Yep. That is my life right now. Maybe it is just recently.
Nope it is who I am. Although now it is more to the extreme.
I avoid small group just because I don't feel like talking.
I avoid responding to messages.
I avoid family.
I avoid socializing.
So what do I do?
I hide in my make believe worlds in online games.
I hide behind personas in forums.
I make excuses
My mother would say I am suffering from depression. Really? No kidding.
I have always been known for being an incredibly upbeat person. The eternal optimist. No so much anymore. I try and dig myself out of the hole that I am in and it just does not happen. Occasionally there are rays of sunlight. And in those rays of light I can see who I used to be and who I still want to be. But then I go into hiding again. The fog is soothing. In the fog I don't have to smile and be upbeat. In the fog I can hide behind the computer screen and not think about life. I know I need the light. My motto is "Seek Light Always" But lately the light at the end of the tunnel is just so far away. I need to pull myself up and give myself a kick in the rear and start trudging towards the light. But this is not one of those days. This is a rainy gloomy, hide under the covers kind of day.
Maybe tomorrow
I know there have been times when I felt like I wanted to disappear, that I should disappear, even that I was disappearing, shrinking, becoming insignificant. Also times when I was just numb, in a fog, not able to feel anything, not pleasure, not pain, not fear. I still cycle through those times, but not as deeply as before. I think those kind of feelings are just part of grief, it's not wrong to feel them, it's part of the process. So try not to add self-blame or guilt about your feelings to the unpleasantness that they bring anyway. Feel your feelings, don't fight them, if that's possible. Even numbness. Even denial, which really gets a bad name, has its purpose--it is a "shock absorber" to keep our brain from having to face the full weight of a situation all at once and just breaking down totally.
ReplyDeleteI hope that helps.
I know it is all natural. It is all just something I am not used to. I am used to getting over stuff pretty quickly but this still feels like I am being stabbed sometimes. I talked to my sister for the first time about it and could not stop crying. It has been a year now. I am having a hard time dealing with my inability to deal. LOL Crazy I know.
DeleteNot crazy at all, I've given myself so much grief about why I'm so affected by this, why I'm not able to "move on," even recently comparing myself to my close friend whose mother died just weeks ago and seems to be back to her normal sunny self (even though I'm sure she still has her moments in private...). It's been 2 years ago since this week that I really learned the depth of how bad things might be for us. I can say the anniversary wasn't nearly as upsetting this year as last, so that's progress, so is being able to get through a work day and still have energy when I get home...but the constant undercurrent of sadness is still there, and stabs of fear and more profound loss still come, and I feel very emotionally out of touch with the rest of the world.
ReplyDelete