2021

 Today is the last day of 2021. Tomorrow begins 2022 and less than 60 days until M comes home. 

He was declined parole again, although we were not surprised and honestly it would have reduced his time by maybe a month. 

The parole officer is supposed to contact us next week. That brings up a whole host of questions and concerns. We are pretty well known in our area so the chances are the PO will know who we are is pretty good. I guess we can only keep it quite so long. 

Wondering about how this will impact our lives is the biggest thing right now. 

Are they going to make surprise visits and expect to search our house? 

Are we going to have to lock everything up? Alcohol, guns, computers? 

I am supposed to get him an ID. How am I supposed to do that? 

Sigh

We will get through this. And he will be home. That is all that really matters. We are leaving the Christmas decorations up since he has missed a few. Although we may change our minds as we look at a Christmas tree for the next 2 months. I am excited to see him. It will work out.

Closer

 5 months

On one hand it is almost half a year on the other hand it is remarkably close. 5 months and he will be home. 

M had another parole hearing and it was denied. It still has to go to the government of course but we really don't think he will get it. Even without parole he will be released in 5 months. The prospect is scary as well as sad and happy. 

Happy because we get to see him for the first time in almost 3 years (Other than 1 video call a couple of months ago). And we miss him. I miss his excellent hugs and his cheerfulness. 

Scary because of the unknown. We know so little of how we will be impacted by him being home. And what we do know scares us. 

Sad because of the loss of his future. Or at least the future he should have had if he had not done something so incredibly stupid. 

He sad the other day that he would probably never get married. This is the son who wanted to get married and have a ton of kids. I am hoping he can have a more normal life and find someone who will accept him. 

It is all coming back again. I had been able to ignore the inevitable for awhile and now it is so close. I am not quite sure what to do. 

And it's a No

 The news is not good. 

"They believe that I have not served enough time. "continued confinement is the most appropriate  disposition at this time." "the board determined that parole approval would depreciate the seriousness of my confining offenses.' "

Well that sucks. 

They are recommending Mandatory Supervised Release (MSR) at his minimum release date which will be next April.  I guess we will find out what that all means soon. 

Sigh

Hurry up and Wait

I think that is the motto of the military. 

M has still not heard anything. We were all told 2 weeks, but obviously that is in military time. So we wait. 

His great grandmother is not doing well. She is in continuous care right now and they are allowing my MIL and aunt in to visit for a couple of hours at a time. So we know it is close. I am not sure how to go about telling him when she passes. I messaged him last night to tell him she was not doing well. But I never know when he reads his messages. I doubt very highly they would let him come home for the funeral. I know that will destroy him. I am not really sure what to do. 

And it's done

 And there is nothing else we can do. 

The parole hearing was yesterday and it went about as well as could be expected, I guess. I don't know what we expected. 

How it worked. 

We had a time to call in and speak in support of M. It was all done via call conferencing because of Covid. Once we called they made sure everyone was in on the call and then asked if we had anything to say, we had 30 minutes. R had prepared talking points based on what I knew we needed to touch on. He did most of the speaking fortunately. 

The moderator actually commented that we had done our research. 

After we spoke they had the opportunity to ask questions. Only one person had questions as well as the moderator. (That was not what he was called I just don't remember) M had put that we would employ him he returns home in his parole plan. They did not like that. We are photographers and they were concerned that he might be around children. (Whatever) We also had in there that we live in an area with a high concentration of warehouses he could be employed at. As well as friends in construction who have already said they would put him to work. 

I get that they don't want him in a situation that could tempt him. But thinking he is going to pick up a camera at a wedding and start taking pictures of little kids while he is surrounded by a hundred people is just crazy. And they want him to reintegrate with society. They can't expect him to never be around kids (supervised of course). This concern seemed overly dramatic.

We had been told that we needed to get him a therapist that would agree to work with him. I found one, only to be told by the moderator that the parole office has their own therapists they will want him to work with. 

Overall I have no idea what they will decide. I think we did well. We should know in a couple of weeks.

There is a weight that has been lifted from us though. There is nothing else we can do. He either comes home in this Spring or next. And it is out of our hands. There is relief in that.

Parole Hearing

 Tomorrow 

Well tomorrow is Ms last chance to come home early. 

The official parole hearing. The one that matters. The one in DC. 

We call in and speak our piece. To try to convince them that M would be better off at home. Which to us seems totally logical and well duh of course he would be better off at home. But to them he is a terrible person who did horrible things and should be kept locked away as long as possible. 

Yeah I know. They may not really think that. But it seems most people do. 

I am scared. We really have no idea what we are supposed to say. If we say the right things he gets to come home in May. If not it will be next May. 

We are all nervous. 

My father in law has started buying him tools to start a wood working business. This man who was never around for his own son. Who did not show up for our wedding. The one who can only spare one day when we come visit. Is being so incredibly supportive of M. While Rs own brother ,Ms uncle, is having second thoughts, his father is sending tools to help him succeed. 

I just can't. 

Another Holiday

 Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and surprisingly it was much like last Thanksgiving except this one small Thanksgiving was thanks to Covid. However that did not make it any easier. 

The stress of all of this is taking its toll. 

MJ called late. Somehow he got permission even though it was after lights out. He sounded down. They apparently ran out of food before his group got to eat so he pretty much had scraps. Which I guess most people might shrug and say "Well he is in prison" which is true, but it does not make it any easier. 

His parole hearing with the actual parole board is in January. Honestly though we are so tired of even having to deal with all of it. It is all just so much. 

There are moments of light and joy. I put our Christmas decorations up early this year. I needed it. This was the first year I have ever put the decorations up or played Christmas music before Thanksgiving ever. It's kind of nice. 

I am trying to find joy. It used to be there all of the time. Now it is only there in small moments. So now I actively seek it. I look for it everywhere. It is much harder to find now. But at least I am looking.

Justice is Served?

 MJs parole hearing did not go as we would have liked. Nor did it go in the favor of 4 other SOs in his pod. He had not even sat back down to wait for the verdict before they called him back in to decline. Same with the other 4. 

However they did grant parole to someone who had been in for less than a year and had committed murder. 

Justice? 

Parole Hearing

 MJ has a parole hearing today. This is the first step to him coming home potentially this spring. Which means it is all becoming real what we will be faced with living with him being on the registry. The impact on our lives is becoming more and more real. 

I have spent the last few months trying to remove myself from it all. At least for a little while. To try to live a semi normal life with Hubby working nights and trying to work through a pandemic and being alone most of the time. It is all mentally draining and thinking about the impact of when MJ comes home is just more than I can/could bear. 

A couple of weeks ago MJ asked me to contact the local police and try to get a letter confirming that he could legally live here. My bubble of mental wellness has been officially broken. It is all real again. The talks with family discussing it all have begun again. Because family who told us they were supportive suddenly are not. The stress of making sure our business is not connected in anyway with our home address. The new worry that the neighborhood will be notified that an SO is living here. 

This comment on a forum struck me.

"Sorry you’re going through this but also thank you for not kicking out your kid and disowning him. I’ve seen that happen to many times to younger people." 

It truly made me sad. No matter how difficult this all is, I could not imagine disowning him or not allowing him to live here. Yes this is going to be incredibly hard. Especially if the whole neighborhood finds out. But we will get through this. We will get through this together. Yes family and friends may decide they do not want to be a part of our lives anymore. That will be hard. But not supporting our son would be even harder. 

He did something incredibly stupid. But if God can still love him and forgive him then who I am to judge him? It is not my place to judge. I do not have the authority to judge a person for mistakes and sins. The charge I have been given is to love and forgive. 

And that is what I intend to do.