And there he is

We got a voicemail yesterday morning that M had arrived at the Brig.
There are mixed emotions going on. I am glad he is where is "supposed" to be, but sad that he is where he is "supposed" to be.
Everything makes me cry lately. I think the combination of the added stress of hubby working nights and M being where he is is taking a toll on my emotions. I am in borderline tears all the time. I just can't get them in check. I want my old self back. The person who was always upbeat and optimistic.
I miss that person.

Transfer

M is being transferred to the Brig today. It is a 10 hour drive South if you are driving straight through. Somehow I doubt the government prison system will drive him South all nice and casual. I suspect it will take a few days.
I wish I knew.
He called us almost every day this past week. So we had plenty of time to talk to him. He had gotten into a "phone monopoly". He says he will explain about it another time. It gave us time to talk but I am sorry for those who did not get a chance to talk to their families because of it, if that were the case. I doubt he will be able to call anytime soon.
Hope and prayers right now. Praying for safe travels for M.

Naval Consolidated Brig - Charleston

That is where he will be moving to next week.
Well at least he is staying on the East coast.
Hopefully he will be able to settle in and earn some days off his time with a job and therapy and hopefully a new skill.
Now comes the research in finding out how to get him money for phone calls and the commissary. It does not seem  as cut and dried as the state prison.
This really sucks. I found a forum for families of those incarcerated. Hopefully I can get more information there.
I am not sure what I am looking for right now. What am I supposed to be feeling? I feel like I have this constant cloud over my head. Even when good thing happen, I feel like it is just not enough. How much good is enough to make the cloud dissipate?

And then they will know

Christmas and the mother in law who does not know how to lie or tell a story, even the one she created. Suspicions are created and questions are asked. The brother in law and sister in law who we were afraid would judge are not. Thank you God they are being supportive. The Aunt on the other hand is not sure. That side of the family, the high and mighty side, will be harder to crack. Especially since a cousin just started a job with Exploited and Missing Children.
Honestly if that side of the family falls away I am ok with that. They have always judged us.
M is not thrilled with everyone knowing, of course. But we are trying to minimize the damage. We just want him to come home to a support system, a family. People who love and care for him and realize that he was a stupid curious kid. I know he is 23 but still my kid. Those who can not support him I consider collateral damage.
I am tired of hiding it. I am tired of talking about it. So it is a bit of a relief that they know. My stress level dropped a bit.
I still believe he was being curious and that was why he used his real email address. He really is/was clueless. He really was not thinking he was doing anything wrong. Being naive like me is not a good thing sometimes.
He is feeling anxious because they have still not moved him. I get it. He wants to be somewhere where he can actually DO something. Right now he is in limbo, no job, no therapy, just books, while he waits. Waiting sucks.
I told him that people now know and he is not thrilled. He is afraid of being judged.
Aren't we all

2020

Happy New Year?
Honestly, it really can't get much worse than last year. I say that while knocking on wood or whatever because of course saying that dictates that this coming year will suck even more.
Hope
It is such a small word.
4 letters that define what my thoughts are attempting to achieve.
Peace
Another small word.
5 letters that define what I have been unsuccessful in achieving.
Two words that pretty much define what my New years resolution should be.
Most people think of the resolution as something to break within a few days of making it. Something that is said while drinking and partying.
For me though my resolution is to seek both. Peace to get through this hell and hope for the potential future.
M seems to have both in spades. I can't even imagine. He calls every couple of days, which we really did not expect, but it is a way of staying somewhat connected. Every time I see his name on my caller ID my heart skips a beat. He told me yesterday that for Thanksgiving and Christmas they were confined to their cells after the guards came through and tore them apart. What a great way to spend a holiday. Being searched and humiliated. Yes I know he is in prison and prison is not meant to be fun. But humanity is obviously lacking in our prison systems.
He is planning for a future. He calls asking about trade programs and what we think would be a good one for him to learn. He likes working with his hands. He is looking forward to moving to the military prison. How can you look forward to something like that???!!! He has hope, though, that it will be better than where he is at. Right now he is not working towards a goal, just biding time.
Hope, M has hope for the future. Not the future he thought he would have, but a future. He has always been an upbeat person.
He has peace with what he has done. Regret, yes. But he has made peace and accepted his fate.
Sometimes I think he actually has the easier end of this. He "gets" to spend his time reading and does not have to stress about having to explain everything to friends and family. Or not explain things and keep others from spilling the proverbial beans. Like the 4 year old who likes to talk, announcing that M is in jail. How long can we keep him from telling people when they mention M's name? Or the MIL who does not want to lie, but can't seem to keep her mouth shut when nosey family ask questions about where he is.
Hope and Peace
Peace and Hope
It is only two words