And Life Moves On

 

Christmas is almost here again. I have not been posting as much lately. We have been busy living life and attempting to avoid drama. Not that that is completely possible, of course, in this family, but we do try! 

Good things are happening though! 

J, our youngest is buying a house and moving out after Christmas! He found a house he loves, a cute starter home perfect for a single person and future couple. He is staying close, which is nice. He and his girlfriend are not moving in together yet. She is waiting until she is done with her first year of college. We will see him plenty since he does not have a washer and dryer yet and of course, I cook!

And the big one.... M, is proposing on Christmas morning!!!!!!!!! B has been living with us since Spring and they have known for awhile that they were meant to be together. M had a ring custom made and since we will all be here Christmas morning that is when he is asking her He has even gotten permission from her parents. They are looking forward to expanding into J's bedroom but are also hoping to find a house next year. We are not rushing that since it will be harder for them to find a home because of M's restrictions. 

R and A are doing well. They are still living with her mother for now. But A graduates nursing school in May and they will be moving into a new home after that. 

In other news, or not so new news, my BIL and SIL are still insane and refusing to speak to my inlaws unless it is to name call and be nasty. The constant discussions about it still happen at every get together with Hubbys parents. I get it, they are upset that they dont get to see thier grandkids but I am just tired of the constant talk of who did or said what. I am done with it. 

Anyway, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Blessings abound!

Drama be damned

 It turns out Christmas will actually be enjoyable this year! Through no fault of our own. 

M called his uncle who did not answer. Convenient. He left a message answering his questions and offering to answer any more if he calls back. Which of course he has not done. I really don't expect him to. 

I guess BIL had told Hubby that if he does not get a chance to talk to M that he would just confront him at Christmas. Yeah that's not gonna happen! 

We had pretty much decided we would just stay home except for Christmas at the in laws when mt MIL called and said they are postponing Christmas until New Years day because the weather, illness etc. 

So guess what? I get Christmas at home with our boys and the grandson! 

It is pretty sad that I am so excited about this turn of events. But I just can't help it. I am happy.

Decorating

 It has been over 6 years since M has been home to decorate for Christmas. 3 inside and 3 in the military. Yesterday he got to help decorate the tree. 

I had my moments. When I hung the ornaments from my Daddys tree for the first time and when I hung the ornament that my biological father gave me, both now gone. 

But it was good. 

It will not always be easy but for now my heart is full. 

2021

 Today is the last day of 2021. Tomorrow begins 2022 and less than 60 days until M comes home. 

He was declined parole again, although we were not surprised and honestly it would have reduced his time by maybe a month. 

The parole officer is supposed to contact us next week. That brings up a whole host of questions and concerns. We are pretty well known in our area so the chances are the PO will know who we are is pretty good. I guess we can only keep it quite so long. 

Wondering about how this will impact our lives is the biggest thing right now. 

Are they going to make surprise visits and expect to search our house? 

Are we going to have to lock everything up? Alcohol, guns, computers? 

I am supposed to get him an ID. How am I supposed to do that? 

Sigh

We will get through this. And he will be home. That is all that really matters. We are leaving the Christmas decorations up since he has missed a few. Although we may change our minds as we look at a Christmas tree for the next 2 months. I am excited to see him. It will work out.

Points of joy

About 10 years ago the diamond fell out of my wedding ring while we were camping. I discovered it on the way home and was legit inconsolable, we went back to search for it. I don't have a big stone, I never wanted one, so that made it harder to find. By some miracle we found it in the sheets of our bed. When we got home Hubby had to cut the ring off of my finger which of course did not go over well. I started wearing my 5th anniversary ring as a replacement until we could afford to get it fixed. Never realizing we would go through some difficult years making it impossible.

Fast forward to yesterday when I open a music box engraved with a quote that we have signed every card and letter with, playing You are my Sunshine, which is the song we sung with the boys from the time they were babies. Que the beginning of ugly cry. The next box did me in completely. I could not get my anniversary ring off fast enough.

This year was our 30th wedding anniversary. I can't imagine spending my life we anyone else.

M called yesterday evening as well. He sounded good. They got ham and hot chocolate for dinner. They have been building plexiglass barriers (Covid) in wood shop and he said they finally finished those so now he can get back to building other things. The parole hearing in DC is January 13th, so hopefully that will go well.

 

Christmas Apart

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. The Christmas tree was decorated with memories and love. Something was missing though. Someone is missing. Like the strand of lights that are out. There is a part of us not here. 

Granted this is not for a reason that is honorable. But be that as it may, there is still a hole where he should be. 

The stockings are hung except one hangs empty. I could not bear to not put it up. 

The Christmas tree is decorated and even contains the ceramic hand that was made when he was a child. But there is a strand of lights that are out. It seems almost fitting, really.

No big family Christmas this year. The pandemic solved that awkwardness. It is what it is.  

Wishing everyone a blessed Holiday Season. No matter where or how you celebrate.

Doctor Who

Hubby has taken a job working nights.
Our youngest is with friends.
Our oldest is with his family.
Our middles is on jail.
And I am sitting home alone.
I am working with Doctor Who as my background noise. It is the episode where Rory is taken back in time by the Weeping Angels and the love of his life decides to go with him leaving everything else behind.
I always cry a little.
But as I look up to watch the last scene the tears become sobs. Because like Amy and Rory life will never be the same.
It has actually been a while since I have cried. But for some reason sitting here alone triggered the reality that life really sucks right now.
I spent Christmas day at the in-laws house with the entire family, worrying about who was going to spill the beans. The 4 year old who knows his uncle is in jail? Or the mother in law who can't stand keeping a secret. Or would it be the nephew who despises us for random reasons and somehow seems to know?
The one bright spot in all of this hell is the grandson. He comes in cheery and with a ready hug and chatters incessantly. He will snuggle with his Mimi and offer me snacks. 4 year olds are oblivious to it all.
My lack of time with my husband and knowing that my son is in jail though, takes over my emotional state. Today is a bad day. I am barely holding back the tears.
Life really really sucks right now.

It doesn't feel like Christmas

Not one bit.
Yes we have a tree up and I have made some Christmas cookies and a few, very few presents have been purchased.
But it feels like we are just going through the motions. There is no joy or excitement. Nothing to look forward to.
The past two years have revolved around M and just getting through it all. It did not help that in that time we were hit by 90 mile an hour straight line winds and had to rebuild our house, our business has been suffering because of stress, we have decimated our savings to help M and a multitude of other stress' to make our lives hell.
We can relate to the Book of Job. It feels like the devil has been given free reign in our lives.
We try to find little moments of joy, but they are few and far in between. It is about surviving now. Trying to keep our heads about the waves that keep growing as if there is a hurricane surrounding us. We have always said we are blessed. Blessed to have our health and a roof over our heads. God always seemed to provide when our business slowed down in the winter. We have always had just enough work to pay the bills.
But that is not the case anymore. Hubby has had to pick up a job for the first time in 30 years of being in business. How do people get by on just $15 an hour? We are going to be selling our office space and working from home to save on expenses. And we are looking into every form of advertising possible, not that we have the money to pay for it. Our credit has been destroyed and the credit cards are maxed. It is not just M who has been punished by what he did.
Maybe I am more depressed because I have been sick for 3 weeks now and I am just sick of being sick. Or maybe it is all just hitting home that nothing will ever be the same again.

The Christmas Tree

Attempting to put a Christmas tree away after being sick for two days sucks. And why did I think it would be a great idea to organize the ornaments too? Geez I am a gluten for punishment.
I love our Christmas tree. I love the ornaments. The old ones from Grandma's tree and Mamaw and Papaws tree, the ones the kids have made, the beautiful delicate eclectic ornaments we have picked up, but I HATE taking them all down. I don't even mind putting them all up. Because it is fun finding ones that you forget about for a year. But putting it away is not only depressing but so time-consuming. Oh well time to get back to it.

A New Begining

And so it begins. It's the day after Christmas. Our Airman is getting ready to leave for his base after his surprise Christmas visit. The grandbaby is napping and our world will soon be back to "normal". 
This Christmas was such a blessing. Sitting at church looking down the row and seeing all of our family together. As new military parents, I knew the chances of him being home were slim to none. And so many parents did not get to spend their Holiday with their child.
I am truly blessed and grateful. But saying "see you soon" is never easy. 

I am not really sure what my intention is with this blog. I think it is more just a way for me to speak out loud what I am thinking and feeling. Of course, hubby is a great sounding board and he gets most of my thoughts. But sometimes it helps for me to be able to write them down as well. So while this may not be a blog that gets any attention at all except for my random postings it will serve its purpose.