Under attack

 Back in July our youngest was moved to pray during church. God spoke to him that day. And J had an experience that I hope for myself. He spoke in tongues! Amazing!

He found himself led to get more involved and he has since done so. He reached out and he is now involved with the young adults ministry and with his girlfriend they take care of the 2 year old's during services. 

We are so proud of him! 

A couple of weeks later he was driving to work and was stopped at a light. A semi truck barreled into him, pushing his car into the one in front of him. He was knocked out briefly and both cars were totaled. He survived! Actually he walked away! He did go to the emergency room and they found he had a concussion but other than some minor cuts from broken glass he is fine. 

                                                            He was hit by a semi truck! 

And he walked away!

He told us later he was listening to the Bible, Exodus to be exact. 

He is still dealing with the insurance companies. The trucker is not an English speaker and was also uninsured. So of course everything is complicated. His insurance company does not offer a rental so he borrowed my SUV and has been driving that until he can get a new car once the insurance is cleared up.

Monday we get a call from J. He was in another car accident. Someone ran a red light. J was crossing the intersection, saw the car coming and slammed on his brakes but could not stop in time. 

Again he is ok! The other car is totaled and my SUV is old so the insurance will probably total it as well, but it is drivable. 

What is going on? Neither accident was his fault and both could have killed him. He is under attack and God is keeping him safe. 

God has a hand and a plan for J. Satan is trying to get rid of him and God is keeping him alive. It is the only answer! 

Pray for him. Pray for our son, because I think he needs it! 

Faith and Assholes

 The asshole being our oldest son. Sigh

I love him, don't get me wrong. But he can and is a real asshole. 

Our Faith is very important to us and it was to him when he was young, before his life went in a direction where he is not happy due to decisions he has made and drugs that has done. Now he has decided that there is no God and anyone who believes in Him is an idiot and deserves his mockery and derision. 

Honestly it is painful. We raised our sons to be strong in Faith. There has been so many times when prayers were answered and miracles happened that we would be blind to not believe. 

Hubby and I have both given him over to God. Somehow we were praying for the same thing in church one morning. And we know that nothing we can do will turn him around. Only God can do that. I am not sure how He will do it, but we know He will. Until then we will continue to pray and continue to look for the day when he is called by God to follow Him again. 

It will happen. God always prevails.

Love is a Verb

 The theme at church the last few weeks have been about servanthood and the GOATs of our church. This past Sunday was a bit different and it hit home for me "Love is a Verb" I love this! 

Rob says I have childlike faith. I guess this is because most normal people question or doubt God at some point in their lives and I have never done that. I have just always believed and always trusted in Him. 

I am a full proponent of the commandments Love God and Love your Neighbor. Not to say that I have never judged people, because I am human after all. But I do believe that EVERYONE deserves/needs Gods love. And that it is not my place to place judgement on others, how they live, how they do things etc. 

Matthew 7:1–5

    "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye."

It is not our place to judge others but to Love others unconditionally. So why do we still feel the need to judge others? Do we think that we are like God? We are a lost people. When we ate the apple at the beginning of known time we opened ourselves up to sin. We are stubborn and we were given free will. It is what we choose to do with that free will that causes so much pain and strife in our lives. We tell people how we think they should be instead of showing them love. We judge them and put them down instead of showing them love. This needs to stop. As Christians we should be showing others how to live in Gods grace by showing them unconditional love. Again it is not our place to judge them, only to love them. 

Romans 5:8

            “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”

Instead of judging others, God tells us to LOVE others. It is the greatest thing that we can do. Show them love! Serve others. By serving others we are loving them. Show our neighbors love in all ways. People do not want to hear how you love them , although that is nice sometimes, they need you to show them how you love them.

1 Cor 8-13

            “Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love”

We can try to live sinless lives. But personally I do not think that is possible. I do believe that as Christlike as we try to be, as long as we believe that Christ died for us, that all will be forgiven. He promised us we were forgiven. We live in a sin filled world, we are not and can not be perfect, only He is. But what we can do is to love. Love others.

Love is a Verb

Gratefulness

It really is amazing. I have always considered myself as a grateful person. I am convinced that all of the blessings bestowed on my/our lives are genuine gifts from God. That is a fact. 

But the moments of just sheer gratitude lately have me on the verge of tears at a continuous basis. I will brake down in tears at moments notice. I look across the room and see R in his chair or hear the continuous tic tic of his artificial heart valve and I can't help it. 

The blessings are continuous lately and I really am beside myself with joy. 

We own a commercial property that we ran our business out of for about 15 years, covid put an end to that and we have been trying to sell it. It needs some pretty obvious work done to it now and the listing had expired last year. Last week someone randomly contacted me through an odd source and they made us a cash offer to close on it this week! 

When friends heard about R being in the hospital I can't count how many stepped forward to offer help with our business. 

When I posted on Twitter about needing prayers for R, my post was shared to thousands of people! I have gotten random messages from people lately asking how he is doing. 

The doctors and nurses at the hospital were absolutely amazing!

I am grateful and blessed just to have him alive and still in my life. But the amount of blessings that we have received in the past few weeks has just blown me away. I can't control my emotions anymore. I have stopped even trying. It's worth it. I am blessed beyond words and I give all praise to God. Without Him I know nothing would be the same. 

Praise God!

 Thank you Lord! 

Medicaid came through and paid for everything. 

I can't even relay how grateful I am. I am crying tears of relief and joy right now. I was so worried about Hubby that I had not even thought about how stressed I was about the bills that were racking up. Yesterday we over 250,000 today that amount is 0. I can't believe it. Thank God! Thank you Lord! 

When they say...

God will not give you more than you can handle, He sure must think we can handle A LOT! 

Hubby went to the hospital this week with chest pains. I was an hour away with my mother so I got a text from him saying 

"Hows it going. Don't freak out." 

"Going well. Why don't freak out?"

"I am at (the hospital)"

"ok. Why? Are you ok?"

"I think I had some chest pains"

I asked if they were doing tests and he said yes. Mom and I head back home, really not thinking the worst. Or rather trying not to. He had gone to the hospital with pains before only to have it be anxiety. 

We pull into the parking lot of the hospital when hubby calls and says...

"You need to meet me at (another hospital 15 min away) they say I need emergency surgery" 

"What!!!! Emergency surgery?"

"Yeah, they are taking me in an ambulance. Its the thing my dad has. "

His dad has a hereditary heart defect. He had a stint put in years ago. His grandfather with  the same defect died on the operating table.

I try to ask a question and he says... "Oh, they say I am bleeding into my chest." 

He is very nonchalant through all of this, although at that point I can hear fear in his voice. 

We find out where we need to go and I start flying. I don't think my mother has heard me say as many swear words cussing people out for cutting me off or not letting me in as I try to get to the hospital during rush hour traffic before he dies. I fly to security who rushes me up to surgery while mom stays to wait for the boys. We made it up right before he goes in and I cuss him out. I tell him he promised me forever so he owes me. I think I called him an asshole. I honestly don't remember too much about that except I said f*#& and other things, with the nurses watching me. They take him prep and the doctor gives me the details. 

Aortic Root Dissection

This is one of two ways that kills people "naturally" If he had waited any longer before he drove himself to the hospital he would have died. There was a 25% chance of death during surgery, he could lose a leg, brain function, organ failure etc etc. 

Somehow I manage to get to the waiting area without losing it. The boys were not there yet. I was alone. I called the two people who I knew would get the word out. My MIL and our best friend. The boys finally arrive and I lose control. The next 6 hours friends and family arrive to a total of almost 15 people. The word is put out for prayers from everyone we can think of. My phone is blowing up constantly and I pace the aisle. The nurse calls every two hours to give me an update and as soon as she does a crowd gathers around me to listen. 

I don't know what I would have done without them. They were a massive support system on the absolute worst day of my life. I don't know how I would have survived without them. 

The nurse called about 8pm (4 hours in) to tell us he came through and they would be closing him up soon. It was another hour before she called to say they were closing him up and another hour before the doctor came out to talk to me. I am sure he was a bit surprised when everyone sat down to listen. A circle of 10 at that point all anxious to hear how he was. Fortunately our best friend and Js girlfriend both asked questions while all I cared about was when I could see him.

Surprisingly they let the family all come in. He was intubated and not awake, but he was ALIVE! 

I tried to stay with him but they would not let me. They expected me to go home and sleep. It was after midnight at that point and of course sleep was not going to happen. But I relented and went home where I laid on the couch and  attempted to sleep. Yeah No

We get to the hospital before visiting hours where I had to throw a fit to get to go up and wait to see him. I finally got the call that I could see him, he was awake. 

I don't think I have ever been more overjoyed to see my husband all covered in wires and tubes and still intubated as that moment. He reached for my hand and wrote "Do I look Cool?" with is finger. I think that will go down as one of my best memories ever. 

I am the most blessed and grateful person on the face of the Earth. The recovery time ahead is huge. But I don't care. He is Alive! I will take it all. All of the difficult times ahead are worth me being able to wake up next to him every day and tell him I love him. 

Why yes you do look cool. 

Parole Hearing

 MJ has a parole hearing today. This is the first step to him coming home potentially this spring. Which means it is all becoming real what we will be faced with living with him being on the registry. The impact on our lives is becoming more and more real. 

I have spent the last few months trying to remove myself from it all. At least for a little while. To try to live a semi normal life with Hubby working nights and trying to work through a pandemic and being alone most of the time. It is all mentally draining and thinking about the impact of when MJ comes home is just more than I can/could bear. 

A couple of weeks ago MJ asked me to contact the local police and try to get a letter confirming that he could legally live here. My bubble of mental wellness has been officially broken. It is all real again. The talks with family discussing it all have begun again. Because family who told us they were supportive suddenly are not. The stress of making sure our business is not connected in anyway with our home address. The new worry that the neighborhood will be notified that an SO is living here. 

This comment on a forum struck me.

"Sorry you’re going through this but also thank you for not kicking out your kid and disowning him. I’ve seen that happen to many times to younger people." 

It truly made me sad. No matter how difficult this all is, I could not imagine disowning him or not allowing him to live here. Yes this is going to be incredibly hard. Especially if the whole neighborhood finds out. But we will get through this. We will get through this together. Yes family and friends may decide they do not want to be a part of our lives anymore. That will be hard. But not supporting our son would be even harder. 

He did something incredibly stupid. But if God can still love him and forgive him then who I am to judge him? It is not my place to judge. I do not have the authority to judge a person for mistakes and sins. The charge I have been given is to love and forgive. 

And that is what I intend to do. 

Attempting to live

It has been a year since we found out what M was being investigated for. 8 months since he was incarcerated. 4 months since the Covid hell took a massive bite out of our business. 

To be honest the past couple of years have just been Hell. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been bright spots. But overall it is just shit. But lets discuss the bright spots as a reminder to myself lest I become ungrateful.

We have somehow been able to pay all of the bills.  Yes Hubby is working nights at Hell and somehow I was able to get unemployment but I can't rule out Gods hand in that.

M is still staying upbeat and enjoys working in the wood shop. He has always been the upbeat child, much like myself. So it is hard to keep him down for long.

R and his wife are getting along and making the marriage work. Considering he thought they would be divorced by now this is a good thing. 

J has a couple of groups of friends that are helping him through this. As much as he does not open up his friends help.

I can see God in our lives and I do try my best to be grateful. Right now it is harder than ever. This pandemic is causing an incredible amount of stress in our lives. (Yes I know we are not alone in that) Compounded with the stress of a child in prison and Hubby working nights...well...the tears comes in waves. We can go days without a thought and then it all slams home fresh again. 

I know I know we will get through all of this. But life will never be the same. When M comes home the stress begins again because of the restrictions of the list. 

For now we are just trying to survive. I guess that is really all that we can do. 

Survive

Reminders

I was browsing through posts of an old blog I used to write. I was actually looking for a different post that was coming to mind, but my eyes fell here. I know this to be true, because even in the worst of times, even when we think that God is not there, how could he possibly be, he makes Himself known. Maybe not in the big ways that we would like, but in small ways, like being able to pay the bills. Like work coming in when so many others do not have any. Like staying healthy in times of a pandemic. In small reminders like old writings coming to mind. He is here. Always.

"Today Psalm 121 found me. I say found me, because I was not looking for anything in particular, I was browsing when my eyes stopped. I don't take that for granted. Obviously I was meant to stop. 

Sometimes we need a reminder that He is watching over us.  Sometimes we need a reminder that He is here. Miracles do actually still happen. It is just that our faith is lacking to see them. 

He is here"

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

2 

My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 

He will not let your foot slip—

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 

indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 

The Lord watches over you—

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6 

the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

7 

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

8 

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.

Trying to find faith

So much has happened the last year. Although it has been a rough 5 or 6 years that this one just seems like a nail on the coffin. Sometimes we feel like Job. But you could say "But you have your health and no one has died" ...well yeah...sure. We have our health. Sigh. Here is our history of the last few years in a cliffs notes version:
Robbed 3x
Tornado tore through our house.
Oldest son dropped out of college, moved home, went on a destructive drug abuse binge, got a girl pregnant, moved out, got married, moved back with child and new wife, moved out again.
Middle son, dropped out of college, moved home, joined Air Force, ruined everything now in jail.
Youngest son, graduated high school, never went to college, still living at home, dead end job, stoner, no drivers license.
Business failing due to economy and hiring someone who destroyed clients trust in us.
Husband had to take terrible job to pay for middles sons lawyer bills and general bills from business failing.
But we have our health.

In all of this I have been trying to find God.
Being robbed forced us to upgrade the gear we need for our business.
The tornado meant we got all new windows and carpet which we desperately needed.
Oldest son gave us a wonderful grandson.
Middle son...well he is in Bible study while in jail.
Youngest son...we are still working on that.
Oh and we have our health.

They say God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes so mysterious there is no way to figure them out. I know that I have not been praying as much as I should. We have not gone to church in forever because hubby has to sleep until 1 or 2 because he works until 5am. We have our small group every week but honestly if we did not host it at our house I would not go. It just feels like so much. Too much.

But I know in my heart of hearts that He is still there. I don't think He is testing us. I do think the other IS testing us. Trying to get us to deny God. But as bad as things are and have been I can't deny God. I can't deny my Father. I don't call him enough but He will not stop loving me regardless. It is up to me to call on Him.

So yes, we have our health, but we also have our Faith. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed right now. All is not lost even though sometimes it feels like it is.

Even If

I had to drive a lot today. 7 hours by the time I got home. So I streamed Christian music. I was doing fine, singing along and relaxed until this song by MercyMe came on. I bawled my eyes out and when I heard it again on the way home, I bawled again. Music, good music reaches into your soul and grabs a hold, and this one would not let go.

Even If

MercyMe

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
'Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Bart Millard / Ben Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group, Music Services, Inc, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Group

God speaking?

There is something that I have started to feel pretty strongly about. This is a recent feeling and one that today I am feeling stronger than ever. I know where it is coming from but I have not figured out how to actually act on it.
Since we discovered what M was being investigated for I joined a few groups for support for families and actual offenders. What is coming to light to me is the harassment and anger that is directed to those who are on the List. The mean and nasty comments on posts is distressing to me. Comments wishing SOs go to hell and that God does not love them and they should be castrated. The comments and general feeling of society is disheartening.
I do admit that before I knew M would be on the registry we knew about it and worried about all of the molesters and rapists who were on it and if they would live close to us and our children. Little did I know what the List really was. A way to ostracize a group of people who had served their time and were just trying to get back to living a normal life. SO's are looked upon as lepers to society, evil doers who should not be allowed to actually live.
What has really surprised me is those who profess to be Christians kicking SO's out of church. Christians who villainize and attack people on the list all in the name of God.
How is this of God?
It is not. That is what I am coming to realize. This is NOT of God.
One of the 10 commandments is to love your neighbor. One of the most used words in the New Testament is Love. There are more instances of the word Love than the word Sin. God commands us to love one another. Jesus spent more time with sinners than saints. And who among us is a saint?
Jesus was also a big proponent of forgiveness. Who needs to be forgiven? Sinners. Forgiveness is granted to those who profess their sins and ask for forgiveness and sin no more. The percentage of SO's who are on the list that actually reoffend is 5-15% according to most studies.
Sex offenders should be treated as any other sinner who is trying to sin no more. Not as a leper to society who should never be seen or heard. Who should be tortured and tormented just for living. This is where I feel God speaking to me. There are many organizations that are trying to get rid of the registry. (I have them listed on my side bar) But so far I have not found a faith based group or organization that is willing to show love and support and no judgement. I am not sure what this means for me. But it is something I am feeling in my heart that there needs to be. People who are on the list deserve to be loved and cared for just as much as those who were victimized.
People make mistakes.
People deserve forgiveness.
Those who are without sin cast the first stone.

A New Normal

I managed to sleep last night. A full night even. I have not had a full nights sleep in, I don't know how long. The worry is still there and the tears are still ever present on an almost daily basis but we are starting to settle into our new normal. Not that it is normal at all.
I am feeling a bit accomplished that I am getting caught up on work. I have neglected work for research and just plain emotions. It is a bit like losing a family member to death. You mourn for a time, deny and then just get angry before you finally settle into a bit of constant sadness and depression peppered with small moments of happiness.
J, our youngest son, is still taking this really really hard. I get it, his big brother, who he looked up to, did something terrible and is not in prison for it. That is hard to get your mind around. I think it would be worse if he were younger, but at 19 he is mature enough to take the full brunt of his emotions and anger. He has my emotions, which means he is almost always on the verge of tears or wanting to punch something. He does have a punching bag so hopefully he will pick that up again to release his anger.
R, our oldest son, has his wife and son to help him through this. He is resilient and realizes that there is nothing he can do right now so he is trying to go back to normal life. Having an almost 4 year old keeps you busy so he does not have much time to mourn anyway.
Hubby did manage to get M's internet turned off yesterday. Companies do not make it easy to cancel stuff. We have each spend hours on the phone with the insurance company and electric and gas companies. The insurance company still has not canceled, even with a power of attorney. And the power company we can't seem to get on the phone!
I wrote M a letter the other day. Trying to encourage and support him as much as possible.
It is hard not chatting with him every day. Our family chat group has not had a message in two weeks. I see things online that I know he would love or find funny and I want to share them, but it seems silly since he won't see them for almost 3 years. I did write him a message for him to see when he comes home, hopefully.
I am trying to get closer with God again. It is hard when you feel betrayed and angry. But I made the first step and am trying to worship through music. I don't always feel He is there for me right now, even though in my heart I know He is. I need Him to be there.
Writing here is also helping me cope. I can get down in words my thoughts and maybe another mom who is beginning this journey will find this and it will help her through. This is not a journey anyone should have to take alone.

24 hours

24 hours
That is the goal.
To get through 24 hours without crying.
It has been 4 days and I have yet to achieve that. The problem is, every time I think about him or see a picture the waterworks start. I just can't stop them.
Doing research on the prison...tears fall
I look up and see his picture in his ABUs and Security Forces hat...tears fall
We talk about how we can't believe he would do this...tears fall.
It is all still so raw. So much pain I can't even comprehend. But then her I am. Pain. Tears. Disbelief.
How do parents and families get through this. I had to tell my mother today. She said "I can't believe it. It's "M"!
That is the thing. He was the "good" one. The one even his older brother looked up to. How could HE do this? How?

Hubby and I are having a hard time with this. We take it out on each other. We are both in pain. We are both always on the verge of tears. After 29 years of marriage and raising 3 sons in what we thought was "The way that they should go" we are sniping and snapping at each other. It should NOT be this way. No family should have to go through this.
We want to support him. We will always love him. But maybe this is in God's plan. As much as we don't want think that. Maybe he needs the therapy that he will get in prison to get his head back on straight.
I don't want that to be the case because it is easier to blame God than it is to blame my son.
Dear God, Father, please help this family come to terms with the mistake that his son made. Help us to see that this is in your plan. ( That is really really hard)

Anger

Yesterday was spent trying to turn off a few last minute items, gas, electric etc. We spent all day on the phones and did not get a single thing turned off. Sigh
His credit is already ruined because of breaking his lease and abandoning his car so what's a few more? I'm done. I can't spend another day on the phone trying to save his credit. He has a few credit cards and student loans that will probably have to go into default to. There is only so much money in his bank account and we can't afford to pay for them.
He will have a lot to answer for when he gets home.
I am beyond the denial stage of all of this and at anger stage I think. Angry at him for doing something so stupid. Angry at God for not seeming to be there.
How could he do this? How could anyone do this?
The boy who never lied to us, lied to us for a year about this. I just can't get my mind around all of this. This is not how we raised him!
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
And where is God? Where are You? Is this what You wanted to happen? 3 years in prison and a life thrown away? I just can't see how this is Your plan. Or how You are making good of something evil. I just can't see it. I just can't see the good in all of this.