needed to get them to M in time. I am not sure I want him to see it. Our relationship with my FIL has been strained for a few years now due to various issues and I don't see this as a way to repair it.
Maybe I am wrong. Lets hope I am wrong.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
Happy Birthday
It was M's 24th birthday yesterday.
We sent him birthday messages. It was pizza and movie day so he was upbeat. What a way to spend a birthday.
We are working on letters for his clemency hearing. Since I am sending them all together everyone is sending them to me. As I read them I can feel the hope and the sadness. It makes my heart break every time that it has come to this.
We sent him birthday messages. It was pizza and movie day so he was upbeat. What a way to spend a birthday.
We are working on letters for his clemency hearing. Since I am sending them all together everyone is sending them to me. As I read them I can feel the hope and the sadness. It makes my heart break every time that it has come to this.
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Trying to find faith
So much has happened the last year. Although it has been a rough 5 or 6 years that this one just seems like a nail on the coffin. Sometimes we feel like Job. But you could say "But you have your health and no one has died" ...well yeah...sure. We have our health. Sigh. Here is our history of the last few years in a cliffs notes version:
Robbed 3x
Tornado tore through our house.
Oldest son dropped out of college, moved home, went on a destructive drug abuse binge, got a girl pregnant, moved out, got married, moved back with child and new wife, moved out again.
Middle son, dropped out of college, moved home, joined Air Force, ruined everything now in jail.
Youngest son, graduated high school, never went to college, still living at home, dead end job, stoner, no drivers license.
Business failing due to economy and hiring someone who destroyed clients trust in us.
Husband had to take terrible job to pay for middles sons lawyer bills and general bills from business failing.
But we have our health.
In all of this I have been trying to find God.
Being robbed forced us to upgrade the gear we need for our business.
The tornado meant we got all new windows and carpet which we desperately needed.
Oldest son gave us a wonderful grandson.
Middle son...well he is in Bible study while in jail.
Youngest son...we are still working on that.
Oh and we have our health.
They say God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes so mysterious there is no way to figure them out. I know that I have not been praying as much as I should. We have not gone to church in forever because hubby has to sleep until 1 or 2 because he works until 5am. We have our small group every week but honestly if we did not host it at our house I would not go. It just feels like so much. Too much.
But I know in my heart of hearts that He is still there. I don't think He is testing us. I do think the other IS testing us. Trying to get us to deny God. But as bad as things are and have been I can't deny God. I can't deny my Father. I don't call him enough but He will not stop loving me regardless. It is up to me to call on Him.
So yes, we have our health, but we also have our Faith. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed right now. All is not lost even though sometimes it feels like it is.
Robbed 3x
Tornado tore through our house.
Oldest son dropped out of college, moved home, went on a destructive drug abuse binge, got a girl pregnant, moved out, got married, moved back with child and new wife, moved out again.
Middle son, dropped out of college, moved home, joined Air Force, ruined everything now in jail.
Youngest son, graduated high school, never went to college, still living at home, dead end job, stoner, no drivers license.
Business failing due to economy and hiring someone who destroyed clients trust in us.
Husband had to take terrible job to pay for middles sons lawyer bills and general bills from business failing.
But we have our health.
In all of this I have been trying to find God.
Being robbed forced us to upgrade the gear we need for our business.
The tornado meant we got all new windows and carpet which we desperately needed.
Oldest son gave us a wonderful grandson.
Middle son...well he is in Bible study while in jail.
Youngest son...we are still working on that.
Oh and we have our health.
They say God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes so mysterious there is no way to figure them out. I know that I have not been praying as much as I should. We have not gone to church in forever because hubby has to sleep until 1 or 2 because he works until 5am. We have our small group every week but honestly if we did not host it at our house I would not go. It just feels like so much. Too much.
But I know in my heart of hearts that He is still there. I don't think He is testing us. I do think the other IS testing us. Trying to get us to deny God. But as bad as things are and have been I can't deny God. I can't deny my Father. I don't call him enough but He will not stop loving me regardless. It is up to me to call on Him.
So yes, we have our health, but we also have our Faith. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed right now. All is not lost even though sometimes it feels like it is.
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