PTSD

 I remember the nurses at the hospital telling us that hubby might have some form of PTSD from almost dying. And the shock of everything, plus the effects of not being able to do as he used to right away. His primary care doctor said the same thing when we saw her last week. 

Of course they are right. He does have things that make him pause and fears now that were not there before. He made bread the other day and the smell of the dough caught him off guard. Since that was what he was doing when his aneurism burst. 

I guess I did not connect though, that I have PTSD as well. When he talks about how frustrating it is for him that he is not back to normal or how ticked off at how often he has to go to the doctors now, I get pissed off. I snapped the other day when he was complaining about how he is sick of doctors. Sometimes I get sick of his complaining. He is alive! I don't care how many doctors he has to see. He is alive. It's worth it. 

We were working together last weekend and a friend who had not seen or talked to hubby since the hospital was there and was thrilled to get to see and talk to hubby. Hubby relayed to me something the friend had said that struck me. 

P said that the first thing he thought of when he heard about hubby was me. He knows the kind of relationship hubby and I have and while he was worried for hubby he also worried about how I was. 

Honestly it was the first time in 10 weeks that anyone had said that they thought about me and what I was going through. Our two best friends were there at the hospital for me, so yes I had support, but this was different. All thoughts and prayers, as they should be, have been for hubby and him living and healing. I guess I just felt like it was the first time someone saw me. 

Selfish I know. 

I am not sure he will ever know what I went through that day. Just like I will never really know how he was feeling spending a week in the hospital. 

I think we are both going through PTSD. 

Selfishness

 I hate that about myself. I hate that I was upset, not upset upset, that R was not feeling well enough for us to go to a friends 4th of July party. 

He has been doing great! But one of his meds ended and the withdrawals from it is making him sick. 

I mean I wasn't really upset, but I was. I feel terrible that I was disappointed. I shouldn't feel like that. I should and do feel grateful that he is still here. I mean I cry with gratitude when we make love! 

But

Yeah there it is. But

I feel lonely. And tired.

The last 6 weeks have been stressful and long. And I want to go spend time with friends. I want to go out. I want to go back to before. 

He told me I should go without him. That is silly. They are our friends and going to drink and play in a pool without him is just not going to happen. 

I am just tired. And lonely. 

I will get through this. It's not about me. I am so incredibly grateful. I can't be selfish

Strange but Good

 It is odd having two sons home. Fortunately there have not been any wrestling matches like the last time M came home to visit. Our youngest was in between jobs for a couple of weeks so the two brothers spent quite a bit of time together. There were many days of trips to the comic book store for games. There were quite a few game nights before they both started new jobs. 

M is working construction for a friend. He enjoys working with his hands and it is a friend of ours who knows his story and still stands by him. 

His risk assessment came back before Easter. He is at the lowest possibility to ever reoffend. The doctor also says he is the most honest person he is ever met. M suffers from a bit of depression which is to be expected and PTSD as well. He has anxiety attacks when there are police nearby. Again no surprise. 

Fortunately with the results we were finally able to see our grandson at the house for Easter. It was wonderful to see the whole family together again. C was excited to see his uncle but more excited to be at Mimi and Pop Pops house again. 

Avoidance

Yep. That is my life right now. Maybe it is just recently. 

Nope it is who I am. Although now it is more to the extreme. 

I avoid small group just because I don't feel like talking.

I avoid responding to messages. 

I avoid family. 

I avoid socializing.

So what do I do? 

I hide in my make believe worlds in online games. 

I hide behind personas in forums.

I make excuses

My mother would say I am suffering from depression. Really? No kidding. 

I have always been known for being an incredibly upbeat person. The eternal optimist. No so much anymore. I try and dig myself out of the hole that I am in and it just does not happen. Occasionally there are rays of sunlight. And in those rays of light I can see who I used to be and who I still want to be. But then I go into hiding again. The fog is soothing. In the fog I don't have to smile and be upbeat. In the fog I can hide behind the computer screen and not think about life. I know I need the light. My motto is "Seek Light Always" But lately the light at the end of the tunnel is just so far away. I need to pull myself up and give myself a kick in the rear and start trudging towards the light. But this is not one of those days. This is a rainy gloomy, hide under the covers kind of day.

Maybe tomorrow 

Attempting to live

It has been a year since we found out what M was being investigated for. 8 months since he was incarcerated. 4 months since the Covid hell took a massive bite out of our business. 

To be honest the past couple of years have just been Hell. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been bright spots. But overall it is just shit. But lets discuss the bright spots as a reminder to myself lest I become ungrateful.

We have somehow been able to pay all of the bills.  Yes Hubby is working nights at Hell and somehow I was able to get unemployment but I can't rule out Gods hand in that.

M is still staying upbeat and enjoys working in the wood shop. He has always been the upbeat child, much like myself. So it is hard to keep him down for long.

R and his wife are getting along and making the marriage work. Considering he thought they would be divorced by now this is a good thing. 

J has a couple of groups of friends that are helping him through this. As much as he does not open up his friends help.

I can see God in our lives and I do try my best to be grateful. Right now it is harder than ever. This pandemic is causing an incredible amount of stress in our lives. (Yes I know we are not alone in that) Compounded with the stress of a child in prison and Hubby working nights...well...the tears comes in waves. We can go days without a thought and then it all slams home fresh again. 

I know I know we will get through all of this. But life will never be the same. When M comes home the stress begins again because of the restrictions of the list. 

For now we are just trying to survive. I guess that is really all that we can do. 

Survive

Eh

So normally this is a fun week. Or at least a decent one. And this should have been a GREAT week. Instead Mother's Day, our 30th wedding anniversary and my birthday have all gone by with the blink of an eye. Sigh

Yes I am whining. I am complaining. I am sad. 

I know I really have nothing to be upset about. God has watched over us and somehow as usual has made good out of the bad. We are surviving. We are paying our bills. 

But I think sometimes we are allowed to feel a bit sorry for ourselves. For the loss of our normal lives. For the losses of others, like high school seniors who are missing their senior year. For the weddings that are being postponed and heaven forbid cancelled. For the hugs and hand holding that cannot happen right now. 

And right now I am feeling sorry for myself. 

My 30th wedding anniversary. That's a big one. We spent it home with chinese take out and champagne and Netflix. 

Mother's Day the kids all called, even M. I got a hug from the youngest. And called my mom. 

My birthday...well that is today. I am up early as usual. I do not expect much other than a phone call and  my Facebook blowing up with well wishes. 

I should be grateful for all that I have. 

But instead I am sad for what I am missing. I am crying over nothing. 

Social Distancing sucks

Avoidance

6 1/2 months so far.
April 2022 is his expected release date with good behavior.
It seems like forever.
I have started avoiding everything to do his offense. I stopped going to the support groups. I stopped reading articles. I just can't anymore.
I can't read about people who are going through the trials of the list anymore. The people who come onto the groups to harass and berate them for trying to live some semblance of a normal life.  The parents like us who can't believe what their child has done. I just can't.
I know so much now and I know it is just the tip of the iceberg. We have avoided telling M what is in store for him when he comes home. He is so naive. I love that about him. And he does not need to know how his life will change.
He thinks he will live with us for a short time before getting an apartment.
He thinks getting a job will be easy.
He asked about going to comic cons. I did not have the heart to tell him it was no longer his choice.
He does not know that he will not be able to go to his children's schools when he has them or that they may even try to keep him from the hospital when they are born.
He does not know that the list will make him a pariah and that society will not accept him as a good person. That he will forever be labeled as a terrible human being.
So far prison does not seem to have changed him too much, but I fear that the list will.
I have avoided telling him what he is in for.
I have to step back and leave that all for when he comes home.
I know I won't be able to avoid it completely, it's our life now, but I can't go to the groups daily anymore.
It is going to be a long 2 years.

Sigh

This is not the normal me. I feel like I am languishing. I can't seem to get much done right now. I don't feel like myself. I think the mental stress is getting to me.
At least M seems to be doing well. He calls and talks about board games and jobs and the large library. And he sounds like his normal upbeat self.
I am grateful for that.
I however am drowning in stress. The combination of him being in prison and the stress of the business and hubby working nights and not seeing him, is just breaking me down. I am always on the verge of tears.
I went to church alone Sunday. Granted it was to do pro bono work for them but I enjoyed worship for the first time in a long time. I felt like I needed to be there. But that upbeat feeling has turned into tears tonight as I sit here trying to get myself to do work stuff again. And I just can't bring myself to be creative. To even think about the business.
It is obvious to me that I am suffering from combination of depression and aging but that does not help.