Gratefulness

It really is amazing. I have always considered myself as a grateful person. I am convinced that all of the blessings bestowed on my/our lives are genuine gifts from God. That is a fact. 

But the moments of just sheer gratitude lately have me on the verge of tears at a continuous basis. I will brake down in tears at moments notice. I look across the room and see R in his chair or hear the continuous tic tic of his artificial heart valve and I can't help it. 

The blessings are continuous lately and I really am beside myself with joy. 

We own a commercial property that we ran our business out of for about 15 years, covid put an end to that and we have been trying to sell it. It needs some pretty obvious work done to it now and the listing had expired last year. Last week someone randomly contacted me through an odd source and they made us a cash offer to close on it this week! 

When friends heard about R being in the hospital I can't count how many stepped forward to offer help with our business. 

When I posted on Twitter about needing prayers for R, my post was shared to thousands of people! I have gotten random messages from people lately asking how he is doing. 

The doctors and nurses at the hospital were absolutely amazing!

I am grateful and blessed just to have him alive and still in my life. But the amount of blessings that we have received in the past few weeks has just blown me away. I can't control my emotions anymore. I have stopped even trying. It's worth it. I am blessed beyond words and I give all praise to God. Without Him I know nothing would be the same. 

When they say...

God will not give you more than you can handle, He sure must think we can handle A LOT! 

Hubby went to the hospital this week with chest pains. I was an hour away with my mother so I got a text from him saying 

"Hows it going. Don't freak out." 

"Going well. Why don't freak out?"

"I am at (the hospital)"

"ok. Why? Are you ok?"

"I think I had some chest pains"

I asked if they were doing tests and he said yes. Mom and I head back home, really not thinking the worst. Or rather trying not to. He had gone to the hospital with pains before only to have it be anxiety. 

We pull into the parking lot of the hospital when hubby calls and says...

"You need to meet me at (another hospital 15 min away) they say I need emergency surgery" 

"What!!!! Emergency surgery?"

"Yeah, they are taking me in an ambulance. Its the thing my dad has. "

His dad has a hereditary heart defect. He had a stint put in years ago. His grandfather with  the same defect died on the operating table.

I try to ask a question and he says... "Oh, they say I am bleeding into my chest." 

He is very nonchalant through all of this, although at that point I can hear fear in his voice. 

We find out where we need to go and I start flying. I don't think my mother has heard me say as many swear words cussing people out for cutting me off or not letting me in as I try to get to the hospital during rush hour traffic before he dies. I fly to security who rushes me up to surgery while mom stays to wait for the boys. We made it up right before he goes in and I cuss him out. I tell him he promised me forever so he owes me. I think I called him an asshole. I honestly don't remember too much about that except I said f*#& and other things, with the nurses watching me. They take him prep and the doctor gives me the details. 

Aortic Root Dissection

This is one of two ways that kills people "naturally" If he had waited any longer before he drove himself to the hospital he would have died. There was a 25% chance of death during surgery, he could lose a leg, brain function, organ failure etc etc. 

Somehow I manage to get to the waiting area without losing it. The boys were not there yet. I was alone. I called the two people who I knew would get the word out. My MIL and our best friend. The boys finally arrive and I lose control. The next 6 hours friends and family arrive to a total of almost 15 people. The word is put out for prayers from everyone we can think of. My phone is blowing up constantly and I pace the aisle. The nurse calls every two hours to give me an update and as soon as she does a crowd gathers around me to listen. 

I don't know what I would have done without them. They were a massive support system on the absolute worst day of my life. I don't know how I would have survived without them. 

The nurse called about 8pm (4 hours in) to tell us he came through and they would be closing him up soon. It was another hour before she called to say they were closing him up and another hour before the doctor came out to talk to me. I am sure he was a bit surprised when everyone sat down to listen. A circle of 10 at that point all anxious to hear how he was. Fortunately our best friend and Js girlfriend both asked questions while all I cared about was when I could see him.

Surprisingly they let the family all come in. He was intubated and not awake, but he was ALIVE! 

I tried to stay with him but they would not let me. They expected me to go home and sleep. It was after midnight at that point and of course sleep was not going to happen. But I relented and went home where I laid on the couch and  attempted to sleep. Yeah No

We get to the hospital before visiting hours where I had to throw a fit to get to go up and wait to see him. I finally got the call that I could see him, he was awake. 

I don't think I have ever been more overjoyed to see my husband all covered in wires and tubes and still intubated as that moment. He reached for my hand and wrote "Do I look Cool?" with is finger. I think that will go down as one of my best memories ever. 

I am the most blessed and grateful person on the face of the Earth. The recovery time ahead is huge. But I don't care. He is Alive! I will take it all. All of the difficult times ahead are worth me being able to wake up next to him every day and tell him I love him. 

Why yes you do look cool. 

Life in general

Fortunately life moves on. 

For M, his life will never be the same. But he is getting on with it. He got together with a couple of high school friends a few weeks ago and had a chance to relax. He is enjoying his job and is making friends there. He joined a D&D group which is expected to start playing in the next couple of weeks. 

He is conscious of having to repost to the state police every 3 months and even has a reminder on his phone so he does not forget. 

He says he will never find a woman who will accept him and I hope that is not the case. I know there is a nerdy girl out there who will love and accept him for all of his flaws and mistakes. At least I hope that is true. 

He is still pretty nervous about getting out and meeting people. He is afraid of them finding out and not being accepted. 

Family is, well, difficult at best. My BIL has kind of sort of accepted M. He has told M that he should call my SIL (his wife) and apologize. Which is absolutely insane and NOT happening! So family get togethers are minimal to non existent, which honestly I am fine with. 

In good news, we found out that we will be getting a new grandson in a few months! We were pretty surprised since our oldest and his wife have not been able to get pregnant and determined it would just not happen. We are thrilled! Of course! 

Easter is this weekend. I am reminded that this is a season of rebirth and growth. God is good. Always. 

Job update

 The background check came back today and they are keeping him! Thank you Lord! 

M loves this job. He says he is doing exactly what he wants to do. 

The only bad part is he has to register in another state now since the job is across state lines. 

The first Christmas in 3 years

What a wonderful Christmas! To me it was almost perfect. 

M called his uncle and they talked, well his uncle talked and M listened. He said 3 times how he would kill M if he had or does touch his daughter. I get that. But an uncle does not need to tell his nephew that he would kill him. M explained that it never had, he never would and he had no interest in his niece or any other child. And never had. 

Our BIL (Uncle) explained that his wife would need time and convincing. Which is exactly why we did not want them told in the first place. But that he loved and supported M and would be there for him if M ever needed it. The shocker came while we were at the family Christmas Eve gathering and our BIL shook Ms hand and gave him a hug. None of us were expecting that and M almost lost it. 

Christmas Eve was nice to see the family, if not a bit awkward especially for M. He was really nervous since this was the first time he had seen anyone in over 3 years. Overall it was pretty nice though.

Due to the weather and illness I got the Christmas I had dreamed of for years. Our immediate family was all together for the entire day. We did not have to run to the grandparents house. We got to have a relaxing casual Christmas at home. And I got to have it with all of my boys! It was perfect! One of our nephews joined us with his wife and 1 year old, we made homemade pizza and had a few drinks. We played a board game and enjoyed spending time together. 

I think it was my favorite Christmas ever.

I hope everyone that reads this has a wonderful Holiday and a blessed New Year. 

Thank you for listening to me do my thing to get through these trying times. It will not always be wonderful. There are tough times ahead I am sure. But being able to put it all down here is helpful to me and hopefully it can help others who might be going through similar issues or even help someone understand a bit more what families go through.