2020

Happy New Year?
Honestly, it really can't get much worse than last year. I say that while knocking on wood or whatever because of course saying that dictates that this coming year will suck even more.
Hope
It is such a small word.
4 letters that define what my thoughts are attempting to achieve.
Peace
Another small word.
5 letters that define what I have been unsuccessful in achieving.
Two words that pretty much define what my New years resolution should be.
Most people think of the resolution as something to break within a few days of making it. Something that is said while drinking and partying.
For me though my resolution is to seek both. Peace to get through this hell and hope for the potential future.
M seems to have both in spades. I can't even imagine. He calls every couple of days, which we really did not expect, but it is a way of staying somewhat connected. Every time I see his name on my caller ID my heart skips a beat. He told me yesterday that for Thanksgiving and Christmas they were confined to their cells after the guards came through and tore them apart. What a great way to spend a holiday. Being searched and humiliated. Yes I know he is in prison and prison is not meant to be fun. But humanity is obviously lacking in our prison systems.
He is planning for a future. He calls asking about trade programs and what we think would be a good one for him to learn. He likes working with his hands. He is looking forward to moving to the military prison. How can you look forward to something like that???!!! He has hope, though, that it will be better than where he is at. Right now he is not working towards a goal, just biding time.
Hope, M has hope for the future. Not the future he thought he would have, but a future. He has always been an upbeat person.
He has peace with what he has done. Regret, yes. But he has made peace and accepted his fate.
Sometimes I think he actually has the easier end of this. He "gets" to spend his time reading and does not have to stress about having to explain everything to friends and family. Or not explain things and keep others from spilling the proverbial beans. Like the 4 year old who likes to talk, announcing that M is in jail. How long can we keep him from telling people when they mention M's name? Or the MIL who does not want to lie, but can't seem to keep her mouth shut when nosey family ask questions about where he is.
Hope and Peace
Peace and Hope
It is only two words