Small Miracles

 M has been seeing a girl he met online. He really likes her. Told us she is the coolest person he has ever met! His biggest worry (And ours) was what would happen when he tells her. He had thought he might wait because she is only in the area until Thanksgiving before heading home 4 states away and going back to college in another state. J suggested though that if M was going to have a long distance relationship it would be better that he told her now instead of waiting until they were too far away to talk in person. 

Smart boy that J. 

He was right of course. Thinking about it, it made sense. M really likes her and would like to continue to talk to her and potentially date. 

They spent the day together yesterday and when they came back to her car, he told her. Telling her that he would totally understand if she wanted him to leave and never see him again and offering to answer any questions she had. Surprisingly she told him she did not want him to leave and that she wanted to keep dating! 

M was terrified to tell her. This was the best possible outcome! 

He made sure he told her in a public place where she could leave if she wanted to and she decided to stay. she really is a cool girl. I look forward to meeting her! 

Life as we know it

 It seems our lives revolve around doctors now. Have we hit the target age? LOL 

Monday was spend seeing a specialist for Rs substernal thyroid goiter. Good news, I guess. No cancer but the surgeon said he has a second heart! The goiter is so large. We got to see images of it and it is huge. It has pushed his trachea completely over to the other side instead of being straight up and down. Fortunately it does not have to be completely removed. Only one side is massive, so no extra meds and it can all be done in one day! Since it is not cancer we just need to pick a day/week for it to be removed. 

Tuesday was spend at a cancer center for me. My mammogram had a couple of areas that looked enlarged. Good news again! No cancer and just a mammography fault. 

My stress level has greatly reduced today. I really had no idea how scared I was about both. I broke down a little bit when they gave us the ultrasound results for me. 

Dating

 He met a girl! M signed up for a dating app and they have been chatting and have had a few dates now. He was so nervous the first date. He just left for their 4th date. She does not live locally though. She is from Wisconsin and is in town for a few months on an internship before going hone for Thanksgiving and then back to college in another state. 

He likes her a lot. 

He has not told her yet. And we have advised him not to yet. Since she is leaving town in a few weeks there is really no reason to bring all of that into the mix. Obviously if it extends beyond just dating then there will need to be a conversation. It is not like he can easily move to another state to be with her if she does not want to move here. 

So we will wait and see if anything comes of this. Or if it is just a diversion for him. It is great to see him so happy right now. 

Stress and shutting up

 He has decided he is ok to change his meds when he wants to to try to diagnose side effects. His mother apparently approves and I get shut down when I disagree. I am so tired. I can't say anything anymore. He knows better than the doctors. He Googles it and finds something that agrees with him and that is what he goes with. He rants to his mother constantly because I am sick of it and attempt to shut him down. He just does not get it. I know he wants to be in control of his own body, his own healing, meds etc. But he won't trust the doctors. He just keeps going rouge and I can't say anything without getting accused of micro-managing and not understanding. I can't seem to say anything right anymore. So I shut up and he thinks I am angry with him. I am really not, I am just tired. I can't go through that again. I can't wait to find out if he is going to live again. He will never understand. 

Sleep

 Or the lack there of'

Sigh

My dreams are all of that day

I don't know why. It has been 10 weeks. Why am I dreaming about seeing him before he goes to surgery and then when it is over. The visuals are killing me. The stress and fear are mind numbing. 

PTSD

 I remember the nurses at the hospital telling us that hubby might have some form of PTSD from almost dying. And the shock of everything, plus the effects of not being able to do as he used to right away. His primary care doctor said the same thing when we saw her last week. 

Of course they are right. He does have things that make him pause and fears now that were not there before. He made bread the other day and the smell of the dough caught him off guard. Since that was what he was doing when his aneurism burst. 

I guess I did not connect though, that I have PTSD as well. When he talks about how frustrating it is for him that he is not back to normal or how ticked off at how often he has to go to the doctors now, I get pissed off. I snapped the other day when he was complaining about how he is sick of doctors. Sometimes I get sick of his complaining. He is alive! I don't care how many doctors he has to see. He is alive. It's worth it. 

We were working together last weekend and a friend who had not seen or talked to hubby since the hospital was there and was thrilled to get to see and talk to hubby. Hubby relayed to me something the friend had said that struck me. 

P said that the first thing he thought of when he heard about hubby was me. He knows the kind of relationship hubby and I have and while he was worried for hubby he also worried about how I was. 

Honestly it was the first time in 10 weeks that anyone had said that they thought about me and what I was going through. Our two best friends were there at the hospital for me, so yes I had support, but this was different. All thoughts and prayers, as they should be, have been for hubby and him living and healing. I guess I just felt like it was the first time someone saw me. 

Selfish I know. 

I am not sure he will ever know what I went through that day. Just like I will never really know how he was feeling spending a week in the hospital. 

I think we are both going through PTSD. 

Selfishness

 I hate that about myself. I hate that I was upset, not upset upset, that R was not feeling well enough for us to go to a friends 4th of July party. 

He has been doing great! But one of his meds ended and the withdrawals from it is making him sick. 

I mean I wasn't really upset, but I was. I feel terrible that I was disappointed. I shouldn't feel like that. I should and do feel grateful that he is still here. I mean I cry with gratitude when we make love! 

But

Yeah there it is. But

I feel lonely. And tired.

The last 6 weeks have been stressful and long. And I want to go spend time with friends. I want to go out. I want to go back to before. 

He told me I should go without him. That is silly. They are our friends and going to drink and play in a pool without him is just not going to happen. 

I am just tired. And lonely. 

I will get through this. It's not about me. I am so incredibly grateful. I can't be selfish

Gratefulness

It really is amazing. I have always considered myself as a grateful person. I am convinced that all of the blessings bestowed on my/our lives are genuine gifts from God. That is a fact. 

But the moments of just sheer gratitude lately have me on the verge of tears at a continuous basis. I will brake down in tears at moments notice. I look across the room and see R in his chair or hear the continuous tic tic of his artificial heart valve and I can't help it. 

The blessings are continuous lately and I really am beside myself with joy. 

We own a commercial property that we ran our business out of for about 15 years, covid put an end to that and we have been trying to sell it. It needs some pretty obvious work done to it now and the listing had expired last year. Last week someone randomly contacted me through an odd source and they made us a cash offer to close on it this week! 

When friends heard about R being in the hospital I can't count how many stepped forward to offer help with our business. 

When I posted on Twitter about needing prayers for R, my post was shared to thousands of people! I have gotten random messages from people lately asking how he is doing. 

The doctors and nurses at the hospital were absolutely amazing!

I am grateful and blessed just to have him alive and still in my life. But the amount of blessings that we have received in the past few weeks has just blown me away. I can't control my emotions anymore. I have stopped even trying. It's worth it. I am blessed beyond words and I give all praise to God. Without Him I know nothing would be the same. 

Praise God!

 Thank you Lord! 

Medicaid came through and paid for everything. 

I can't even relay how grateful I am. I am crying tears of relief and joy right now. I was so worried about Hubby that I had not even thought about how stressed I was about the bills that were racking up. Yesterday we over 250,000 today that amount is 0. I can't believe it. Thank God! Thank you Lord! 

Navigating the New Normal

 Again!

LOL! When it rains it pours. 

We are blessed. Truly blessed. He is alive and according to the doctors a miracle. Which it totally think he is as well. 

When hubby went to the first hospital the first CT scan found a mass on his Thyroid. They decided to do a second more extensive CT scan based on that. They did not see the heart issue until the second scan. So if they had not found the mass they would not have looked further and probably sent him home with a pill where he would have died. 

He has an mechanical valve now, which means blood thinners for the rest of his life. Navigating the foods he can't have because of the Warfarin and the foods he can't have because of the salt content is a daily process. 

The Warfarin requires he get blood work done, currently daily, to determine how much blood thinner he needs. Hopefully after a few weeks his visits will be less and less. They compared it to insulin. Each person needs a different amount and also depending on the food he eats it will change as well. Crazy complicated stuff. 

On top of navigating that, he has appointments for scans for the thyroid mass. Which if they decide it should be removed there will be complications with the Warfarin. They did say that even if it is cancer that thyroid cancer is very treatable and very slow moving. But we still hope that is not the case. 

The rest of his recovery is going ok. Although slower than he would like. He is frustrated by the lack of energy that he has. That he is exhausted after walking down the steps. It's a long slow process and we will get through it. 

I am just grateful that he is here to go through it.   

He's Home!

 Just that! He's home! 

The MIL tried to tell us that he would be better riding in her sports car because it would be a smoother ride. I shut her down. How was he going to get in and out of her little car? I ignored her messages and got him home quite easily on my own. 

It's all good. He's HOME!

Ugh Stress

We thought hubby was coming home today. Surprise! Nope, not yet. 

His mother showed up again at the hospital. "My baby" Then proceeded to chatter and nag about everything. She started off by telling him that he needs to know what a miracle he is and how so many people had been praying for him. EVERY time she sees him she says the same thing. HE KNOWS! 

I got into it with her. I am sick and tired of her. She just does not know when to stop. He tries to nap and she talks and talks and talks. She tells him he should nap and then does not shut up.

She made some comment about moving so she was not looking at his parts and I lost it. The other day she refused to look away when he was getting into the bed with his ass out. He is an adult! I don't care if you have seen it before, it is rude to keep staring at a grown mans ass when he is incapacitated. She is incredibly condescending. 

She started accusing me of being competitive and I was competing with her and if something happened to my boys that I would be the same way. I am sorry but NO! I will not! 

Deep breath

One of his nurses told me that they noticed when she walked in the room his blood pressure jumped 30 points. They watched it happen every time she walks in the room. 

Just Breath

I can do this. I can get through this. 

He will come home tomorrow. She will probably be there nagging the whole way and want to follow us home to "help". 

It is his mother though and he can't tell her to stay away. So I guess I just have to suck it up. 

I can do it. I promise. I can do it.

A Long Week

 It is Sunday

No wait sorry it's Monday

I have spent every day from 8-8 at the hospital. I can't even think straight anymore. Today is the first day that I am not able to be there at 8am and it is because I have a client meeting that I can't afford to get out of. So I sent one of the boys. I don't want him alone at the hospital if at all possible. I can't imagine being there alone. It's bad enough he is there at all. 

I am mentally exhausted. 

His mother comes every day and moons over "her baby", talks constantly and critics the nurses. I can't stand it. I am sick of seeing her. I am sick of listening to her. I am sick of her. On a normal basis I can tolerate her in small doses and now I have her everyday. I am about to lose it.

The boys are wonderful. They are so sweet checking to make sure that I eat and sleep. I do forget to eat. But sleep comes pretty fast and easy. I am home by 8:30ish and in bed by 10. I can't stay awake any longer. 

My brain just does not seem to know how to work anymore. I am not sure that I will know what to do with myself when he comes home. 

Yesterday tears were at the surface all day. I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support that we have received. I almost lost it when I was working with a friend to get work covered. I did lose it when I read the letter I had typed out to tell our clients what had happened. I lost it when his wonderful nurse came in to say goodbye, she is off the next two days and we may not see her before he leaves. 

It's Monday I have to try to remember that. Memorial day. Right. Monday. OK. I can do this.

When they say...

God will not give you more than you can handle, He sure must think we can handle A LOT! 

Hubby went to the hospital this week with chest pains. I was an hour away with my mother so I got a text from him saying 

"Hows it going. Don't freak out." 

"Going well. Why don't freak out?"

"I am at (the hospital)"

"ok. Why? Are you ok?"

"I think I had some chest pains"

I asked if they were doing tests and he said yes. Mom and I head back home, really not thinking the worst. Or rather trying not to. He had gone to the hospital with pains before only to have it be anxiety. 

We pull into the parking lot of the hospital when hubby calls and says...

"You need to meet me at (another hospital 15 min away) they say I need emergency surgery" 

"What!!!! Emergency surgery?"

"Yeah, they are taking me in an ambulance. Its the thing my dad has. "

His dad has a hereditary heart defect. He had a stint put in years ago. His grandfather with  the same defect died on the operating table.

I try to ask a question and he says... "Oh, they say I am bleeding into my chest." 

He is very nonchalant through all of this, although at that point I can hear fear in his voice. 

We find out where we need to go and I start flying. I don't think my mother has heard me say as many swear words cussing people out for cutting me off or not letting me in as I try to get to the hospital during rush hour traffic before he dies. I fly to security who rushes me up to surgery while mom stays to wait for the boys. We made it up right before he goes in and I cuss him out. I tell him he promised me forever so he owes me. I think I called him an asshole. I honestly don't remember too much about that except I said f*#& and other things, with the nurses watching me. They take him prep and the doctor gives me the details. 

Aortic Root Dissection

This is one of two ways that kills people "naturally" If he had waited any longer before he drove himself to the hospital he would have died. There was a 25% chance of death during surgery, he could lose a leg, brain function, organ failure etc etc. 

Somehow I manage to get to the waiting area without losing it. The boys were not there yet. I was alone. I called the two people who I knew would get the word out. My MIL and our best friend. The boys finally arrive and I lose control. The next 6 hours friends and family arrive to a total of almost 15 people. The word is put out for prayers from everyone we can think of. My phone is blowing up constantly and I pace the aisle. The nurse calls every two hours to give me an update and as soon as she does a crowd gathers around me to listen. 

I don't know what I would have done without them. They were a massive support system on the absolute worst day of my life. I don't know how I would have survived without them. 

The nurse called about 8pm (4 hours in) to tell us he came through and they would be closing him up soon. It was another hour before she called to say they were closing him up and another hour before the doctor came out to talk to me. I am sure he was a bit surprised when everyone sat down to listen. A circle of 10 at that point all anxious to hear how he was. Fortunately our best friend and Js girlfriend both asked questions while all I cared about was when I could see him.

Surprisingly they let the family all come in. He was intubated and not awake, but he was ALIVE! 

I tried to stay with him but they would not let me. They expected me to go home and sleep. It was after midnight at that point and of course sleep was not going to happen. But I relented and went home where I laid on the couch and  attempted to sleep. Yeah No

We get to the hospital before visiting hours where I had to throw a fit to get to go up and wait to see him. I finally got the call that I could see him, he was awake. 

I don't think I have ever been more overjoyed to see my husband all covered in wires and tubes and still intubated as that moment. He reached for my hand and wrote "Do I look Cool?" with is finger. I think that will go down as one of my best memories ever. 

I am the most blessed and grateful person on the face of the Earth. The recovery time ahead is huge. But I don't care. He is Alive! I will take it all. All of the difficult times ahead are worth me being able to wake up next to him every day and tell him I love him. 

Why yes you do look cool. 

Another Mothers Day in the Books

 And why some people should not drink!

It was good. I guess too good to be true. 

We decided to invite the family to a grill out. Casual, nothing fancy. More people ended up coming than we thought and it was still fine. We had a good time. Hung out on the deck. Had a couple of drinks, nothing major. We laughed we talked. The kids had a blast playing together in what seemed to have been forever. My BIL even came with his kids (Not the wife, she wanted alone time). 

It was good. 

My BIL was the last to leave. He had gotten sillier and sillier and I really had not paid attention until everyone else was gone. He had brought two bottles of booze, one for me for mothers day and one to drink, fine. Well what we did not realize is that he had almost finished off a fifth of gin by himself. At one point we thought/assumed that he had switched to water. We were wrong. His daughter actually took his last two drinks from him, which he did not seem to notice. 

The kids had never seen their father drunk, so this was new to them. Our niece just told her younger brothers that he had to much silly juice and little kids that they are they did not think much of it. We got the kids settled down to watch a movie and BIL passed out in a chair. Sunday was a school night of course and it was getting late. So hubby and I decided that I would drive BILs car with the kids since that is where their car seats were and take them home and Hubby would follow with BIL in our car. This way if he got sick the kids would not see it. 

I left with the kids while Hubby and M got BIL into our car. He fought and screamed that I was taking his children away from him. They finally got him in the car. He cussed out his brother, my husband, tried to get out of the car while it was moving, screamed and yelled and threatened to kill my husband and also cried about how he wanted to die and what a terrible father he was. This happened the entire way to his house. He apparently called me every name in the book because I was "taking his kids from him". They arrived after I did. He brushed past me saying he would never see me again, kicked their dog and slammed into the garage to pass out.

Happy Mothers Day to me. Sigh

I am not sure what we could/should have done differently. Our SIL is the one who has not been speaking to us but even she feels bad. I messaged her this morning asking if he was okay and she said he did not even remember last night. So I made sure to tell her. 

It's just not worth it. To have a great day go to shit like that. I am not sure he could apologize enough to make me want to see him again. Hubby feels the same.  

I'm done. 

Life in general

Fortunately life moves on. 

For M, his life will never be the same. But he is getting on with it. He got together with a couple of high school friends a few weeks ago and had a chance to relax. He is enjoying his job and is making friends there. He joined a D&D group which is expected to start playing in the next couple of weeks. 

He is conscious of having to repost to the state police every 3 months and even has a reminder on his phone so he does not forget. 

He says he will never find a woman who will accept him and I hope that is not the case. I know there is a nerdy girl out there who will love and accept him for all of his flaws and mistakes. At least I hope that is true. 

He is still pretty nervous about getting out and meeting people. He is afraid of them finding out and not being accepted. 

Family is, well, difficult at best. My BIL has kind of sort of accepted M. He has told M that he should call my SIL (his wife) and apologize. Which is absolutely insane and NOT happening! So family get togethers are minimal to non existent, which honestly I am fine with. 

In good news, we found out that we will be getting a new grandson in a few months! We were pretty surprised since our oldest and his wife have not been able to get pregnant and determined it would just not happen. We are thrilled! Of course! 

Easter is this weekend. I am reminded that this is a season of rebirth and growth. God is good. Always. 

Job update

 The background check came back today and they are keeping him! Thank you Lord! 

M loves this job. He says he is doing exactly what he wants to do. 

The only bad part is he has to register in another state now since the job is across state lines. 

Jobs

 I have read about the difficulty for SOs being able to find/keep jobs. M has been fortunate in that we have a close friend who knows about Ms situation and he rehabs houses and pools. So M has been hired on to do day labor work while on probation. In a bit of coincidence his PO actually knew this friend of ours so she was totally OK with M working for him even if it was not the most regular work. 

Since M has been off paper (probation) he has been chomping at the bit to find a regular job. He applied at a few places and actually was called for a couple of interviews. One of the jobs is for cabinet making which is what he was trained for while he was at Charleston. He was hired on the spot! 

They do know about his federal conviction and they are doing a background check. Now comes the waiting. We know of SOs who have been fired upon the background check results, even after having worked for a week or so. I hope M makes enough of a good impression that they will keep him! He is not getting his hopes up yet. And he is prepared for the results to not be good. 

Prayers!