Doctor Who

Hubby has taken a job working nights.
Our youngest is with friends.
Our oldest is with his family.
Our middles is on jail.
And I am sitting home alone.
I am working with Doctor Who as my background noise. It is the episode where Rory is taken back in time by the Weeping Angels and the love of his life decides to go with him leaving everything else behind.
I always cry a little.
But as I look up to watch the last scene the tears become sobs. Because like Amy and Rory life will never be the same.
It has actually been a while since I have cried. But for some reason sitting here alone triggered the reality that life really sucks right now.
I spent Christmas day at the in-laws house with the entire family, worrying about who was going to spill the beans. The 4 year old who knows his uncle is in jail? Or the mother in law who can't stand keeping a secret. Or would it be the nephew who despises us for random reasons and somehow seems to know?
The one bright spot in all of this hell is the grandson. He comes in cheery and with a ready hug and chatters incessantly. He will snuggle with his Mimi and offer me snacks. 4 year olds are oblivious to it all.
My lack of time with my husband and knowing that my son is in jail though, takes over my emotional state. Today is a bad day. I am barely holding back the tears.
Life really really sucks right now.

It doesn't feel like Christmas

Not one bit.
Yes we have a tree up and I have made some Christmas cookies and a few, very few presents have been purchased.
But it feels like we are just going through the motions. There is no joy or excitement. Nothing to look forward to.
The past two years have revolved around M and just getting through it all. It did not help that in that time we were hit by 90 mile an hour straight line winds and had to rebuild our house, our business has been suffering because of stress, we have decimated our savings to help M and a multitude of other stress' to make our lives hell.
We can relate to the Book of Job. It feels like the devil has been given free reign in our lives.
We try to find little moments of joy, but they are few and far in between. It is about surviving now. Trying to keep our heads about the waves that keep growing as if there is a hurricane surrounding us. We have always said we are blessed. Blessed to have our health and a roof over our heads. God always seemed to provide when our business slowed down in the winter. We have always had just enough work to pay the bills.
But that is not the case anymore. Hubby has had to pick up a job for the first time in 30 years of being in business. How do people get by on just $15 an hour? We are going to be selling our office space and working from home to save on expenses. And we are looking into every form of advertising possible, not that we have the money to pay for it. Our credit has been destroyed and the credit cards are maxed. It is not just M who has been punished by what he did.
Maybe I am more depressed because I have been sick for 3 weeks now and I am just sick of being sick. Or maybe it is all just hitting home that nothing will ever be the same again.

Even If

I had to drive a lot today. 7 hours by the time I got home. So I streamed Christian music. I was doing fine, singing along and relaxed until this song by MercyMe came on. I bawled my eyes out and when I heard it again on the way home, I bawled again. Music, good music reaches into your soul and grabs a hold, and this one would not let go.

Even If

MercyMe

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
'Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Bart Millard / Ben Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group, Music Services, Inc, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Group

3 calls and another letter

He called 3 days in a row! Incredible! The first time he called I am embarrassed to say I was incredibly excited.
We only had a couple of minutes before he was called away for some sort of lock down. I did pretty well, I did not cry until I hung up the phone. I am pretty proud of myself. I am a crier, big time. So I was convinced the first time I heard his voice I would lose it. The main thing he said "It sucks".
He sounded so down I just wanted to hug him. It is a terrible thing when you can't hug your baby.
I was surprised when he called again the next day. Hubby got to talk to him because I was working. He felt so bad when he found out his Dad had to pick up a night job to help pay the lawyer bills. Hubby just told him he will have to be the one to take care of us in our old age. He seemed in better spirits and asked for money for the commissary which they can visit on Sundays. Since he is confined in a pretrial area until he goes to his "permanent" confinement, he gets limited use of the common area.
Then he called a third time! This time to talk to me. We had asked him for a list of books so that we can have them sent via Amazon. He has always been a voracious reader. He had already read three books in the first few days. He said getting books is like doing a drug deal. You have to "buy" them with other books or food from the commissary.
I have been pleasantly surprised at the cost of the calls. I had read horror stories of $1-3 a minute, so I put $15 in his phone account thinking I would have to refill it after each phone call. Instead we have had 3 calls and it has cost less than $3.
We received a letter today as well. He told us what he was telling others as he was advised to not say why he is really in. His story is that he was carrying a pound of weed in his trunk with scales and baggies onto base and a drug sniffing dog "sat" on his car. It seems to be going over well. Funny thing is he does not even seem realize how much actual pot a pound is!
He is getting along well with the older men and seems to be doing ok.
If the amount of letters and calls seems like a lot, it probably is for most people. We have always been a very close family. He says he plans on calling every couple of days if possible to keep in touch. This is our boy.
This is how we raised him.
He is not a monster.

Strange Dreams

I rarely remember my dreams come morning. Lately however I have been having strange dreams about committing robberies and getting away with it. Or at least being in the process of it.
I could analyze them, I am sure there is some meaning there. But I am too tired. I am mentally exhausted.
Some days are good (If you can call it that), some days are not.

God speaking?

There is something that I have started to feel pretty strongly about. This is a recent feeling and one that today I am feeling stronger than ever. I know where it is coming from but I have not figured out how to actually act on it.
Since we discovered what M was being investigated for I joined a few groups for support for families and actual offenders. What is coming to light to me is the harassment and anger that is directed to those who are on the List. The mean and nasty comments on posts is distressing to me. Comments wishing SOs go to hell and that God does not love them and they should be castrated. The comments and general feeling of society is disheartening.
I do admit that before I knew M would be on the registry we knew about it and worried about all of the molesters and rapists who were on it and if they would live close to us and our children. Little did I know what the List really was. A way to ostracize a group of people who had served their time and were just trying to get back to living a normal life. SO's are looked upon as lepers to society, evil doers who should not be allowed to actually live.
What has really surprised me is those who profess to be Christians kicking SO's out of church. Christians who villainize and attack people on the list all in the name of God.
How is this of God?
It is not. That is what I am coming to realize. This is NOT of God.
One of the 10 commandments is to love your neighbor. One of the most used words in the New Testament is Love. There are more instances of the word Love than the word Sin. God commands us to love one another. Jesus spent more time with sinners than saints. And who among us is a saint?
Jesus was also a big proponent of forgiveness. Who needs to be forgiven? Sinners. Forgiveness is granted to those who profess their sins and ask for forgiveness and sin no more. The percentage of SO's who are on the list that actually reoffend is 5-15% according to most studies.
Sex offenders should be treated as any other sinner who is trying to sin no more. Not as a leper to society who should never be seen or heard. Who should be tortured and tormented just for living. This is where I feel God speaking to me. There are many organizations that are trying to get rid of the registry. (I have them listed on my side bar) But so far I have not found a faith based group or organization that is willing to show love and support and no judgement. I am not sure what this means for me. But it is something I am feeling in my heart that there needs to be. People who are on the list deserve to be loved and cared for just as much as those who were victimized.
People make mistakes.
People deserve forgiveness.
Those who are without sin cast the first stone.

About Court Martials

When this whole process started I tried to find out everything that I could about court martials and what to expect. I found very basic information but nothing to really help me know what to expect. So let me see if I can detail a bit of what it was like. Hopefully this will help someone who was in our same situation.
First, M plead guilty and had a plea deal with prosecution, so we did not have a full trial with witness', we had a judge only. His was a Summary Court Martial with a military judge presiding.
Because it was a guilty plea the judge had to determine that M knew he was guilty and that he was actually guilty.
The judge had M read from the Statement of Fact, after he read each section silently he would look us at the judge and the judge would confirm that he understood what he read and that he admitted to it. ( The lawyers said that he would have to read this outloud which is why they did not want us in the room to hear it. This judge obviously saw us sitting in the room and decided that was not necessary.) The judge gave definitions and asked M if he agreed with them and understood them and had M state how he had broken the law.
This was a very long process. After it was finished the judge accepted the guilty plea and we went into the sentencing phase.
The prosecution wanted a Statement of Intent read into the court records. Our lawyers objected as it was already in evidence and it did not need to be read out loud. The prosecution won that battle. The Statement of Intent was from the investigator and contained evidence that our lawyers had gotten removed from the Statement of Fact as images and videos that M had never looked at but were downloaded when he synced up with Dropbox. This was read into the transcript, I believe the prosecutor wanted us, the family, to hear it whether all of it was true or not.
I admit it was horrifying. That people look at that stuff is terrible. However because M was adamant that he did not look at or have any interest in the most damning of the images we are a bit reassured. A bit.
Our character witness' were next. Most were done by phone call. He had two witness' from the military, a Staff Sergeant and a Master Sergeant. After our lawyers questioned the witness' the prosecution did and she was vicious, bringing up evidence from the Statement of Intent which were not really fact. Our lawyers objected and overruled until she kept going at it and the judge said that's enough. The next witness was one of M's Boy Scout leaders and then my husband, his Dad. The did not cross examine my husband, the lawyers said it was bad form to cross family members.
Our lawyers submitted character letters and photos and commendations after the witness'. Then M had a statement that he had written asking for forgiveness and expressing regret and apologizing to anyone he may have hurt.
Then it was time for final statements. The prosecution went first, she said a few things that were objected to, then our guy went. This went back and forth a couple of times.
And then it was over. The judge called for deliberations and we were at rest.
It was already 3 o'clock at this point but they wanted to finish it all that day so they decided to call a recess instead of starting again in the morning.
This waiting...it was really really hard.
We went to get food but no one could really eat. We went back and waited in a conference room until they called us back into the courtroom. It was 3 hours later.
The sentencing was very short, probably 15 minutes. The judge had everyone stand and pronounced a sentence of 4 years, a reduction in rank to E1, the Registry and dishonorable discharge. The plea deal was for 3 years so it was reduced to that. And then it was over.
Our lawyers immediately grabbed us all together in the conference room so that we could have time together and so that M could sign final papers. (The prosecution had told us we would not have time together afterwards) This was when the lawyers told us about time off for good behavior and for counseling etc. So in reality he could potentially only be confined for 2 years.
This time after was so important for us. Hubby had to go back to M's apartment to get civilian clothes for the state prison since they had not told him to bring any and they did not want him going to state prison as military. So we had longer than we thought. We had time to talk, he had time to call his older brother who could not be there. And we had a chance to hug and cry and breath.
We were told that he would be shackled and taken away. Fortunately they did not shackle him when they took him away. It may be because he was security forces and everyone knew him. But I am grateful.
Then we all went back to M's apartment and finished off his alcohol.

A Letter!

We got a letter!
It took all three of us to read it. The waterworks started almost immediately.
He starts out by apologizing to the whole family for putting us through this. And promising to make it as right as he can.
He sounds like the same M that we know and love. He is like my twin. He has a hard time staying down for too long. He was always one to make the best of any situation.
He told us a bit about prison life.
Boring. He says they sit on their beds wrapped in their blankets most of the day because there is nothing to do, but also because it is so cold. He says they keep the AC at 45-50 degrees. His "bed" is a 2 inch pad on a steel plank. The food is terrible, "fake" meat. Fortunately he can gets snacks at the commissary with the money I was able to send him. He was always a very picky eater, so I know he will lose some weight. His cellmate is a Christian as well so they have had quite a few conversations about faith. I am grateful for that.
He will be in state prison for another 20 ish days before they move him to a military prison.
I know I probably sound like an excited mother getting a letter from her child who is at camp.
I am not "excited" or even "happy", my child is not in camp, he is in prison. He is in prison for viewing and sharing pictures he never should have had access to.
I can't ever forget that.