The first Christmas in 3 years

What a wonderful Christmas! To me it was almost perfect. 

M called his uncle and they talked, well his uncle talked and M listened. He said 3 times how he would kill M if he had or does touch his daughter. I get that. But an uncle does not need to tell his nephew that he would kill him. M explained that it never had, he never would and he had no interest in his niece or any other child. And never had. 

Our BIL (Uncle) explained that his wife would need time and convincing. Which is exactly why we did not want them told in the first place. But that he loved and supported M and would be there for him if M ever needed it. The shocker came while we were at the family Christmas Eve gathering and our BIL shook Ms hand and gave him a hug. None of us were expecting that and M almost lost it. 

Christmas Eve was nice to see the family, if not a bit awkward especially for M. He was really nervous since this was the first time he had seen anyone in over 3 years. Overall it was pretty nice though.

Due to the weather and illness I got the Christmas I had dreamed of for years. Our immediate family was all together for the entire day. We did not have to run to the grandparents house. We got to have a relaxing casual Christmas at home. And I got to have it with all of my boys! It was perfect! One of our nephews joined us with his wife and 1 year old, we made homemade pizza and had a few drinks. We played a board game and enjoyed spending time together. 

I think it was my favorite Christmas ever.

I hope everyone that reads this has a wonderful Holiday and a blessed New Year. 

Thank you for listening to me do my thing to get through these trying times. It will not always be wonderful. There are tough times ahead I am sure. But being able to put it all down here is helpful to me and hopefully it can help others who might be going through similar issues or even help someone understand a bit more what families go through.

Drama be damned

 It turns out Christmas will actually be enjoyable this year! Through no fault of our own. 

M called his uncle who did not answer. Convenient. He left a message answering his questions and offering to answer any more if he calls back. Which of course he has not done. I really don't expect him to. 

I guess BIL had told Hubby that if he does not get a chance to talk to M that he would just confront him at Christmas. Yeah that's not gonna happen! 

We had pretty much decided we would just stay home except for Christmas at the in laws when mt MIL called and said they are postponing Christmas until New Years day because the weather, illness etc. 

So guess what? I get Christmas at home with our boys and the grandson! 

It is pretty sad that I am so excited about this turn of events. But I just can't help it. I am happy.

Ugh More Drama

 And the BILs drama continues. He finally answered a call from hubby. Then complained about all of this happening around the Holidays. Right, hubby has been calling him for 2 years!

Of course it is still our fault. Our fault that we did not confide in him right away, because of course it is all about him. He has kids so of course we were supposed to notify him right away and M was supposed to write a long letter and explain himself while in prison. And why did M plead guilty. He would have more respect for him if he had was still in prison because he fought it. And it just goes on and on but ultimately it comes down to M has destroyed the family. 

Our boys have never really liked their uncle. He has never been the kind of uncle that they would have looked up to. Every family gathering he would cause some sort of drama by arguing with people or in the case of our boys, yelling at them. He told our oldest once that he was embarrassed to share the same last name. He screamed and yelled at him for smoking while his own wife smoked. He softened slightly when he had his own kids but by that time the damage was done. 

In contrast our M and J are the fun uncles. C comes over and the two of them play with him all day. C loves his uncles and I think he visits just so he can play with them! 

M is going to call his uncle today. He is not going to "explain himself" or beg forgiveness but offer to answer any questions BIL may have, which has been offered to anyone that knows. And a few of the family have actually called to talk to him and ask questions. 

M had a couple of drinks last night. We all did. 

Guess it might be a quiet Christmas spent at home again. 

Decorating

 It has been over 6 years since M has been home to decorate for Christmas. 3 inside and 3 in the military. Yesterday he got to help decorate the tree. 

I had my moments. When I hung the ornaments from my Daddys tree for the first time and when I hung the ornament that my biological father gave me, both now gone. 

But it was good. 

It will not always be easy but for now my heart is full. 

Thanksgiving 2.0

 Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was surprisingly nice. The only fault I have with it is that our oldest and his wife were not here. 

M got his first real Thanksgiving in over 4 years. Last Thanksgiving they ran out of food at the brig so he had mashed potato's. This year I made everything he loves and made sure he got plenty! 

In years past we have had the entire family of 30+ people over. This year I decided we were going small. Due to the flu we went from 6 to 12, but I am ok with that. We had a relaxing day, too much to eat and time out by the fire with drinks before cutting into the pies. M had his first drink in 3 years! 

It was good. 

Family Drama

 So tired of entitled family members who think that what M did is all about them. 

I am so tired of my MIL trying to fix the issues with us and my BIL and his wife. Apparently we are the ones that need to contact them and explain (AGAIN) about M and reassure them. We are the ones who should reach out to them. We are the ones that should invite them to Thanksgiving so that they can confront M. Because it is all about them.

Right Not Happening

This did not impact them in any way. This does not change their lives. They did not lose a son for 3 years. They are not the ones who have had to explain this to people. They did not spend months in tears. They did not have to turn their lives upside down when he came home. 

They are the ones who told us they would support M and us. They were the ones who turned their backs on us and then told their 10 year old daughter to fear M. They were the ones to stop taking our calls. They are the ones who give us the cold shoulder at family get togethers. 

Yet we are the ones that have to console them.

Fuck that. I'm done with them. If they want a relationship with us they need to reach out to us. 

I'm done

Assholes and Consequences

 M woke up yesterday morning to a post on FB from someone he knew in high school. She had shared a screenshot of a local person who they had gone to high school with on the registry. "Just making sure everyone is aware" 

A rude wake up call and a bit disconcerting for M. 

He can never get away from the label and will always be branded as an SO. Worse than a murderer. The lowest of the low. He will always be persecuted for a mistake he made when he was alone and tempted by someone who he thought was a legal aged girl. He will never be able to have an easy/normal relationship without having to explain himself. 

His life is forever changed. 

Finally

 Probation is officially over on the 11th. But his PO stopped by and said goodbye and have a good life on the 1st. I came home to M drinking a beer! LOL The relief was palpable. There are still a lot of unknowns right now with the actual registry and how difficult it will make some things. But the fear of making a mistake and being sent back is gone. The fear and constant looking over his/our shoulders is gone. 

No this does not mean smooth sailing from here on out. There will and is still a lot to contend with. There is still family who can not forgive. He will still be labled as an SO for the rest of his life. But for now we can breath.

Mentaly Exhausted

 I am just so tired of explaining over and over and over again that M is not a threat. To the same damn people. To his brother to my MIL to those who know who M is. 

HE IS NOT A THREAT! 

I am just tired. 

Again and Again and Again

 The constant rehashing of what M did. 

It seems to never end. Even with those who have been in the "know" since the begining. 

Now that the holidays are around the corner it begins all over again because certain people have declared that M is a danger and do not want to be around him. The same people who were supportive in the begining. 

I feel like we have to explain it over and over to the same people constantly. 

People Suck

 I got a call from someone claiming to be a State Police Sargent. He left a message saying he need to get in touch with M. M had just checked his phone and had recieved a text message after a missed call with the same message. 

He gets on the phone with them and they claim that he had missed a "meeting" and there was a federal arrest warrent issued for him. They had sent notice of this "meeting" via certified mail and it was signed as having been recieved. He denied ever recieving anything and they said he needed to come to the state police department to sign a card front and back to prove he did not sign it. Then he needed to pay 10% of a PR bond $4500 that would be refunded if he was proven correct. 

They tell him he has to stay on the phone with them. He is in panic mode so Hubby says he will go with him since M can't drive, stay on the phone and look at directions at the same time. They tell us that no one is allowed to go with him. That does not fly of course. They tell us that we are not allowed to go and loiter in the parking lot to which we tell them that we will drop M and go to Walmart or somewhere else to wait for him. 

They get to the bank so that M can get the cash while I am contacting his PO and asking about it on Reddit. Now that Hubby is going they change their tune. Now they want him to deposit the money in a kiosk nearby and come down to the police station with a statement from the kiosk. They tell M that if he does not come by with the statement that he will be arrested on site. 

I get on the phone with the police department they orriginally wanted him to go to and am told that everything is done through the courts that the police will never ask for cash. I let M and Hubby know and this but M of course is still worried about the potential warrent for his arrest. I call the police again and she says that she cannot tell me if there is a warrent but after looking his name up tells me it is 100% a scam. 

M tells the guy on the phone. They tell M that if he does not come by with the statement that he will be arrested on site. We are 90% sure it is a scam at this point but there is still the fear of a warrent so they go by our local police department. They reassure him that there is no warrent. 

All of this time Ms phone keeps disconnecting from the scammers. While they were leaving the police department the scammer calls back and M takes the phone inside and offeres it to the police officer he had just been talking to. Click.

They drove by the location of the kiosk that they wanted him to deposit the money into and it was a Bitcoin machine in the back of a gas station. 

Lesson learned but now we are all ready for a drink.

This Stage Is Almost Done

 We are so close! 

M had his final polygraph last week.

M flagged for watching porn and internet usage. Neither of which he has ANY access to! He said the guy defined porn as ANY nudity at all. M flagged because we watch Game of Thrones. He watches it with us because they took his TV away. I mean... Really? 

He also flagged for internet use. How? He has a dumb phone and has NO access to anything with internet. M explained he has looked over my shoulder when I order him something from Amazon to make sure I get the correct tool. Again... Really?

So his PO called him up and wants to meet with him today at her office. 

I just can't right now.

Update! He met with his PO and everything is fine. This counts as his monthly. She will stop by next month to give him a high five and he is DONE! 

Update 2! His Air Force appellate attorney finally got in touch with us. She says she only had his name and found us through our business website. Crazy. His appeal had been denied but they are looking into his case again because the prosecutors were out of line. Making him look like a terrible person and accusing him of doing things that he never did. There is an extremely small chance anything will come of it. But they are specifically looking into cases like his. 

Small moments of Normal

Having the two younger boys at home has been an adventure. It is nice to see them hanging out playing video games and talking. M moved out when J was still in high school so they never really had the chance to hang out. On the 4th of July one of thier cousins came over and they were even playing foosball which they have not done in years. 

 I catch myself listening to them talk like normal brothers. 

 We went to the movies together the other day and they acted like teenagers throwing everything from the back seat at each other and just horsing around.

 M got to visit the lake with us a couple of weeks ago and commented that it almost felt normal.

 Almost normal. 

 A little over 100 days left until it can go to the "new normal". I am really not sure what that looks like but it has to be better than now. Right? I guess I feel bad that there are still things he can't do because of MSR. I know there is a lot he will not be able to do even once he off of it, but its the little things. 

Soon

Until the End

 

So far so good

 As we get further into all of this I see that I have much to be grateful for. 

M is home and that is a wonderful thing. He has gotten us back into playing board games and D&D. He plays card games and hangs out with his younger brother J. 

There was one dramatic episode a few weeks ago but it was not due to him, it was actually J who started it. 

Ms therapy is going well. He and the doctor talk about everything, but does not feel that M is a threat so tells him all of the time that he does not even know why M is there. 

The new PO is hands off, which is good. She stopped by his work and met his boss, who is a close friend of ours. 

There are a couple of things. The main one being that he has to get permission for just about everything. He is not permitted to go to anything where there might be a minor attending without the PO calling and talking to everyone involved. And we don't want to get people involved in that. Last week our nephew asked us to watch his 1 year old last minute and M had to stay in his room because he does not have permission to be around the baby. It's frustrating because he calls his room his cell sometimes. I have noticed he keeps his door open all of time unless he is sleeping. 

M is really feeling frustrated that he is still not allowed certain game machines that connect virtually. He is a big gamer and says that he actually had more freedoms in prison when it comes to that. 

He had his poly a couple of weeks ago and it went fine. It was not the history that everyone had warned us about but it was still stressful. He was congested and the guy told him to not sniffle because it would change the readings, so M tried to alter his breathing to not sniffle and the guy told him not to do that either! 

There are only 4 months left. I am truly grateful he did not get a long probation like so many do. 

All in all we are doing ok and getting through this together. 

A normal Mothers Day?

 I am not sure I know what would be considered normal anymore! But I think this Mothers Day would probably be considered more normal than not. 

It was good. I enjoyed it. I think this was the first Mothers Day that I have ever really enjoyed. There was no pressure or guilt or stress. 

All three of our sons were here. It's the first time in over 6 years that I have had all three boys over for mothers day. The youngest called off work so he could spend the day with us. My mother and Hubbys mother both came by and spent the day. 

And it was good. 

Two steps forward One step back

 Ms PO stopped by this morning. 8:30 AM. 

Lovely. 

Half the house is not even up yet, including M. She brings another PO with her. Apparently this will be Ms new PO. 

Wonderful. 

This new PO seems to be even more of a stickler. 

Great.

His Roku TV that had been approved my his original PO is not approved by the new PO because it has YouTube on it. So back to the drawing board. We don't have cable. 

Peeing in a cup is apparently a monthly thing. 

Surprise.

His polygraph is next week. I know he is stressed about it. 

6 months. There is only 6 months left. Then we can be done with this stupidity. 

Strange but Good

 It is odd having two sons home. Fortunately there have not been any wrestling matches like the last time M came home to visit. Our youngest was in between jobs for a couple of weeks so the two brothers spent quite a bit of time together. There were many days of trips to the comic book store for games. There were quite a few game nights before they both started new jobs. 

M is working construction for a friend. He enjoys working with his hands and it is a friend of ours who knows his story and still stands by him. 

His risk assessment came back before Easter. He is at the lowest possibility to ever reoffend. The doctor also says he is the most honest person he is ever met. M suffers from a bit of depression which is to be expected and PTSD as well. He has anxiety attacks when there are police nearby. Again no surprise. 

Fortunately with the results we were finally able to see our grandson at the house for Easter. It was wonderful to see the whole family together again. C was excited to see his uncle but more excited to be at Mimi and Pop Pops house again. 

Home

 M came home last Monday. It has been a whirlwind of a week. 

His PO is moving everything quickly. He met with her the next morning, then went to register and then she came by the house. 

It is all a lot to unpack. It is all a lot of stress. M feels guilty for everything. He apologizes constantly.

Understandably he is not allowed to have access to any internet. At least for now. So all of our computers and phones are password protected. He is really good about it, he wont even look at a screen. He is able to have a tv as long as it is a ROKU and even a game system as long as it can't connect online, old Xbox for the win. Which means he is pretty happy. He is catching up on shows and thoroughly nerding out, playing card games with his brother. The two of them have been to the comic book store 3 times in as many days. 

Unfortunately his counselor inside was mistaken and he did have to register for life since his crime was done in another state. We had been told that because he was military the location did not matter. I am not sure if he would have had a lesser registry time anyway because of the 2 counts. 

It is nice having him home. It is stressful having him home. 

We are learning of certain family members who were supportive before who have now decided differently. We have always been kind of the black sheep of the family. We live about an hour away from everyone. So we are really not terribly crushed by it, but it is disappointing. M is feeling guilty about it. He has offered to move away and of course we are not having it. He is our son and we will support him no matter what. 

I can't imagine telling him he can not stay here. Where would he go? 

He told me once that he hated the military because he was alone. He has always been extremely social and he thought there would be comradery. He is not a big drinker but that is all his friends wanted to do. So he was lonely. He was open to advances. And that is what got him in trouble. 

Fortunately his probation or MSR (Mandatory Supervised Release) is for only 8 months. His PO seems nice enough and goes by the book. We will see. 

1 Week

 M will be home one week from today. Crazy really. It has been over 2 years since we have seen him. Aside from a single video call a few months ago. 

I am having a mix of feelings. I am excited and happy while being scared and sad at the same time. Happy and excited for obvious reasons. It has been so long since we have seen our son. Scared of the unknown. And sad for his future. 

We have been preparing for him to come home, legally of course. But there is still so much we do not know. Apparently a lot of it depends on the PO and what she requires. She seems nice and we know that M will follow the rules. But we dont have a list of what the rules are. 

I think that is our problem. We want to know what to expect but no one seems able to help with that to the extent that we would like. We like to have it all in black and white and there is so much gray that makes us uncomfortable.