A New Normal

I managed to sleep last night. A full night even. I have not had a full nights sleep in, I don't know how long. The worry is still there and the tears are still ever present on an almost daily basis but we are starting to settle into our new normal. Not that it is normal at all.
I am feeling a bit accomplished that I am getting caught up on work. I have neglected work for research and just plain emotions. It is a bit like losing a family member to death. You mourn for a time, deny and then just get angry before you finally settle into a bit of constant sadness and depression peppered with small moments of happiness.
J, our youngest son, is still taking this really really hard. I get it, his big brother, who he looked up to, did something terrible and is not in prison for it. That is hard to get your mind around. I think it would be worse if he were younger, but at 19 he is mature enough to take the full brunt of his emotions and anger. He has my emotions, which means he is almost always on the verge of tears or wanting to punch something. He does have a punching bag so hopefully he will pick that up again to release his anger.
R, our oldest son, has his wife and son to help him through this. He is resilient and realizes that there is nothing he can do right now so he is trying to go back to normal life. Having an almost 4 year old keeps you busy so he does not have much time to mourn anyway.
Hubby did manage to get M's internet turned off yesterday. Companies do not make it easy to cancel stuff. We have each spend hours on the phone with the insurance company and electric and gas companies. The insurance company still has not canceled, even with a power of attorney. And the power company we can't seem to get on the phone!
I wrote M a letter the other day. Trying to encourage and support him as much as possible.
It is hard not chatting with him every day. Our family chat group has not had a message in two weeks. I see things online that I know he would love or find funny and I want to share them, but it seems silly since he won't see them for almost 3 years. I did write him a message for him to see when he comes home, hopefully.
I am trying to get closer with God again. It is hard when you feel betrayed and angry. But I made the first step and am trying to worship through music. I don't always feel He is there for me right now, even though in my heart I know He is. I need Him to be there.
Writing here is also helping me cope. I can get down in words my thoughts and maybe another mom who is beginning this journey will find this and it will help her through. This is not a journey anyone should have to take alone.