Since we have talked to M.
Thanksgiving has come and gone. 2+ weeks. And we have not heard a word.
I know we can expect to not hear from him often, but this is heartbreaking. The not knowing how he is doing. What is going on with him. I have my phone by my side constantly now. I used to ignore it, but not anymore.
I hoped they would let him call on Thanksgiving.
My Dad called, who I have not talked to in a few months. (Terrible I know) He asked about M. I lied. I told him he was deployed and we did not know where he was. My Dad is retired military. I am afraid to tell him. I don't think he would judge, but I so don't want to disappoint him.
Thanksgiving was a quiet, somber affair. Our oldest came over with his wife and our 4 year old grandson, so there was chaos created by him. But the elephant was in the room. Bourbon and wine was poured often.
After dinner we played "Ticket to Ride", a board game we had all been wanting to play. J actually played a round with us, as did my mother. I think we were all trying to block out the past year.
To forget for just a few hours.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
It's the Night Before Thanksgiving
And thoughts are running wild. We have still not heard from M. It has been 2 weeks. We have cut our Thanksgiving down from 38 family members to our close 7. We just don't feel like talking to people and answering the questions that are sure to come. We have not told anybody really. I think the count is 11 who know part or all of it.
Tomorrow will be rough. M was home last year. We have a huge family photo that we took and he was standing in the back with his cousins. The picture showing up in my Facebook memories last week.
I have never been able to have Thanksgiving for just the immediate family before. Sad that it has taken this to make it happen. J wanted it. He did not want to socialize with everyone anymore than the rest of us. I am somewhat looking forward to a smaller group. I hope I can make it through the day. But then if I don't, it's ok.
I hope he calls soon.
Tomorrow will be rough. M was home last year. We have a huge family photo that we took and he was standing in the back with his cousins. The picture showing up in my Facebook memories last week.
I have never been able to have Thanksgiving for just the immediate family before. Sad that it has taken this to make it happen. J wanted it. He did not want to socialize with everyone anymore than the rest of us. I am somewhat looking forward to a smaller group. I hope I can make it through the day. But then if I don't, it's ok.
I hope he calls soon.
Monday, November 25, 2019
Knowledge
Helps a little bit.
We have access to M's emails and accounts so that we can try to cover his bills etc. His emails have all of his correspondence with the lawyers, which he had more of then we knew. He is such a well read person!
When he was little we had him and his older brother in private Christian school. We thought we were doing the right thing. But then we found out that the teachers could not handle M. He was a social kid. He would walk into his 1st grade classroom and all the kids would yell his name, kinda like Cheers. But because he was so social he was a talker, so she put his desk in the corner and faced him to the wall. When we found out we pulled the boys from the school and put them in public school. He entered 2nd grade and did not know how to read and was pretty uncontrollable because he was used to running the classroom. His 2nd grade teacher was a saint! By the time he left 2nd grade he was reading well and was a great kid in the classroom. By the time he was in 6th grade he was reading at college grade level, as was his older brother.
His emails are well written and thought out. We found the one with his confession and initial letter to the lawyer. He had NOT gone looking for CP. He had been surfing Tumbler looking for legal porn (He was a single 22 year old man!) when he started receiving messages offering him pictures of younger girls. He ignored the messages for awhile until he became curious. Being much like his mother he is very trusting and naïve.
His trusting nature and curiosity is what got him in trouble.
Yes, he should have known better. But it helps in my heart to know that he was not searching it out.
We have access to M's emails and accounts so that we can try to cover his bills etc. His emails have all of his correspondence with the lawyers, which he had more of then we knew. He is such a well read person!
When he was little we had him and his older brother in private Christian school. We thought we were doing the right thing. But then we found out that the teachers could not handle M. He was a social kid. He would walk into his 1st grade classroom and all the kids would yell his name, kinda like Cheers. But because he was so social he was a talker, so she put his desk in the corner and faced him to the wall. When we found out we pulled the boys from the school and put them in public school. He entered 2nd grade and did not know how to read and was pretty uncontrollable because he was used to running the classroom. His 2nd grade teacher was a saint! By the time he left 2nd grade he was reading well and was a great kid in the classroom. By the time he was in 6th grade he was reading at college grade level, as was his older brother.
His emails are well written and thought out. We found the one with his confession and initial letter to the lawyer. He had NOT gone looking for CP. He had been surfing Tumbler looking for legal porn (He was a single 22 year old man!) when he started receiving messages offering him pictures of younger girls. He ignored the messages for awhile until he became curious. Being much like his mother he is very trusting and naïve.
His trusting nature and curiosity is what got him in trouble.
Yes, he should have known better. But it helps in my heart to know that he was not searching it out.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
A New Normal
I managed to sleep last night. A full night even. I have not had a full nights sleep in, I don't know how long. The worry is still there and the tears are still ever present on an almost daily basis but we are starting to settle into our new normal. Not that it is normal at all.
I am feeling a bit accomplished that I am getting caught up on work. I have neglected work for research and just plain emotions. It is a bit like losing a family member to death. You mourn for a time, deny and then just get angry before you finally settle into a bit of constant sadness and depression peppered with small moments of happiness.
J, our youngest son, is still taking this really really hard. I get it, his big brother, who he looked up to, did something terrible and is not in prison for it. That is hard to get your mind around. I think it would be worse if he were younger, but at 19 he is mature enough to take the full brunt of his emotions and anger. He has my emotions, which means he is almost always on the verge of tears or wanting to punch something. He does have a punching bag so hopefully he will pick that up again to release his anger.
R, our oldest son, has his wife and son to help him through this. He is resilient and realizes that there is nothing he can do right now so he is trying to go back to normal life. Having an almost 4 year old keeps you busy so he does not have much time to mourn anyway.
Hubby did manage to get M's internet turned off yesterday. Companies do not make it easy to cancel stuff. We have each spend hours on the phone with the insurance company and electric and gas companies. The insurance company still has not canceled, even with a power of attorney. And the power company we can't seem to get on the phone!
I wrote M a letter the other day. Trying to encourage and support him as much as possible.
It is hard not chatting with him every day. Our family chat group has not had a message in two weeks. I see things online that I know he would love or find funny and I want to share them, but it seems silly since he won't see them for almost 3 years. I did write him a message for him to see when he comes home, hopefully.
I am trying to get closer with God again. It is hard when you feel betrayed and angry. But I made the first step and am trying to worship through music. I don't always feel He is there for me right now, even though in my heart I know He is. I need Him to be there.
Writing here is also helping me cope. I can get down in words my thoughts and maybe another mom who is beginning this journey will find this and it will help her through. This is not a journey anyone should have to take alone.
I am feeling a bit accomplished that I am getting caught up on work. I have neglected work for research and just plain emotions. It is a bit like losing a family member to death. You mourn for a time, deny and then just get angry before you finally settle into a bit of constant sadness and depression peppered with small moments of happiness.
J, our youngest son, is still taking this really really hard. I get it, his big brother, who he looked up to, did something terrible and is not in prison for it. That is hard to get your mind around. I think it would be worse if he were younger, but at 19 he is mature enough to take the full brunt of his emotions and anger. He has my emotions, which means he is almost always on the verge of tears or wanting to punch something. He does have a punching bag so hopefully he will pick that up again to release his anger.
R, our oldest son, has his wife and son to help him through this. He is resilient and realizes that there is nothing he can do right now so he is trying to go back to normal life. Having an almost 4 year old keeps you busy so he does not have much time to mourn anyway.
Hubby did manage to get M's internet turned off yesterday. Companies do not make it easy to cancel stuff. We have each spend hours on the phone with the insurance company and electric and gas companies. The insurance company still has not canceled, even with a power of attorney. And the power company we can't seem to get on the phone!
I wrote M a letter the other day. Trying to encourage and support him as much as possible.
It is hard not chatting with him every day. Our family chat group has not had a message in two weeks. I see things online that I know he would love or find funny and I want to share them, but it seems silly since he won't see them for almost 3 years. I did write him a message for him to see when he comes home, hopefully.
I am trying to get closer with God again. It is hard when you feel betrayed and angry. But I made the first step and am trying to worship through music. I don't always feel He is there for me right now, even though in my heart I know He is. I need Him to be there.
Writing here is also helping me cope. I can get down in words my thoughts and maybe another mom who is beginning this journey will find this and it will help her through. This is not a journey anyone should have to take alone.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
To Tell or Not To Tell
That is the question.
Who do we tell?
How much of the truth do we tell?
Or do we just make some shit up and hope it sticks?
I want to protect my baby. (Doesn't every mother?) But living in a close family who gossip A LOT it is hard to decide.
Only a few of us were at the hearing and M only told one person, so fortunately only a few of us know the details. We don't want to make some family announcement and say "Hey M did all of this terrible stuff and is in prison for it" That would be bad. Judgement would be swift and harsh. We are already the black sheep in the family and it would ostracise us even more. It is less about us and more about M. We don't want him to come home to no family left.
So what to do?
His grandfather thinks its a mistake to not tell people something. Hubby has said the same. So we tell our small group a short version and they are supportive and offering prayers. We could really use those prayers. We finally decide we might just need to tell the family the short version if they ask. Today I get a message for my mother in law who had thought we should tell, all of a sudden she does not want to tell.
Sigh.
Honestly, I am at the point that I just don't care. Tell them don't tell them. Let the bricks fall how they may.
I am tired.
I just want to hear from M. I just want a phone call or a letter. Anything. I don't care anymore who knows. I just don't.
Who do we tell?
How much of the truth do we tell?
Or do we just make some shit up and hope it sticks?
I want to protect my baby. (Doesn't every mother?) But living in a close family who gossip A LOT it is hard to decide.
Only a few of us were at the hearing and M only told one person, so fortunately only a few of us know the details. We don't want to make some family announcement and say "Hey M did all of this terrible stuff and is in prison for it" That would be bad. Judgement would be swift and harsh. We are already the black sheep in the family and it would ostracise us even more. It is less about us and more about M. We don't want him to come home to no family left.
So what to do?
His grandfather thinks its a mistake to not tell people something. Hubby has said the same. So we tell our small group a short version and they are supportive and offering prayers. We could really use those prayers. We finally decide we might just need to tell the family the short version if they ask. Today I get a message for my mother in law who had thought we should tell, all of a sudden she does not want to tell.
Sigh.
Honestly, I am at the point that I just don't care. Tell them don't tell them. Let the bricks fall how they may.
I am tired.
I just want to hear from M. I just want a phone call or a letter. Anything. I don't care anymore who knows. I just don't.
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
On Parenting
The other day I had a troll attack me on an online support group. Unfortunately this group is public so people feel free to speak their minds occasionally. He was vehement and nasty and just plain cruel. Accusing me of being a terrible parent who never said "No" and gave our children everything and no discipline. While I was not really upset about it, it did cause me to take stock.
Were we really such terrible parents?
Did we not give our sons guidance and discipline?
Was that why M did this terrible, awful thing?
Did we not give our children enough attention or spend enough time with them?
I think most parents question whether they are doing a good job or not. I honestly don't think any parent would say that they were perfect parents. Who could? There is always something you could have potentially done better. But how do you know?
Because we primarily work from home, we were there for them when they got home from school. We helped them with their homework, made sure they had everything they needed and encouraged them to do better. We praised them when they did well and tried to help them when they did not do well.
We spent more time with them then I think most parents can, so much so that we are close to them. They feel confident in confiding in us and asking advice. We spend vacations together. We are there for them even as adults.
We disciplined them when they were children. Yes, they got spankings occasionally. They were grounded or had privileges taken away. We told them "No" when we needed to and yes whenever we could.
They were spoiled in that they had all of their needs met. But the Christmas tree was never piled high. If they wanted something special they paid for it with money they earned from having jobs. They were required to pay us back if they borrowed more than a few dollars and were responsible for their own extra expenses. M was even paying us back for the lawyer.
As a whole I think we did the best that we could. I don't think we did a terrible job. Are there things we could have done better? Of course. But we did teach them right from wrong.
When our kids are given the freedom to soar, sometimes they crash.
No one parent or person is perfect.
Some mistakes are worse than others.
And sometimes our kids do things that we will never understand.
Terrible things.
But it does not make me love them any less.
And I don't think that makes me a terrible parent.
Were we really such terrible parents?
Did we not give our sons guidance and discipline?
Was that why M did this terrible, awful thing?
Did we not give our children enough attention or spend enough time with them?
I think most parents question whether they are doing a good job or not. I honestly don't think any parent would say that they were perfect parents. Who could? There is always something you could have potentially done better. But how do you know?
Because we primarily work from home, we were there for them when they got home from school. We helped them with their homework, made sure they had everything they needed and encouraged them to do better. We praised them when they did well and tried to help them when they did not do well.
We spent more time with them then I think most parents can, so much so that we are close to them. They feel confident in confiding in us and asking advice. We spend vacations together. We are there for them even as adults.
We disciplined them when they were children. Yes, they got spankings occasionally. They were grounded or had privileges taken away. We told them "No" when we needed to and yes whenever we could.
They were spoiled in that they had all of their needs met. But the Christmas tree was never piled high. If they wanted something special they paid for it with money they earned from having jobs. They were required to pay us back if they borrowed more than a few dollars and were responsible for their own extra expenses. M was even paying us back for the lawyer.
As a whole I think we did the best that we could. I don't think we did a terrible job. Are there things we could have done better? Of course. But we did teach them right from wrong.
When our kids are given the freedom to soar, sometimes they crash.
No one parent or person is perfect.
Some mistakes are worse than others.
And sometimes our kids do things that we will never understand.
Terrible things.
But it does not make me love them any less.
And I don't think that makes me a terrible parent.
Monday, November 18, 2019
Discovering the unfairness of it all
I could not sleep last night.
I learned something about the registry yesterday and I am just stunned in disbelief. M's crime took place in Delaware, there he would be required to register for 15 years. If he had done the crime in our home state of Kentucky he would be required to register for 10 years. But here is the kicker, Kentucky requires all out of state offenders to register for LIFE! So when he comes home to be with his support system he will have to register for life instead of 10 or 15 years.
How is that a fair system? How is that NOT punishing someone for coming home?
Unreal.
Someone asked me yesterday if I saw registrants differently now being so close to it. I was surprised that my answer was yes. You don't know someone else's pain until you experience it yourself. I had no idea that the registry encompasses EVERYTHING the law deems a sex crime. So a 12 year old who moons someone is on the registry along with someone who peed against a wall in public, along with someone who raped a minor. Everyone of those people is labeled with the sex offender red letter. The registry is out of control. It should only be for those who have done a violent crime or reoffenders.
There are groups working towards sensible registry laws. I have included links on the sidebar of the blog. I think the laws need to change.
I learned something about the registry yesterday and I am just stunned in disbelief. M's crime took place in Delaware, there he would be required to register for 15 years. If he had done the crime in our home state of Kentucky he would be required to register for 10 years. But here is the kicker, Kentucky requires all out of state offenders to register for LIFE! So when he comes home to be with his support system he will have to register for life instead of 10 or 15 years.
How is that a fair system? How is that NOT punishing someone for coming home?
Unreal.
Someone asked me yesterday if I saw registrants differently now being so close to it. I was surprised that my answer was yes. You don't know someone else's pain until you experience it yourself. I had no idea that the registry encompasses EVERYTHING the law deems a sex crime. So a 12 year old who moons someone is on the registry along with someone who peed against a wall in public, along with someone who raped a minor. Everyone of those people is labeled with the sex offender red letter. The registry is out of control. It should only be for those who have done a violent crime or reoffenders.
There are groups working towards sensible registry laws. I have included links on the sidebar of the blog. I think the laws need to change.
Sunday, November 17, 2019
I made it!
A whole day without tears!
Sad that that is a goal now.
We went out for our oldest son's birthday today so we tried to not talk about his brother too much. Inevitably we did of course. It is hard not to. Unfortunately trying to work this all out mentally means lots of discussion.
Trying to determine who M told what and how much people know and who we felt we could trust with a small amount of the true story is a big deal now. We know of at least a couple of family members who will never speak to him or us again when they find out. Hopefully we are wrong, but we know them pretty well.
We are trying to figure out how to get some of his money to him so that he can buy paper and stamps to write us. We have access to his accounts so hopefully we can figure it out.
I heard a song on the radio the other day and these lyrics stood out to me:
"I held you close as we both shook for the last time
One day at a time.
Sad that that is a goal now.
We went out for our oldest son's birthday today so we tried to not talk about his brother too much. Inevitably we did of course. It is hard not to. Unfortunately trying to work this all out mentally means lots of discussion.
Trying to determine who M told what and how much people know and who we felt we could trust with a small amount of the true story is a big deal now. We know of at least a couple of family members who will never speak to him or us again when they find out. Hopefully we are wrong, but we know them pretty well.
We are trying to figure out how to get some of his money to him so that he can buy paper and stamps to write us. We have access to his accounts so hopefully we can figure it out.
I heard a song on the radio the other day and these lyrics stood out to me:
"I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look, I'm not okay" (My Chemical Romance)
I need to listen to more uplifting music but this is the feeling right now. It will get better right? One day at a time.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
24 hours
24 hours
That is the goal.
To get through 24 hours without crying.
It has been 4 days and I have yet to achieve that. The problem is, every time I think about him or see a picture the waterworks start. I just can't stop them.
Doing research on the prison..tears fall
I look up and see his picture in his ABUs and Security Forces hat...tears fall
We talk about how we can't believe he would do this...tears fall.
It is all still so raw. So much pain I can't even comprehend. But then her I am. Pain. Tears. Disbelief.
How do parents and families get through this. I had to tell my mother today. She said "I can't believe it. It's "my sons name"!
That is the thing. He was the "good" one. The one even his older brother looked up to. How could HE do this? How?
Hubby and I are having a hard time with this. We take it out on each other. We are both in pain. We are both always on the verge of tears. After 29 years of marriage and raising 3 sons in what we thought was "The way that they should go" we are sniping and snapping at each other. It should NOT be this way. No family should have to go through this.
We want to support him. We will always love him. But maybe this is in God's plan. As much as we don't want think that. Maybe he needs the therapy that he will get in prison to get his head back on straight.
I don't want that to be the case because it is easier to blame God than it is to blame my son.
Dear God, Father, please help this family come to terms with the mistake that his son made. Help us to see that this is in your plan. ( That is really really hard)
That is the goal.
To get through 24 hours without crying.
It has been 4 days and I have yet to achieve that. The problem is, every time I think about him or see a picture the waterworks start. I just can't stop them.
Doing research on the prison..tears fall
I look up and see his picture in his ABUs and Security Forces hat...tears fall
We talk about how we can't believe he would do this...tears fall.
It is all still so raw. So much pain I can't even comprehend. But then her I am. Pain. Tears. Disbelief.
How do parents and families get through this. I had to tell my mother today. She said "I can't believe it. It's "my sons name"!
That is the thing. He was the "good" one. The one even his older brother looked up to. How could HE do this? How?
Hubby and I are having a hard time with this. We take it out on each other. We are both in pain. We are both always on the verge of tears. After 29 years of marriage and raising 3 sons in what we thought was "The way that they should go" we are sniping and snapping at each other. It should NOT be this way. No family should have to go through this.
We want to support him. We will always love him. But maybe this is in God's plan. As much as we don't want think that. Maybe he needs the therapy that he will get in prison to get his head back on straight.
I don't want that to be the case because it is easier to blame God than it is to blame my son.
Dear God, Father, please help this family come to terms with the mistake that his son made. Help us to see that this is in your plan. ( That is really really hard)
Friday, November 15, 2019
Anger
Yesterday was spent trying to turn off a few last minute items, gas, electric etc. We spent all day on the phones and did not get a single thing turned off. Sigh
His credit is already ruined because of breaking his lease and abandoning his car so what's a few more? I'm done. I can't spend another day on the phone trying to save his credit. He has a few credit cards and student loans that will probably have to go into default to. There is only so much money in his bank account and we can't afford to pay for them.
He will have a lot to answer for when he gets home.
I am beyond the denial stage of all of this and at anger stage I think. Angry at him for doing something so stupid. Angry at God for not seeming to be there.
How could he do this? How could anyone do this?
The boy who never lied to us, lied to us for a year about this. I just can't get my mind around all of this. This is not how we raised him!
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
And where is God? Where are You? Is this what You wanted to happen? 3 years in prison and a life thrown away? I just can't see how this is Your plan. Or how You are making good of something evil. I just can't see it. I just can't see the good in all of this.
His credit is already ruined because of breaking his lease and abandoning his car so what's a few more? I'm done. I can't spend another day on the phone trying to save his credit. He has a few credit cards and student loans that will probably have to go into default to. There is only so much money in his bank account and we can't afford to pay for them.
He will have a lot to answer for when he gets home.
I am beyond the denial stage of all of this and at anger stage I think. Angry at him for doing something so stupid. Angry at God for not seeming to be there.
How could he do this? How could anyone do this?
The boy who never lied to us, lied to us for a year about this. I just can't get my mind around all of this. This is not how we raised him!
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
And where is God? Where are You? Is this what You wanted to happen? 3 years in prison and a life thrown away? I just can't see how this is Your plan. Or how You are making good of something evil. I just can't see it. I just can't see the good in all of this.
Thursday, November 14, 2019
I am NOT ok
Everyone keeps asking that. At least the very few people who know.
Nope, not even close to OK.
The hearing for our Airman son was Tuesday. The lawyers actually tried to keep us out of the courtroom. To shelter us from hearing the truth. We would not hear of it, because we were there to support him no matter what he did. And it was bad. We will never be the same.
But we had to be in there. We had to have the truth.
How could we not.
The prosecutor did her job and I hate her for it.
Our well paid lawyer did ok, if I had it to do over with we would have saved our money. But then if we had not paid for the lawyer I would be blaming that. "If we had only paid that lawyer"
If he had not had a plea deal he would be serving 4 years instead of 3.
3 years, dishonorable discharge and of course, the registry.
How do you get through this?
How do you survive knowing your child did this?
I won't/can't stop loving him but I can't possibly think of him in the same way. I am distraught and crying constantly.
Nope, not even close to OK.
The hearing for our Airman son was Tuesday. The lawyers actually tried to keep us out of the courtroom. To shelter us from hearing the truth. We would not hear of it, because we were there to support him no matter what he did. And it was bad. We will never be the same.
But we had to be in there. We had to have the truth.
How could we not.
The prosecutor did her job and I hate her for it.
Our well paid lawyer did ok, if I had it to do over with we would have saved our money. But then if we had not paid for the lawyer I would be blaming that. "If we had only paid that lawyer"
If he had not had a plea deal he would be serving 4 years instead of 3.
3 years, dishonorable discharge and of course, the registry.
How do you get through this?
How do you survive knowing your child did this?
I won't/can't stop loving him but I can't possibly think of him in the same way. I am distraught and crying constantly.
Friday, November 8, 2019
Less than a week
I am an emotional wreck. Everything brings tears. I am not sure how we are going to get through this. I know we have to be strong for our son, but who is going to be strong for us. Friends are praying but I can't bring myself to pray more than a cursory "help" I just feel like we are under attack. We always seem to be under attack. Yes we are blessed. We have our health, we have our business, (kinda) we have each other. So many do not have what we have. But the pain and stress is overwhelming.
Tuesday
Tuesday is when we finally have closure. If that is what you can call it. At least most of the unknowing will be answered.
I hate that we can't ask the lawyer questions. What an ass.
I feel like we are in limbo, waiting for someone to share a bone with us. Just a little tidbit of information.
Tuesday
Less than 4 days
Tuesday
Tuesday is when we finally have closure. If that is what you can call it. At least most of the unknowing will be answered.
I hate that we can't ask the lawyer questions. What an ass.
I feel like we are in limbo, waiting for someone to share a bone with us. Just a little tidbit of information.
Tuesday
Less than 4 days
Monday, November 4, 2019
Pictures
They want pictures now.
Pictures of him when he was younger and when he was with friends and family.
Looking through years and years of pictures. All of the great times camping and spending time together.
It is painful.
Knowing that he will most likely have to register and he will not be allowed to camp in a public campground. He is an Eagle scout. He love the outdoors and camping but he will not be allowed into a federal or state park.
I am heartbroken.
Pictures of him when he was younger and when he was with friends and family.
Looking through years and years of pictures. All of the great times camping and spending time together.
It is painful.
Knowing that he will most likely have to register and he will not be allowed to camp in a public campground. He is an Eagle scout. He love the outdoors and camping but he will not be allowed into a federal or state park.
I am heartbroken.
Sunday, November 3, 2019
The Beginning of Hell
The story has changed. Stress and worry is life now.
Our Airman has screwed up. Not just a little mess up easy to fix, but big. Something that will change his and our lives forever. Something that shows you who your real friends are.
What happened?
Last summer he messaged us on Facebook.
"I am going through something and I need you guys to pray for me."
Nothing else. No amount of prying can get it out of him. Time passes and we get a call from Air force investigators. WHAT?
Finally we get it out of him that he is under investigation.
Did you do something? "Yes"
Did you hurt someone? "No"
Are you hurt? "No"
Do you need a lawyer? "The Air Force has given me one"
That's it.
More calls from investigators. We get nervous and ask if we should talk to them. There is no answer because his given lawyer is unresponsive. So we start calling around. We find a lawyer who will call our son and talk to him before we pay him $7000.
Our son finally calls us and talks to his dad per the lawyers recommendation. He does not want us to know. He is afraid we will forever look at him differently. That we will stop loving him and never forgive him.
How can our child ever think that!? How can any child think that his parents will stop loving him?
It's bad.
It's something we never would have suspected. How could you?
That Spring, shortly after returning from deployment, he was on a chat app and started to get messages sending him links. He clicked on the links that led him to Dropbox and to images no one should ever have access to. Child Porn. He was curious and he looked at them. Then he realized what he had done and deleted Dropbox and any images that had been downloaded. All of this happened over two weeks.
Two weeks.
Most of the time it takes longer to ruin someone's life. Not in this case. Just the mention of it makes people turn away. It is a horrible thing.
The lawyer called us back. MJ had felt so guilty that when they called him in he immediately gave them a written confession, his cell phone and all passwords plus gave them permission to search his apartment. This is the kind of Man our son is. He knows when he does wrong and accepts the punishment.
Little did we know what was in store for us.
The lawyer reassured us and gave us hope that there was a chance he could get it dismissed etc etc. He had not been charged yet so there was still a chance. All of the promises lawyers give so they can get your money.
We decide to cancel our planned vacation and decide instead to drive 10 hours to visit our son. He tearfully reassured us that it was a mistake. He was so sorry. He was not interested in CP but had gotten curious. This would never ever happen again.
I believe him. We believe him. This boy does not and has never lied to us. He was the "good one" He wanted to be a hero from the time he was little. He believed in right or wrong. It's either black or white, there is no grey. The Eagle Scout. The son who is most like me. Sweet and emotional, always ready to give a hug, honest to a fault. This one one is the one under investigation.
We drive back home stunned but hopeful because we decide to hire the lawyer and he has given us hope.
Months pass. Our son is able to take leave and come home and visit the family. 90% of whom have no clue of our silent hell. We have determined to not tell anyone we do not have to in the hopes this will all pass.
Finally charges are filed. He is being court martialed. Our hearts are broken.
The lawyer tells us that now the real work can begin and he needs another $14,000 to fight for our son. Our son tells us his Air Force lawyers are changing so he really wants the paid lawyer. Of course we agree and put it on credit cards.
More time passes with little word from the lawyer until our son send us a plea deal he has been asked to sign. The plea deal is admitting guilt and no more than 18 months in jail. We hit panic mode and call the lawyer while I start researching possible defenses online. Our son calls us back, crying, "I did this. I am sorry. I screwed up" I send a message to the lawyer who tells us there is no hope.
Our son signs the plea.
To him it is black or white.
To us it is the nail in the coffin.
The only hope now is that the judge will take mercy and give him a short sentence.
The plea deal is denied. They want 3 years. He signs it. He is resigned to his fate.
Now we have to give the lawyers names of people who are close to us so they can ask for character witness letters and possible testimony. Names of people who do not know what he has done. Names of people who will now know what he has done.
Who will potentially judge us for what he has done. Judge us as being terrible parents, who did not teach our sons better. How could we let our son think that this was ok? Of course we have already judged ourselves and tried to figure out what we did wrong. What parent wouldn't?
The calls from the lawyer go out and the calls to us come in. "What did he do?"
We are surprised at the number of people who we thought would judge us the harshest instead tell us they will pray for us. And of course they would write letters. He is such a good person. We are dismayed to find that those who we thought we were closest to will not even call us back. The ones we vacation with, who we have known for over 15 years. Those are the ones who do not respond.
You find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this.
Now we wait.
The letters have been sent.
The hearing is in a week.
It is in the hands of the lawyer who has not proven himself to us and to a judge who does not know our son.
We wait and we pray.
Our Airman has screwed up. Not just a little mess up easy to fix, but big. Something that will change his and our lives forever. Something that shows you who your real friends are.
What happened?
Last summer he messaged us on Facebook.
"I am going through something and I need you guys to pray for me."
Nothing else. No amount of prying can get it out of him. Time passes and we get a call from Air force investigators. WHAT?
Finally we get it out of him that he is under investigation.
Did you do something? "Yes"
Did you hurt someone? "No"
Are you hurt? "No"
Do you need a lawyer? "The Air Force has given me one"
That's it.
More calls from investigators. We get nervous and ask if we should talk to them. There is no answer because his given lawyer is unresponsive. So we start calling around. We find a lawyer who will call our son and talk to him before we pay him $7000.
Our son finally calls us and talks to his dad per the lawyers recommendation. He does not want us to know. He is afraid we will forever look at him differently. That we will stop loving him and never forgive him.
How can our child ever think that!? How can any child think that his parents will stop loving him?
It's bad.
It's something we never would have suspected. How could you?
That Spring, shortly after returning from deployment, he was on a chat app and started to get messages sending him links. He clicked on the links that led him to Dropbox and to images no one should ever have access to. Child Porn. He was curious and he looked at them. Then he realized what he had done and deleted Dropbox and any images that had been downloaded. All of this happened over two weeks.
Two weeks.
Most of the time it takes longer to ruin someone's life. Not in this case. Just the mention of it makes people turn away. It is a horrible thing.
The lawyer called us back. MJ had felt so guilty that when they called him in he immediately gave them a written confession, his cell phone and all passwords plus gave them permission to search his apartment. This is the kind of Man our son is. He knows when he does wrong and accepts the punishment.
Little did we know what was in store for us.
The lawyer reassured us and gave us hope that there was a chance he could get it dismissed etc etc. He had not been charged yet so there was still a chance. All of the promises lawyers give so they can get your money.
We decide to cancel our planned vacation and decide instead to drive 10 hours to visit our son. He tearfully reassured us that it was a mistake. He was so sorry. He was not interested in CP but had gotten curious. This would never ever happen again.
I believe him. We believe him. This boy does not and has never lied to us. He was the "good one" He wanted to be a hero from the time he was little. He believed in right or wrong. It's either black or white, there is no grey. The Eagle Scout. The son who is most like me. Sweet and emotional, always ready to give a hug, honest to a fault. This one one is the one under investigation.
We drive back home stunned but hopeful because we decide to hire the lawyer and he has given us hope.
Months pass. Our son is able to take leave and come home and visit the family. 90% of whom have no clue of our silent hell. We have determined to not tell anyone we do not have to in the hopes this will all pass.
Finally charges are filed. He is being court martialed. Our hearts are broken.
The lawyer tells us that now the real work can begin and he needs another $14,000 to fight for our son. Our son tells us his Air Force lawyers are changing so he really wants the paid lawyer. Of course we agree and put it on credit cards.
More time passes with little word from the lawyer until our son send us a plea deal he has been asked to sign. The plea deal is admitting guilt and no more than 18 months in jail. We hit panic mode and call the lawyer while I start researching possible defenses online. Our son calls us back, crying, "I did this. I am sorry. I screwed up" I send a message to the lawyer who tells us there is no hope.
Our son signs the plea.
To him it is black or white.
To us it is the nail in the coffin.
The only hope now is that the judge will take mercy and give him a short sentence.
The plea deal is denied. They want 3 years. He signs it. He is resigned to his fate.
Now we have to give the lawyers names of people who are close to us so they can ask for character witness letters and possible testimony. Names of people who do not know what he has done. Names of people who will now know what he has done.
Who will potentially judge us for what he has done. Judge us as being terrible parents, who did not teach our sons better. How could we let our son think that this was ok? Of course we have already judged ourselves and tried to figure out what we did wrong. What parent wouldn't?
The calls from the lawyer go out and the calls to us come in. "What did he do?"
We are surprised at the number of people who we thought would judge us the harshest instead tell us they will pray for us. And of course they would write letters. He is such a good person. We are dismayed to find that those who we thought we were closest to will not even call us back. The ones we vacation with, who we have known for over 15 years. Those are the ones who do not respond.
You find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this.
Now we wait.
The letters have been sent.
The hearing is in a week.
It is in the hands of the lawyer who has not proven himself to us and to a judge who does not know our son.
We wait and we pray.
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