The other day I had a troll attack me on an online support group. Unfortunately this group is public so people feel free to speak their minds occasionally. He was vehement and nasty and just plain cruel. Accusing me of being a terrible parent who never said "No" and gave our children everything and no discipline. While I was not really upset about it, it did cause me to take stock.
Were we really such terrible parents?
Did we not give our sons guidance and discipline?
Was that why M did this terrible, awful thing?
Did we not give our children enough attention or spend enough time with them?
I think most parents question whether they are doing a good job or not. I honestly don't think any parent would say that they were perfect parents. Who could? There is always something you could have potentially done better. But how do you know?
Because we primarily work from home, we were there for them when they got home from school. We helped them with their homework, made sure they had everything they needed and encouraged them to do better. We praised them when they did well and tried to help them when they did not do well.
We spent more time with them then I think most parents can, so much so that we are close to them. They feel confident in confiding in us and asking advice. We spend vacations together. We are there for them even as adults.
We disciplined them when they were children. Yes, they got spankings occasionally. They were grounded or had privileges taken away. We told them "No" when we needed to and yes whenever we could.
They were spoiled in that they had all of their needs met. But the Christmas tree was never piled high. If they wanted something special they paid for it with money they earned from having jobs. They were required to pay us back if they borrowed more than a few dollars and were responsible for their own extra expenses. M was even paying us back for the lawyer.
As a whole I think we did the best that we could. I don't think we did a terrible job. Are there things we could have done better? Of course. But we did teach them right from wrong.
When our kids are given the freedom to soar, sometimes they crash.
No one parent or person is perfect.
Some mistakes are worse than others.
And sometimes our kids do things that we will never understand.
Terrible things.
But it does not make me love them any less.
And I don't think that makes me a terrible parent.
I'm sorry to hear about the troll. I was also so careful and invested so much in parenting, thought I'd done OK, heck we were weeks away from sending him off to college and patting ourselves on the back for a job well done...and the next thing we knew we were taking him to a defense lawyer and wondering if we would be spending the money for tuition or for bail (luckily tuition prevailed--most parents aren't happy to be paying tuition but your perspective sure changes fast when something like this comes up). The good kid, the one that all the teachers would say, "I wish all my kids were like him." The one that wouldn't even sneak M&M's from the dispenser when the babysitter egged him on. I did talk to him about porn and consent, I did monitor his computer use, I did delay his getting a smartphone way beyond most of his friends...and it still wasn't enough to protect him or his sister. I'm sure I judged myself more harshly for his failure than anyone else judged me. You get to a really good place by the end of your post and I needed to read that. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI think as a parent we all question how well we are doing. Heck it's not like there is an instruction manual! We are all doing the best we can.
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