Rough Times

Stress is kicking our asses. 

When hubby is home we argue. We nit pick. It sucks. Being on different schedules sucks. But the extra money from working nights helps pay the bills. 

It sucks.

M calls and sounds so upbeat. He has hope for when he comes home. He is still so naive. And I love him for it. 

But hubby and I...we are not used to not being around each other a lot. Well not just a lot. Always. We have always worked from home together. We developed a bit of codependency. Maybe that is not a good thing but for us it works. Apart we argue and fight. 

My new mantra is "This too shall pass" I only pray it is sooner than later.

Sigh

This is not the normal me. I feel like I am languishing. I can't seem to get much done right now. I don't feel like myself. I think the mental stress is getting to me.
At least M seems to be doing well. He calls and talks about board games and jobs and the large library. And he sounds like his normal upbeat self.
I am grateful for that.
I however am drowning in stress. The combination of him being in prison and the stress of the business and hubby working nights and not seeing him, is just breaking me down. I am always on the verge of tears.
I went to church alone Sunday. Granted it was to do pro bono work for them but I enjoyed worship for the first time in a long time. I felt like I needed to be there. But that upbeat feeling has turned into tears tonight as I sit here trying to get myself to do work stuff again. And I just can't bring myself to be creative. To even think about the business.
It is obvious to me that I am suffering from combination of depression and aging but that does not help.

He Called!

Yesterday we were all wondering how he is getting along and then last night he called and we got to talk for half an hour! We got to hear how things are at the brig.
His first comment was it is like a "daycare". The food is surprisingly good. He said they had pizza on the weekend and hamburgers the night before. You are required to attend each meal, unlike county where you could just sleep through them. But you get enough food so that you are not hungry throughout the day. With him being a picky eater we were a bit concerned about what he would actually eat. He is currently in medium security in the welcome area until they determine that he is safe and can be placed in minimum and a "permanent" cell. They have movies on the weekends and he has the "freedom" to go to his appointments without being shackled and can just walk there. They have more free time and there are books in the common area so if he needs something to read he is set. There is a library as well as classes and jobs, which he will be able to take part in once he is placed.
They are much more strict about mail and phone calls. All addresses have to be preapproved as well as all books we send him. I have to send him a list of books so that he can get them approved. Once I figure out how to send him money via money order he can actually purchase a tablet and receive email. He said he is really "lucky" in that this is the first and only brig to allow tablets and email. He also said that with good behavior he could potentially purchase a PSP.
He is planning for when he can come home. I worry about that. I can only hope he can stay as upbeat once he is living on the list as he is right now being in prison. Because the list is it's own prison.

More waiting

M has been at Charleston for over 10 days now. The waiting for a phone call or letter is almost unbearable. The not knowing how he is doing, what his life is like there, if he is ok, is heart wrenching.
We are trying to get back to some semblance of real life. Although it is made more difficult because hubby is still working nights to help with the bills. We have socialized a little bit in the last couple of weeks. The question of how is M doing in the Air Force was of course asked. And we acted like all was well. It is harder meeting with friends since they do not know. One friend of mine is persistent in asking what is going on since she knows things are not great and she guessed accurately that something is going on with M, she is retired military. Funny not funny, she was actually a prison guard for a few years. I think I will tell her at least some of it. I trust her.
Trust is key, of course. Knowing who to trust is much more difficult.
We have not been to church in months. It is hard when hubby has been working overtime on Saturdays and sleeps until 2 on Sunday. I miss church. Tuesdays small group helps but it can only do so much when there are usually 6 kids running chaos through the house while we try to talk.
There are times when I feel Him more. And now does not seem to be one of them. Maybe it is the winter blahs getting to me along with everything else.
The new normal sucks.