Points of joy

About 10 years ago the diamond fell out of my wedding ring while we were camping. I discovered it on the way home and was legit inconsolable, we went back to search for it. I don't have a big stone, I never wanted one, so that made it harder to find. By some miracle we found it in the sheets of our bed. When we got home Hubby had to cut the ring off of my finger which of course did not go over well. I started wearing my 5th anniversary ring as a replacement until we could afford to get it fixed. Never realizing we would go through some difficult years making it impossible.

Fast forward to yesterday when I open a music box engraved with a quote that we have signed every card and letter with, playing You are my Sunshine, which is the song we sung with the boys from the time they were babies. Que the beginning of ugly cry. The next box did me in completely. I could not get my anniversary ring off fast enough.

This year was our 30th wedding anniversary. I can't imagine spending my life we anyone else.

M called yesterday evening as well. He sounded good. They got ham and hot chocolate for dinner. They have been building plexiglass barriers (Covid) in wood shop and he said they finally finished those so now he can get back to building other things. The parole hearing in DC is January 13th, so hopefully that will go well.

 

Christmas Apart

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. The Christmas tree was decorated with memories and love. Something was missing though. Someone is missing. Like the strand of lights that are out. There is a part of us not here. 

Granted this is not for a reason that is honorable. But be that as it may, there is still a hole where he should be. 

The stockings are hung except one hangs empty. I could not bear to not put it up. 

The Christmas tree is decorated and even contains the ceramic hand that was made when he was a child. But there is a strand of lights that are out. It seems almost fitting, really.

No big family Christmas this year. The pandemic solved that awkwardness. It is what it is.  

Wishing everyone a blessed Holiday Season. No matter where or how you celebrate.

Hugs

One of the things I miss the most about M is his hugs. He was always the most affectionate child. Always ready with a huge hug and an "I love you Mom". As a baby he was the sleep one who would snuggle close and fall asleep in my arms. He would just climb into my lap for snuggles at random times.

Our oldest and youngest are not like that. LOL! 

Our oldest is a rare one to give a hug and never initiates it. He was the baby who would twist and turn and push away from you even at birth. He gives side hugs and is much more serious. He is so much like his father.

Our youngest is a bit different. He is highly empathetic and emotional. But he tries to hide it. He hates that he is so emotional. When he was little he would yell at us if his brothers got in trouble. He has never been that terribly affectionate but would tolerate a hug. 

There has been a change in our youngest this past year. J will often walk up to me and ask if I want a hug! This is so unlike him. I am wondering if M said something to him. Or if his empathy knows that Mom just needs a hug.  

He gives huge hugs like M. 

I like this change in him.

Another Holiday

 Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and surprisingly it was much like last Thanksgiving except this one small Thanksgiving was thanks to Covid. However that did not make it any easier. 

The stress of all of this is taking its toll. 

MJ called late. Somehow he got permission even though it was after lights out. He sounded down. They apparently ran out of food before his group got to eat so he pretty much had scraps. Which I guess most people might shrug and say "Well he is in prison" which is true, but it does not make it any easier. 

His parole hearing with the actual parole board is in January. Honestly though we are so tired of even having to deal with all of it. It is all just so much. 

There are moments of light and joy. I put our Christmas decorations up early this year. I needed it. This was the first year I have ever put the decorations up or played Christmas music before Thanksgiving ever. It's kind of nice. 

I am trying to find joy. It used to be there all of the time. Now it is only there in small moments. So now I actively seek it. I look for it everywhere. It is much harder to find now. But at least I am looking.

Avoidance

Yep. That is my life right now. Maybe it is just recently. 

Nope it is who I am. Although now it is more to the extreme. 

I avoid small group just because I don't feel like talking.

I avoid responding to messages. 

I avoid family. 

I avoid socializing.

So what do I do? 

I hide in my make believe worlds in online games. 

I hide behind personas in forums.

I make excuses

My mother would say I am suffering from depression. Really? No kidding. 

I have always been known for being an incredibly upbeat person. The eternal optimist. No so much anymore. I try and dig myself out of the hole that I am in and it just does not happen. Occasionally there are rays of sunlight. And in those rays of light I can see who I used to be and who I still want to be. But then I go into hiding again. The fog is soothing. In the fog I don't have to smile and be upbeat. In the fog I can hide behind the computer screen and not think about life. I know I need the light. My motto is "Seek Light Always" But lately the light at the end of the tunnel is just so far away. I need to pull myself up and give myself a kick in the rear and start trudging towards the light. But this is not one of those days. This is a rainy gloomy, hide under the covers kind of day.

Maybe tomorrow 

Justice is Served?

 MJs parole hearing did not go as we would have liked. Nor did it go in the favor of 4 other SOs in his pod. He had not even sat back down to wait for the verdict before they called him back in to decline. Same with the other 4. 

However they did grant parole to someone who had been in for less than a year and had committed murder. 

Justice? 

Parole Hearing

 MJ has a parole hearing today. This is the first step to him coming home potentially this spring. Which means it is all becoming real what we will be faced with living with him being on the registry. The impact on our lives is becoming more and more real. 

I have spent the last few months trying to remove myself from it all. At least for a little while. To try to live a semi normal life with Hubby working nights and trying to work through a pandemic and being alone most of the time. It is all mentally draining and thinking about the impact of when MJ comes home is just more than I can/could bear. 

A couple of weeks ago MJ asked me to contact the local police and try to get a letter confirming that he could legally live here. My bubble of mental wellness has been officially broken. It is all real again. The talks with family discussing it all have begun again. Because family who told us they were supportive suddenly are not. The stress of making sure our business is not connected in anyway with our home address. The new worry that the neighborhood will be notified that an SO is living here. 

This comment on a forum struck me.

"Sorry you’re going through this but also thank you for not kicking out your kid and disowning him. I’ve seen that happen to many times to younger people." 

It truly made me sad. No matter how difficult this all is, I could not imagine disowning him or not allowing him to live here. Yes this is going to be incredibly hard. Especially if the whole neighborhood finds out. But we will get through this. We will get through this together. Yes family and friends may decide they do not want to be a part of our lives anymore. That will be hard. But not supporting our son would be even harder. 

He did something incredibly stupid. But if God can still love him and forgive him then who I am to judge him? It is not my place to judge. I do not have the authority to judge a person for mistakes and sins. The charge I have been given is to love and forgive. 

And that is what I intend to do. 

Friendships

 I had an interesting conversation with M last night. (He calls every couple of weeks now) We were talking about his parole hearing in October when we were interrupted by someone talking to him and him laughing and telling them he was talking to his mom, with the next comment being "You are loved here".

What an odd thing to hear about other inmates and also just to hear him laugh. He told me there is more camaraderie in prison then being in the actual military. He said "Believe it or not I have made friends here." 

The combination of him telling me I am loved by other inmates and that he has friends there is a bit sad. I think. I am really not sure how I feel about it. He obviously feels close enough to these other men to tell them of his home life and to create bonds with them. Granted these bonds are created because of close quarters and a commonality of being in prison for similar actions. 

I am grateful that he does not seem to have changed as far as him being always upbeat. He has always been the one child who never had any problem making friends. However while he was in the military he did seem to have a hard time. He had a few close friends that he made after he was under investigation but he never mentioned being close to anyone else. I am not sure why that was. I always hear of the military being a brotherhood but somehow my son who never had any problem at all making friends out of the military had a difficult time with it while in. 

Knowing how my son is such a social creature it somehow makes me wonder if that is why he looked at what he did. (I know I can make all kinds of excuses for him and there really is no excuse. But I have always been the type of person to try to figure out what makes people do what they do and why they are the way they are. ) I know that when I get bored I tend to get curious about random things. M has always been closest like me. Knowing him the way I do I has been trying to figure out why. Maybe I will never know. I honestly don't think he even knows why he did it. 

Boredom will drive us to do things and try things we would not have normally. 

Attempting to live

It has been a year since we found out what M was being investigated for. 8 months since he was incarcerated. 4 months since the Covid hell took a massive bite out of our business. 

To be honest the past couple of years have just been Hell. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been bright spots. But overall it is just shit. But lets discuss the bright spots as a reminder to myself lest I become ungrateful.

We have somehow been able to pay all of the bills.  Yes Hubby is working nights at Hell and somehow I was able to get unemployment but I can't rule out Gods hand in that.

M is still staying upbeat and enjoys working in the wood shop. He has always been the upbeat child, much like myself. So it is hard to keep him down for long.

R and his wife are getting along and making the marriage work. Considering he thought they would be divorced by now this is a good thing. 

J has a couple of groups of friends that are helping him through this. As much as he does not open up his friends help.

I can see God in our lives and I do try my best to be grateful. Right now it is harder than ever. This pandemic is causing an incredible amount of stress in our lives. (Yes I know we are not alone in that) Compounded with the stress of a child in prison and Hubby working nights...well...the tears comes in waves. We can go days without a thought and then it all slams home fresh again. 

I know I know we will get through all of this. But life will never be the same. When M comes home the stress begins again because of the restrictions of the list. 

For now we are just trying to survive. I guess that is really all that we can do. 

Survive

Survival

Sigh. It is still going!!!! Will it never end? Sigh.

Work is in chaos. 

The unknown is painful.

I guess there will be good to come from all of this. Hard to believe. Somehow we have gotten the bills paid. That is mostly because Hubby is working at Hell. 

M seems to be doing well, at least. HE is sheltered from all of this Hell. Who knew being in prison would be better than being out in real life. 

I know that is not true but it sure feels like it. His biggest complaint this week was that they played the Lord of The Rings movie and shut it off half way through because they only play movies for 90 minutes. 

Yes we will pull through this. I think. But it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is so incredibly long and twisted. 

Reminders

I was browsing through posts of an old blog I used to write. I was actually looking for a different post that was coming to mind, but my eyes fell here. I know this to be true, because even in the worst of times, even when we think that God is not there, how could he possibly be, he makes Himself known. Maybe not in the big ways that we would like, but in small ways, like being able to pay the bills. Like work coming in when so many others do not have any. Like staying healthy in times of a pandemic. In small reminders like old writings coming to mind. He is here. Always.

"Today Psalm 121 found me. I say found me, because I was not looking for anything in particular, I was browsing when my eyes stopped. I don't take that for granted. Obviously I was meant to stop. 

Sometimes we need a reminder that He is watching over us.  Sometimes we need a reminder that He is here. Miracles do actually still happen. It is just that our faith is lacking to see them. 

He is here"

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

2 

My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 

He will not let your foot slip—

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 

indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 

The Lord watches over you—

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6 

the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

7 

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

8 

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.

Eh

So normally this is a fun week. Or at least a decent one. And this should have been a GREAT week. Instead Mother's Day, our 30th wedding anniversary and my birthday have all gone by with the blink of an eye. Sigh

Yes I am whining. I am complaining. I am sad. 

I know I really have nothing to be upset about. God has watched over us and somehow as usual has made good out of the bad. We are surviving. We are paying our bills. 

But I think sometimes we are allowed to feel a bit sorry for ourselves. For the loss of our normal lives. For the losses of others, like high school seniors who are missing their senior year. For the weddings that are being postponed and heaven forbid cancelled. For the hugs and hand holding that cannot happen right now. 

And right now I am feeling sorry for myself. 

My 30th wedding anniversary. That's a big one. We spent it home with chinese take out and champagne and Netflix. 

Mother's Day the kids all called, even M. I got a hug from the youngest. And called my mom. 

My birthday...well that is today. I am up early as usual. I do not expect much other than a phone call and  my Facebook blowing up with well wishes. 

I should be grateful for all that I have. 

But instead I am sad for what I am missing. I am crying over nothing. 

Social Distancing sucks

Avoidance

6 1/2 months so far.
April 2022 is his expected release date with good behavior.
It seems like forever.
I have started avoiding everything to do his offense. I stopped going to the support groups. I stopped reading articles. I just can't anymore.
I can't read about people who are going through the trials of the list anymore. The people who come onto the groups to harass and berate them for trying to live some semblance of a normal life.  The parents like us who can't believe what their child has done. I just can't.
I know so much now and I know it is just the tip of the iceberg. We have avoided telling M what is in store for him when he comes home. He is so naive. I love that about him. And he does not need to know how his life will change.
He thinks he will live with us for a short time before getting an apartment.
He thinks getting a job will be easy.
He asked about going to comic cons. I did not have the heart to tell him it was no longer his choice.
He does not know that he will not be able to go to his children's schools when he has them or that they may even try to keep him from the hospital when they are born.
He does not know that the list will make him a pariah and that society will not accept him as a good person. That he will forever be labeled as a terrible human being.
So far prison does not seem to have changed him too much, but I fear that the list will.
I have avoided telling him what he is in for.
I have to step back and leave that all for when he comes home.
I know I won't be able to avoid it completely, it's our life now, but I can't go to the groups daily anymore.
It is going to be a long 2 years.

Socially Distant

Funny how the media is calling this the "New Normal". This is mostly our normal normal.
I read on social media about parents complaining about their kids being home and how they can't handle being around their spouses 24/7, people buying puppies because they have time for them now and it makes me sad.
Why did you get married if you can't stand to spend time with your spouse?
Why did you have kids if you can't handle being a parent?
If you did not have time for a puppy prior to the virus what makes you think you will have the time in a month when you go back to work?
All of this makes me realize that I am a bit different from normal people. I am a pro at social distancing. I like being home and shopping online. I don't mind only going to the grocery when I need to. I like meeting with my potential clients via Skype vs in person.
I like being around my husband. I like spending time with him even when we are just sitting on our laptops not talking, just being.
We have a dog because we work from home all but one or two days a week. Not because we have time now, but because we always have time.
I like seeing our grandson once a week and when our kids were young we worked from home, so we were with them all the time. To the point that they still enjoy being around us.
People complain about all of the things that we have enjoyed for the past 30 years. They don't get that this is how it should be!
You should love being around your spouse all of the time.
You should love being around your kids all of the time.
You should have pets when you have time to devote to them all of the time.
I know we are mostly social creatures but I think the priorities of this world have changed from being family insular to being socially outward.
Maybe this will remind people of what is really important.
Our families

Cathartic

So I told someone. Someone not family.
I am still terrified that she will tell someone. But I want to start trusting again. I need to be able to trust someone other than Hubby.
I have never had close friends other than hubby. I have always had trust issues and I am also pretty much an introvert. It has always been difficult for me to get close to anyone.
We have always been incredibly close and codependent on each other. That is how we have been able to run a business together for 30 years. And it is enough. It has always been enough. It will always be enough.
I see women who have multiple close friends and there is a bit of envy. But there is also a sense of relief that I do not have to deal with so many peoples issues! I know I am not like most women. I don't understand them.
A and I are not alike at all. She is loud and outgoing and I am not! When we first met I was annoyed at how outgoing and friendly and talkative she was. We are alike in ways that I think are important though. She loves and trusts and respects her husband. She cares for her grandkids as I do. Her family is important to her. I hate talking on the phone but we can talk for over an hour and I am not frustrated by it.
And some reason I feel like she is one of my closest friends. I feel like I can tell her anything and she won't judge me. I feel like I can trust her. I hope and pray that I am right.

Social Distancing

The news reporters have been using my term..."The New Normal". Social distancing is the new normal for the rest of the population. I feel like we have been in  social distancing mode for awhile now. Trying to stay just far enough away from friends and family so that they don't ask questions.
Personally I am fine with this "new normal", it keeps me from having to make excuses.
I have been forcing myself to interact with people. To do things I would not normally do. Yesterday I did creative video of our churches worship so that it could be shown via the internet for service. We have not been to church in such a long time because hubby has been working. Normally I don't like doing video, but I enjoyed the challenge. And it got me out of the house and involved in prayer with the band.
I think as much as I would deny it, I need some social interaction. My problem is that I only want to do it on my own terms. Most people are probably like that. I doubt I am any different. Except that I have to force myself to do it. I really did not want to go film at church yesterday, but I enjoyed it while I was there.
M is upbeat as usual. I don't know how he does it. Actually I take that back, he is me in a different body and it is normally hard to keep me down. He got a job in the woodshop. It was what he was wanting to do. He was pretty much a shoe in. He has always enjoyed working with his hands so this is really kind of perfect. He will be learning cabinetry and furniture building. I only hope it translates to a decent job when he comes home.
The letters for his clemency hearing have been sent. I almost wish we had not asked his grandparents to write letters. My FIL is such a...well...I really don't know how to describe him. He made a statement in his letter that he would "need to be watchful of M's behavior and influence." and that if "necessary, confront him is issues arise"
DOES HE NOT KNOW HIS GRANDSON????
I just want to scream! I hope M does not even use it. I am so upset with how cold the letter comes across. This is the same man when we sat and waited for them to take M away sat in silence and when M asked him if he had anything to say, hoping for support, said "I have said all I needed to say"
Hubby has not seen the letter. I photographed it before sending it yesterday, because they were late and we needed to get them to M in time. I am not sure I want him to see it. Our relationship with my FIL has been strained for a few years now due to various issues and I don't see this as a way to repair it.
Maybe I am wrong. Lets hope I am wrong.

Happy Birthday

It was M's 24th birthday yesterday.
We sent him birthday messages. It was pizza and movie day so he was upbeat. What a way to spend a birthday.

We are working on letters for his clemency hearing. Since I am sending them all together everyone is sending them to me. As I read them I can feel the hope and the sadness. It makes my heart break every time that it has come to this.

Trying to find faith

So much has happened the last year. Although it has been a rough 5 or 6 years that this one just seems like a nail on the coffin. Sometimes we feel like Job. But you could say "But you have your health and no one has died" ...well yeah...sure. We have our health. Sigh. Here is our history of the last few years in a cliffs notes version:
Robbed 3x
Tornado tore through our house.
Oldest son dropped out of college, moved home, went on a destructive drug abuse binge, got a girl pregnant, moved out, got married, moved back with child and new wife, moved out again.
Middle son, dropped out of college, moved home, joined Air Force, ruined everything now in jail.
Youngest son, graduated high school, never went to college, still living at home, dead end job, stoner, no drivers license.
Business failing due to economy and hiring someone who destroyed clients trust in us.
Husband had to take terrible job to pay for middles sons lawyer bills and general bills from business failing.
But we have our health.

In all of this I have been trying to find God.
Being robbed forced us to upgrade the gear we need for our business.
The tornado meant we got all new windows and carpet which we desperately needed.
Oldest son gave us a wonderful grandson.
Middle son...well he is in Bible study while in jail.
Youngest son...we are still working on that.
Oh and we have our health.

They say God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes so mysterious there is no way to figure them out. I know that I have not been praying as much as I should. We have not gone to church in forever because hubby has to sleep until 1 or 2 because he works until 5am. We have our small group every week but honestly if we did not host it at our house I would not go. It just feels like so much. Too much.

But I know in my heart of hearts that He is still there. I don't think He is testing us. I do think the other IS testing us. Trying to get us to deny God. But as bad as things are and have been I can't deny God. I can't deny my Father. I don't call him enough but He will not stop loving me regardless. It is up to me to call on Him.

So yes, we have our health, but we also have our Faith. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed right now. All is not lost even though sometimes it feels like it is.

Rough Times

Stress is kicking our asses. 

When hubby is home we argue. We nit pick. It sucks. Being on different schedules sucks. But the extra money from working nights helps pay the bills. 

It sucks.

M calls and sounds so upbeat. He has hope for when he comes home. He is still so naive. And I love him for it. 

But hubby and I...we are not used to not being around each other a lot. Well not just a lot. Always. We have always worked from home together. We developed a bit of codependency. Maybe that is not a good thing but for us it works. Apart we argue and fight. 

My new mantra is "This too shall pass" I only pray it is sooner than later.

Sigh

This is not the normal me. I feel like I am languishing. I can't seem to get much done right now. I don't feel like myself. I think the mental stress is getting to me.
At least M seems to be doing well. He calls and talks about board games and jobs and the large library. And he sounds like his normal upbeat self.
I am grateful for that.
I however am drowning in stress. The combination of him being in prison and the stress of the business and hubby working nights and not seeing him, is just breaking me down. I am always on the verge of tears.
I went to church alone Sunday. Granted it was to do pro bono work for them but I enjoyed worship for the first time in a long time. I felt like I needed to be there. But that upbeat feeling has turned into tears tonight as I sit here trying to get myself to do work stuff again. And I just can't bring myself to be creative. To even think about the business.
It is obvious to me that I am suffering from combination of depression and aging but that does not help.

He Called!

Yesterday we were all wondering how he is getting along and then last night he called and we got to talk for half an hour! We got to hear how things are at the brig.
His first comment was it is like a "daycare". The food is surprisingly good. He said they had pizza on the weekend and hamburgers the night before. You are required to attend each meal, unlike county where you could just sleep through them. But you get enough food so that you are not hungry throughout the day. With him being a picky eater we were a bit concerned about what he would actually eat. He is currently in medium security in the welcome area until they determine that he is safe and can be placed in minimum and a "permanent" cell. They have movies on the weekends and he has the "freedom" to go to his appointments without being shackled and can just walk there. They have more free time and there are books in the common area so if he needs something to read he is set. There is a library as well as classes and jobs, which he will be able to take part in once he is placed.
They are much more strict about mail and phone calls. All addresses have to be preapproved as well as all books we send him. I have to send him a list of books so that he can get them approved. Once I figure out how to send him money via money order he can actually purchase a tablet and receive email. He said he is really "lucky" in that this is the first and only brig to allow tablets and email. He also said that with good behavior he could potentially purchase a PSP.
He is planning for when he can come home. I worry about that. I can only hope he can stay as upbeat once he is living on the list as he is right now being in prison. Because the list is it's own prison.

More waiting

M has been at Charleston for over 10 days now. The waiting for a phone call or letter is almost unbearable. The not knowing how he is doing, what his life is like there, if he is ok, is heart wrenching.
We are trying to get back to some semblance of real life. Although it is made more difficult because hubby is still working nights to help with the bills. We have socialized a little bit in the last couple of weeks. The question of how is M doing in the Air Force was of course asked. And we acted like all was well. It is harder meeting with friends since they do not know. One friend of mine is persistent in asking what is going on since she knows things are not great and she guessed accurately that something is going on with M, she is retired military. Funny not funny, she was actually a prison guard for a few years. I think I will tell her at least some of it. I trust her.
Trust is key, of course. Knowing who to trust is much more difficult.
We have not been to church in months. It is hard when hubby has been working overtime on Saturdays and sleeps until 2 on Sunday. I miss church. Tuesdays small group helps but it can only do so much when there are usually 6 kids running chaos through the house while we try to talk.
There are times when I feel Him more. And now does not seem to be one of them. Maybe it is the winter blahs getting to me along with everything else.
The new normal sucks.

And there he is

We got a voicemail yesterday morning that M had arrived at the Brig.
There are mixed emotions going on. I am glad he is where is "supposed" to be, but sad that he is where he is "supposed" to be.
Everything makes me cry lately. I think the combination of the added stress of hubby working nights and M being where he is is taking a toll on my emotions. I am in borderline tears all the time. I just can't get them in check. I want my old self back. The person who was always upbeat and optimistic.
I miss that person.

Transfer

M is being transferred to the Brig today. It is a 10 hour drive South if you are driving straight through. Somehow I doubt the government prison system will drive him South all nice and casual. I suspect it will take a few days.
I wish I knew.
He called us almost every day this past week. So we had plenty of time to talk to him. He had gotten into a "phone monopoly". He says he will explain about it another time. It gave us time to talk but I am sorry for those who did not get a chance to talk to their families because of it, if that were the case. I doubt he will be able to call anytime soon.
Hope and prayers right now. Praying for safe travels for M.

Naval Consolidated Brig - Charleston

That is where he will be moving to next week.
Well at least he is staying on the East coast.
Hopefully he will be able to settle in and earn some days off his time with a job and therapy and hopefully a new skill.
Now comes the research in finding out how to get him money for phone calls and the commissary. It does not seem  as cut and dried as the state prison.
This really sucks. I found a forum for families of those incarcerated. Hopefully I can get more information there.
I am not sure what I am looking for right now. What am I supposed to be feeling? I feel like I have this constant cloud over my head. Even when good thing happen, I feel like it is just not enough. How much good is enough to make the cloud dissipate?

And then they will know

Christmas and the mother in law who does not know how to lie or tell a story, even the one she created. Suspicions are created and questions are asked. The brother in law and sister in law who we were afraid would judge are not. Thank you God they are being supportive. The Aunt on the other hand is not sure. That side of the family, the high and mighty side, will be harder to crack. Especially since a cousin just started a job with Exploited and Missing Children.
Honestly if that side of the family falls away I am ok with that. They have always judged us.
M is not thrilled with everyone knowing, of course. But we are trying to minimize the damage. We just want him to come home to a support system, a family. People who love and care for him and realize that he was a stupid curious kid. I know he is 23 but still my kid. Those who can not support him I consider collateral damage.
I am tired of hiding it. I am tired of talking about it. So it is a bit of a relief that they know. My stress level dropped a bit.
I still believe he was being curious and that was why he used his real email address. He really is/was clueless. He really was not thinking he was doing anything wrong. Being naive like me is not a good thing sometimes.
He is feeling anxious because they have still not moved him. I get it. He wants to be somewhere where he can actually DO something. Right now he is in limbo, no job, no therapy, just books, while he waits. Waiting sucks.
I told him that people now know and he is not thrilled. He is afraid of being judged.
Aren't we all

2020

Happy New Year?
Honestly, it really can't get much worse than last year. I say that while knocking on wood or whatever because of course saying that dictates that this coming year will suck even more.
Hope
It is such a small word.
4 letters that define what my thoughts are attempting to achieve.
Peace
Another small word.
5 letters that define what I have been unsuccessful in achieving.
Two words that pretty much define what my New years resolution should be.
Most people think of the resolution as something to break within a few days of making it. Something that is said while drinking and partying.
For me though my resolution is to seek both. Peace to get through this hell and hope for the potential future.
M seems to have both in spades. I can't even imagine. He calls every couple of days, which we really did not expect, but it is a way of staying somewhat connected. Every time I see his name on my caller ID my heart skips a beat. He told me yesterday that for Thanksgiving and Christmas they were confined to their cells after the guards came through and tore them apart. What a great way to spend a holiday. Being searched and humiliated. Yes I know he is in prison and prison is not meant to be fun. But humanity is obviously lacking in our prison systems.
He is planning for a future. He calls asking about trade programs and what we think would be a good one for him to learn. He likes working with his hands. He is looking forward to moving to the military prison. How can you look forward to something like that???!!! He has hope, though, that it will be better than where he is at. Right now he is not working towards a goal, just biding time.
Hope, M has hope for the future. Not the future he thought he would have, but a future. He has always been an upbeat person.
He has peace with what he has done. Regret, yes. But he has made peace and accepted his fate.
Sometimes I think he actually has the easier end of this. He "gets" to spend his time reading and does not have to stress about having to explain everything to friends and family. Or not explain things and keep others from spilling the proverbial beans. Like the 4 year old who likes to talk, announcing that M is in jail. How long can we keep him from telling people when they mention M's name? Or the MIL who does not want to lie, but can't seem to keep her mouth shut when nosey family ask questions about where he is.
Hope and Peace
Peace and Hope
It is only two words