Life as we know it

 It seems our lives revolve around doctors now. Have we hit the target age? LOL 

Monday was spend seeing a specialist for Rs substernal thyroid goiter. Good news, I guess. No cancer but the surgeon said he has a second heart! The goiter is so large. We got to see images of it and it is huge. It has pushed his trachea completely over to the other side instead of being straight up and down. Fortunately it does not have to be completely removed. Only one side is massive, so no extra meds and it can all be done in one day! Since it is not cancer we just need to pick a day/week for it to be removed. 

Tuesday was spend at a cancer center for me. My mammogram had a couple of areas that looked enlarged. Good news again! No cancer and just a mammography fault. 

My stress level has greatly reduced today. I really had no idea how scared I was about both. I broke down a little bit when they gave us the ultrasound results for me. 

Stress and shutting up

 He has decided he is ok to change his meds when he wants to to try to diagnose side effects. His mother apparently approves and I get shut down when I disagree. I am so tired. I can't say anything anymore. He knows better than the doctors. He Googles it and finds something that agrees with him and that is what he goes with. He rants to his mother constantly because I am sick of it and attempt to shut him down. He just does not get it. I know he wants to be in control of his own body, his own healing, meds etc. But he won't trust the doctors. He just keeps going rouge and I can't say anything without getting accused of micro-managing and not understanding. I can't seem to say anything right anymore. So I shut up and he thinks I am angry with him. I am really not, I am just tired. I can't go through that again. I can't wait to find out if he is going to live again. He will never understand. 

Sleep

 Or the lack there of'

Sigh

My dreams are all of that day

I don't know why. It has been 10 weeks. Why am I dreaming about seeing him before he goes to surgery and then when it is over. The visuals are killing me. The stress and fear are mind numbing. 

PTSD

 I remember the nurses at the hospital telling us that hubby might have some form of PTSD from almost dying. And the shock of everything, plus the effects of not being able to do as he used to right away. His primary care doctor said the same thing when we saw her last week. 

Of course they are right. He does have things that make him pause and fears now that were not there before. He made bread the other day and the smell of the dough caught him off guard. Since that was what he was doing when his aneurism burst. 

I guess I did not connect though, that I have PTSD as well. When he talks about how frustrating it is for him that he is not back to normal or how ticked off at how often he has to go to the doctors now, I get pissed off. I snapped the other day when he was complaining about how he is sick of doctors. Sometimes I get sick of his complaining. He is alive! I don't care how many doctors he has to see. He is alive. It's worth it. 

We were working together last weekend and a friend who had not seen or talked to hubby since the hospital was there and was thrilled to get to see and talk to hubby. Hubby relayed to me something the friend had said that struck me. 

P said that the first thing he thought of when he heard about hubby was me. He knows the kind of relationship hubby and I have and while he was worried for hubby he also worried about how I was. 

Honestly it was the first time in 10 weeks that anyone had said that they thought about me and what I was going through. Our two best friends were there at the hospital for me, so yes I had support, but this was different. All thoughts and prayers, as they should be, have been for hubby and him living and healing. I guess I just felt like it was the first time someone saw me. 

Selfish I know. 

I am not sure he will ever know what I went through that day. Just like I will never really know how he was feeling spending a week in the hospital. 

I think we are both going through PTSD. 

Selfishness

 I hate that about myself. I hate that I was upset, not upset upset, that R was not feeling well enough for us to go to a friends 4th of July party. 

He has been doing great! But one of his meds ended and the withdrawals from it is making him sick. 

I mean I wasn't really upset, but I was. I feel terrible that I was disappointed. I shouldn't feel like that. I should and do feel grateful that he is still here. I mean I cry with gratitude when we make love! 

But

Yeah there it is. But

I feel lonely. And tired.

The last 6 weeks have been stressful and long. And I want to go spend time with friends. I want to go out. I want to go back to before. 

He told me I should go without him. That is silly. They are our friends and going to drink and play in a pool without him is just not going to happen. 

I am just tired. And lonely. 

I will get through this. It's not about me. I am so incredibly grateful. I can't be selfish

Praise God!

 Thank you Lord! 

Medicaid came through and paid for everything. 

I can't even relay how grateful I am. I am crying tears of relief and joy right now. I was so worried about Hubby that I had not even thought about how stressed I was about the bills that were racking up. Yesterday we over 250,000 today that amount is 0. I can't believe it. Thank God! Thank you Lord! 

Ugh Stress

We thought hubby was coming home today. Surprise! Nope, not yet. 

His mother showed up again at the hospital. "My baby" Then proceeded to chatter and nag about everything. She started off by telling him that he needs to know what a miracle he is and how so many people had been praying for him. EVERY time she sees him she says the same thing. HE KNOWS! 

I got into it with her. I am sick and tired of her. She just does not know when to stop. He tries to nap and she talks and talks and talks. She tells him he should nap and then does not shut up.

She made some comment about moving so she was not looking at his parts and I lost it. The other day she refused to look away when he was getting into the bed with his ass out. He is an adult! I don't care if you have seen it before, it is rude to keep staring at a grown mans ass when he is incapacitated. She is incredibly condescending. 

She started accusing me of being competitive and I was competing with her and if something happened to my boys that I would be the same way. I am sorry but NO! I will not! 

Deep breath

One of his nurses told me that they noticed when she walked in the room his blood pressure jumped 30 points. They watched it happen every time she walks in the room. 

Just Breath

I can do this. I can get through this. 

He will come home tomorrow. She will probably be there nagging the whole way and want to follow us home to "help". 

It is his mother though and he can't tell her to stay away. So I guess I just have to suck it up. 

I can do it. I promise. I can do it.

A Long Week

 It is Sunday

No wait sorry it's Monday

I have spent every day from 8-8 at the hospital. I can't even think straight anymore. Today is the first day that I am not able to be there at 8am and it is because I have a client meeting that I can't afford to get out of. So I sent one of the boys. I don't want him alone at the hospital if at all possible. I can't imagine being there alone. It's bad enough he is there at all. 

I am mentally exhausted. 

His mother comes every day and moons over "her baby", talks constantly and critics the nurses. I can't stand it. I am sick of seeing her. I am sick of listening to her. I am sick of her. On a normal basis I can tolerate her in small doses and now I have her everyday. I am about to lose it.

The boys are wonderful. They are so sweet checking to make sure that I eat and sleep. I do forget to eat. But sleep comes pretty fast and easy. I am home by 8:30ish and in bed by 10. I can't stay awake any longer. 

My brain just does not seem to know how to work anymore. I am not sure that I will know what to do with myself when he comes home. 

Yesterday tears were at the surface all day. I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support that we have received. I almost lost it when I was working with a friend to get work covered. I did lose it when I read the letter I had typed out to tell our clients what had happened. I lost it when his wonderful nurse came in to say goodbye, she is off the next two days and we may not see her before he leaves. 

It's Monday I have to try to remember that. Memorial day. Right. Monday. OK. I can do this.

When they say...

God will not give you more than you can handle, He sure must think we can handle A LOT! 

Hubby went to the hospital this week with chest pains. I was an hour away with my mother so I got a text from him saying 

"Hows it going. Don't freak out." 

"Going well. Why don't freak out?"

"I am at (the hospital)"

"ok. Why? Are you ok?"

"I think I had some chest pains"

I asked if they were doing tests and he said yes. Mom and I head back home, really not thinking the worst. Or rather trying not to. He had gone to the hospital with pains before only to have it be anxiety. 

We pull into the parking lot of the hospital when hubby calls and says...

"You need to meet me at (another hospital 15 min away) they say I need emergency surgery" 

"What!!!! Emergency surgery?"

"Yeah, they are taking me in an ambulance. Its the thing my dad has. "

His dad has a hereditary heart defect. He had a stint put in years ago. His grandfather with  the same defect died on the operating table.

I try to ask a question and he says... "Oh, they say I am bleeding into my chest." 

He is very nonchalant through all of this, although at that point I can hear fear in his voice. 

We find out where we need to go and I start flying. I don't think my mother has heard me say as many swear words cussing people out for cutting me off or not letting me in as I try to get to the hospital during rush hour traffic before he dies. I fly to security who rushes me up to surgery while mom stays to wait for the boys. We made it up right before he goes in and I cuss him out. I tell him he promised me forever so he owes me. I think I called him an asshole. I honestly don't remember too much about that except I said f*#& and other things, with the nurses watching me. They take him prep and the doctor gives me the details. 

Aortic Root Dissection

This is one of two ways that kills people "naturally" If he had waited any longer before he drove himself to the hospital he would have died. There was a 25% chance of death during surgery, he could lose a leg, brain function, organ failure etc etc. 

Somehow I manage to get to the waiting area without losing it. The boys were not there yet. I was alone. I called the two people who I knew would get the word out. My MIL and our best friend. The boys finally arrive and I lose control. The next 6 hours friends and family arrive to a total of almost 15 people. The word is put out for prayers from everyone we can think of. My phone is blowing up constantly and I pace the aisle. The nurse calls every two hours to give me an update and as soon as she does a crowd gathers around me to listen. 

I don't know what I would have done without them. They were a massive support system on the absolute worst day of my life. I don't know how I would have survived without them. 

The nurse called about 8pm (4 hours in) to tell us he came through and they would be closing him up soon. It was another hour before she called to say they were closing him up and another hour before the doctor came out to talk to me. I am sure he was a bit surprised when everyone sat down to listen. A circle of 10 at that point all anxious to hear how he was. Fortunately our best friend and Js girlfriend both asked questions while all I cared about was when I could see him.

Surprisingly they let the family all come in. He was intubated and not awake, but he was ALIVE! 

I tried to stay with him but they would not let me. They expected me to go home and sleep. It was after midnight at that point and of course sleep was not going to happen. But I relented and went home where I laid on the couch and  attempted to sleep. Yeah No

We get to the hospital before visiting hours where I had to throw a fit to get to go up and wait to see him. I finally got the call that I could see him, he was awake. 

I don't think I have ever been more overjoyed to see my husband all covered in wires and tubes and still intubated as that moment. He reached for my hand and wrote "Do I look Cool?" with is finger. I think that will go down as one of my best memories ever. 

I am the most blessed and grateful person on the face of the Earth. The recovery time ahead is huge. But I don't care. He is Alive! I will take it all. All of the difficult times ahead are worth me being able to wake up next to him every day and tell him I love him. 

Why yes you do look cool. 

Finally

 Probation is officially over on the 11th. But his PO stopped by and said goodbye and have a good life on the 1st. I came home to M drinking a beer! LOL The relief was palpable. There are still a lot of unknowns right now with the actual registry and how difficult it will make some things. But the fear of making a mistake and being sent back is gone. The fear and constant looking over his/our shoulders is gone. 

No this does not mean smooth sailing from here on out. There will and is still a lot to contend with. There is still family who can not forgive. He will still be labled as an SO for the rest of his life. But for now we can breath.

Mentaly Exhausted

 I am just so tired of explaining over and over and over again that M is not a threat. To the same damn people. To his brother to my MIL to those who know who M is. 

HE IS NOT A THREAT! 

I am just tired. 

Again and Again and Again

 The constant rehashing of what M did. 

It seems to never end. Even with those who have been in the "know" since the begining. 

Now that the holidays are around the corner it begins all over again because certain people have declared that M is a danger and do not want to be around him. The same people who were supportive in the begining. 

I feel like we have to explain it over and over to the same people constantly. 

People Suck

 I got a call from someone claiming to be a State Police Sargent. He left a message saying he need to get in touch with M. M had just checked his phone and had recieved a text message after a missed call with the same message. 

He gets on the phone with them and they claim that he had missed a "meeting" and there was a federal arrest warrent issued for him. They had sent notice of this "meeting" via certified mail and it was signed as having been recieved. He denied ever recieving anything and they said he needed to come to the state police department to sign a card front and back to prove he did not sign it. Then he needed to pay 10% of a PR bond $4500 that would be refunded if he was proven correct. 

They tell him he has to stay on the phone with them. He is in panic mode so Hubby says he will go with him since M can't drive, stay on the phone and look at directions at the same time. They tell us that no one is allowed to go with him. That does not fly of course. They tell us that we are not allowed to go and loiter in the parking lot to which we tell them that we will drop M and go to Walmart or somewhere else to wait for him. 

They get to the bank so that M can get the cash while I am contacting his PO and asking about it on Reddit. Now that Hubby is going they change their tune. Now they want him to deposit the money in a kiosk nearby and come down to the police station with a statement from the kiosk. They tell M that if he does not come by with the statement that he will be arrested on site. 

I get on the phone with the police department they orriginally wanted him to go to and am told that everything is done through the courts that the police will never ask for cash. I let M and Hubby know and this but M of course is still worried about the potential warrent for his arrest. I call the police again and she says that she cannot tell me if there is a warrent but after looking his name up tells me it is 100% a scam. 

M tells the guy on the phone. They tell M that if he does not come by with the statement that he will be arrested on site. We are 90% sure it is a scam at this point but there is still the fear of a warrent so they go by our local police department. They reassure him that there is no warrent. 

All of this time Ms phone keeps disconnecting from the scammers. While they were leaving the police department the scammer calls back and M takes the phone inside and offeres it to the police officer he had just been talking to. Click.

They drove by the location of the kiosk that they wanted him to deposit the money into and it was a Bitcoin machine in the back of a gas station. 

Lesson learned but now we are all ready for a drink.

This Stage Is Almost Done

 We are so close! 

M had his final polygraph last week.

M flagged for watching porn and internet usage. Neither of which he has ANY access to! He said the guy defined porn as ANY nudity at all. M flagged because we watch Game of Thrones. He watches it with us because they took his TV away. I mean... Really? 

He also flagged for internet use. How? He has a dumb phone and has NO access to anything with internet. M explained he has looked over my shoulder when I order him something from Amazon to make sure I get the correct tool. Again... Really?

So his PO called him up and wants to meet with him today at her office. 

I just can't right now.

Update! He met with his PO and everything is fine. This counts as his monthly. She will stop by next month to give him a high five and he is DONE! 

Update 2! His Air Force appellate attorney finally got in touch with us. She says she only had his name and found us through our business website. Crazy. His appeal had been denied but they are looking into his case again because the prosecutors were out of line. Making him look like a terrible person and accusing him of doing things that he never did. There is an extremely small chance anything will come of it. But they are specifically looking into cases like his. 

1 Week

 M will be home one week from today. Crazy really. It has been over 2 years since we have seen him. Aside from a single video call a few months ago. 

I am having a mix of feelings. I am excited and happy while being scared and sad at the same time. Happy and excited for obvious reasons. It has been so long since we have seen our son. Scared of the unknown. And sad for his future. 

We have been preparing for him to come home, legally of course. But there is still so much we do not know. Apparently a lot of it depends on the PO and what she requires. She seems nice and we know that M will follow the rules. But we dont have a list of what the rules are. 

I think that is our problem. We want to know what to expect but no one seems able to help with that to the extent that we would like. We like to have it all in black and white and there is so much gray that makes us uncomfortable. 

And it's done

 And there is nothing else we can do. 

The parole hearing was yesterday and it went about as well as could be expected, I guess. I don't know what we expected. 

How it worked. 

We had a time to call in and speak in support of M. It was all done via call conferencing because of Covid. Once we called they made sure everyone was in on the call and then asked if we had anything to say, we had 30 minutes. R had prepared talking points based on what I knew we needed to touch on. He did most of the speaking fortunately. 

The moderator actually commented that we had done our research. 

After we spoke they had the opportunity to ask questions. Only one person had questions as well as the moderator. (That was not what he was called I just don't remember) M had put that we would employ him he returns home in his parole plan. They did not like that. We are photographers and they were concerned that he might be around children. (Whatever) We also had in there that we live in an area with a high concentration of warehouses he could be employed at. As well as friends in construction who have already said they would put him to work. 

I get that they don't want him in a situation that could tempt him. But thinking he is going to pick up a camera at a wedding and start taking pictures of little kids while he is surrounded by a hundred people is just crazy. And they want him to reintegrate with society. They can't expect him to never be around kids (supervised of course). This concern seemed overly dramatic.

We had been told that we needed to get him a therapist that would agree to work with him. I found one, only to be told by the moderator that the parole office has their own therapists they will want him to work with. 

Overall I have no idea what they will decide. I think we did well. We should know in a couple of weeks.

There is a weight that has been lifted from us though. There is nothing else we can do. He either comes home in this Spring or next. And it is out of our hands. There is relief in that.

Another Holiday

 Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and surprisingly it was much like last Thanksgiving except this one small Thanksgiving was thanks to Covid. However that did not make it any easier. 

The stress of all of this is taking its toll. 

MJ called late. Somehow he got permission even though it was after lights out. He sounded down. They apparently ran out of food before his group got to eat so he pretty much had scraps. Which I guess most people might shrug and say "Well he is in prison" which is true, but it does not make it any easier. 

His parole hearing with the actual parole board is in January. Honestly though we are so tired of even having to deal with all of it. It is all just so much. 

There are moments of light and joy. I put our Christmas decorations up early this year. I needed it. This was the first year I have ever put the decorations up or played Christmas music before Thanksgiving ever. It's kind of nice. 

I am trying to find joy. It used to be there all of the time. Now it is only there in small moments. So now I actively seek it. I look for it everywhere. It is much harder to find now. But at least I am looking.

Attempting to live

It has been a year since we found out what M was being investigated for. 8 months since he was incarcerated. 4 months since the Covid hell took a massive bite out of our business. 

To be honest the past couple of years have just been Hell. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been bright spots. But overall it is just shit. But lets discuss the bright spots as a reminder to myself lest I become ungrateful.

We have somehow been able to pay all of the bills.  Yes Hubby is working nights at Hell and somehow I was able to get unemployment but I can't rule out Gods hand in that.

M is still staying upbeat and enjoys working in the wood shop. He has always been the upbeat child, much like myself. So it is hard to keep him down for long.

R and his wife are getting along and making the marriage work. Considering he thought they would be divorced by now this is a good thing. 

J has a couple of groups of friends that are helping him through this. As much as he does not open up his friends help.

I can see God in our lives and I do try my best to be grateful. Right now it is harder than ever. This pandemic is causing an incredible amount of stress in our lives. (Yes I know we are not alone in that) Compounded with the stress of a child in prison and Hubby working nights...well...the tears comes in waves. We can go days without a thought and then it all slams home fresh again. 

I know I know we will get through all of this. But life will never be the same. When M comes home the stress begins again because of the restrictions of the list. 

For now we are just trying to survive. I guess that is really all that we can do. 

Survive

Avoidance

6 1/2 months so far.
April 2022 is his expected release date with good behavior.
It seems like forever.
I have started avoiding everything to do his offense. I stopped going to the support groups. I stopped reading articles. I just can't anymore.
I can't read about people who are going through the trials of the list anymore. The people who come onto the groups to harass and berate them for trying to live some semblance of a normal life.  The parents like us who can't believe what their child has done. I just can't.
I know so much now and I know it is just the tip of the iceberg. We have avoided telling M what is in store for him when he comes home. He is so naive. I love that about him. And he does not need to know how his life will change.
He thinks he will live with us for a short time before getting an apartment.
He thinks getting a job will be easy.
He asked about going to comic cons. I did not have the heart to tell him it was no longer his choice.
He does not know that he will not be able to go to his children's schools when he has them or that they may even try to keep him from the hospital when they are born.
He does not know that the list will make him a pariah and that society will not accept him as a good person. That he will forever be labeled as a terrible human being.
So far prison does not seem to have changed him too much, but I fear that the list will.
I have avoided telling him what he is in for.
I have to step back and leave that all for when he comes home.
I know I won't be able to avoid it completely, it's our life now, but I can't go to the groups daily anymore.
It is going to be a long 2 years.

Trying to find faith

So much has happened the last year. Although it has been a rough 5 or 6 years that this one just seems like a nail on the coffin. Sometimes we feel like Job. But you could say "But you have your health and no one has died" ...well yeah...sure. We have our health. Sigh. Here is our history of the last few years in a cliffs notes version:
Robbed 3x
Tornado tore through our house.
Oldest son dropped out of college, moved home, went on a destructive drug abuse binge, got a girl pregnant, moved out, got married, moved back with child and new wife, moved out again.
Middle son, dropped out of college, moved home, joined Air Force, ruined everything now in jail.
Youngest son, graduated high school, never went to college, still living at home, dead end job, stoner, no drivers license.
Business failing due to economy and hiring someone who destroyed clients trust in us.
Husband had to take terrible job to pay for middles sons lawyer bills and general bills from business failing.
But we have our health.

In all of this I have been trying to find God.
Being robbed forced us to upgrade the gear we need for our business.
The tornado meant we got all new windows and carpet which we desperately needed.
Oldest son gave us a wonderful grandson.
Middle son...well he is in Bible study while in jail.
Youngest son...we are still working on that.
Oh and we have our health.

They say God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes so mysterious there is no way to figure them out. I know that I have not been praying as much as I should. We have not gone to church in forever because hubby has to sleep until 1 or 2 because he works until 5am. We have our small group every week but honestly if we did not host it at our house I would not go. It just feels like so much. Too much.

But I know in my heart of hearts that He is still there. I don't think He is testing us. I do think the other IS testing us. Trying to get us to deny God. But as bad as things are and have been I can't deny God. I can't deny my Father. I don't call him enough but He will not stop loving me regardless. It is up to me to call on Him.

So yes, we have our health, but we also have our Faith. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed right now. All is not lost even though sometimes it feels like it is.