Our Burden

We didn't tell the because it was not thier burden. It was our burden, our shame. It didn't involve them. They never cared enough about us to ask how we were doing. No "How are you holding up?" Nothing caring about us, only, "Why didn't you tell us?" 

It's not always about you! 

We are the ones going through this hell. Not you. Us. 

Trying to find faith

So much has happened the last year. Although it has been a rough 5 or 6 years that this one just seems like a nail on the coffin. Sometimes we feel like Job. But you could say "But you have your health and no one has died" ...well yeah...sure. We have our health. Sigh. Here is our history of the last few years in a cliffs notes version:
Robbed 3x
Tornado tore through our house.
Oldest son dropped out of college, moved home, went on a destructive drug abuse binge, got a girl pregnant, moved out, got married, moved back with child and new wife, moved out again.
Middle son, dropped out of college, moved home, joined Air Force, ruined everything now in jail.
Youngest son, graduated high school, never went to college, still living at home, dead end job, stoner, no drivers license.
Business failing due to economy and hiring someone who destroyed clients trust in us.
Husband had to take terrible job to pay for middles sons lawyer bills and general bills from business failing.
But we have our health.

In all of this I have been trying to find God.
Being robbed forced us to upgrade the gear we need for our business.
The tornado meant we got all new windows and carpet which we desperately needed.
Oldest son gave us a wonderful grandson.
Middle son...well he is in Bible study while in jail.
Youngest son...we are still working on that.
Oh and we have our health.

They say God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes so mysterious there is no way to figure them out. I know that I have not been praying as much as I should. We have not gone to church in forever because hubby has to sleep until 1 or 2 because he works until 5am. We have our small group every week but honestly if we did not host it at our house I would not go. It just feels like so much. Too much.

But I know in my heart of hearts that He is still there. I don't think He is testing us. I do think the other IS testing us. Trying to get us to deny God. But as bad as things are and have been I can't deny God. I can't deny my Father. I don't call him enough but He will not stop loving me regardless. It is up to me to call on Him.

So yes, we have our health, but we also have our Faith. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed right now. All is not lost even though sometimes it feels like it is.

Doctor Who

Hubby has taken a job working nights.
Our youngest is with friends.
Our oldest is with his family.
Our middles is on jail.
And I am sitting home alone.
I am working with Doctor Who as my background noise. It is the episode where Rory is taken back in time by the Weeping Angels and the love of his life decides to go with him leaving everything else behind.
I always cry a little.
But as I look up to watch the last scene the tears become sobs. Because like Amy and Rory life will never be the same.
It has actually been a while since I have cried. But for some reason sitting here alone triggered the reality that life really sucks right now.
I spent Christmas day at the in-laws house with the entire family, worrying about who was going to spill the beans. The 4 year old who knows his uncle is in jail? Or the mother in law who can't stand keeping a secret. Or would it be the nephew who despises us for random reasons and somehow seems to know?
The one bright spot in all of this hell is the grandson. He comes in cheery and with a ready hug and chatters incessantly. He will snuggle with his Mimi and offer me snacks. 4 year olds are oblivious to it all.
My lack of time with my husband and knowing that my son is in jail though, takes over my emotional state. Today is a bad day. I am barely holding back the tears.
Life really really sucks right now.

Even If

I had to drive a lot today. 7 hours by the time I got home. So I streamed Christian music. I was doing fine, singing along and relaxed until this song by MercyMe came on. I bawled my eyes out and when I heard it again on the way home, I bawled again. Music, good music reaches into your soul and grabs a hold, and this one would not let go.

Even If

MercyMe

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
'Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Bart Millard / Ben Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group, Music Services, Inc, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Group

24 hours

24 hours
That is the goal.
To get through 24 hours without crying.
It has been 4 days and I have yet to achieve that. The problem is, every time I think about him or see a picture the waterworks start. I just can't stop them.
Doing research on the prison...tears fall
I look up and see his picture in his ABUs and Security Forces hat...tears fall
We talk about how we can't believe he would do this...tears fall.
It is all still so raw. So much pain I can't even comprehend. But then her I am. Pain. Tears. Disbelief.
How do parents and families get through this. I had to tell my mother today. She said "I can't believe it. It's "M"!
That is the thing. He was the "good" one. The one even his older brother looked up to. How could HE do this? How?

Hubby and I are having a hard time with this. We take it out on each other. We are both in pain. We are both always on the verge of tears. After 29 years of marriage and raising 3 sons in what we thought was "The way that they should go" we are sniping and snapping at each other. It should NOT be this way. No family should have to go through this.
We want to support him. We will always love him. But maybe this is in God's plan. As much as we don't want think that. Maybe he needs the therapy that he will get in prison to get his head back on straight.
I don't want that to be the case because it is easier to blame God than it is to blame my son.
Dear God, Father, please help this family come to terms with the mistake that his son made. Help us to see that this is in your plan. ( That is really really hard)

Anger

Yesterday was spent trying to turn off a few last minute items, gas, electric etc. We spent all day on the phones and did not get a single thing turned off. Sigh
His credit is already ruined because of breaking his lease and abandoning his car so what's a few more? I'm done. I can't spend another day on the phone trying to save his credit. He has a few credit cards and student loans that will probably have to go into default to. There is only so much money in his bank account and we can't afford to pay for them.
He will have a lot to answer for when he gets home.
I am beyond the denial stage of all of this and at anger stage I think. Angry at him for doing something so stupid. Angry at God for not seeming to be there.
How could he do this? How could anyone do this?
The boy who never lied to us, lied to us for a year about this. I just can't get my mind around all of this. This is not how we raised him!
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
And where is God? Where are You? Is this what You wanted to happen? 3 years in prison and a life thrown away? I just can't see how this is Your plan. Or how You are making good of something evil. I just can't see it. I just can't see the good in all of this.

I am NOT ok

Everyone keeps asking that. At least the very few people who know.
Nope, not even close to OK.
The hearing for our Airman son was Tuesday. The lawyers actually tried to keep us out of the courtroom. To shelter us from hearing the truth. We would not hear of it, because we were there to support him no matter what he did. And it was bad. We will never be the same. 
But we had to be in there. We had to have the truth. 
How could we not.
The prosecutor did her job and I hate her for it. 
Our well paid lawyer did ok, if I had it to do over with we would have saved our money. But then if we had not paid for the lawyer I would be blaming that. "If we had only paid that lawyer"
If he had not had a plea deal he would be serving 4 years instead of 3. 
3 years, dishonorable discharge and of course, the registry. 
How do you get through this?
How do you survive knowing your child did this?
I won't/can't stop loving him but I can't possibly think of him in the same way. I am distraught and crying constantly. 

Less than a week

I am an emotional wreck.  Everything brings tears. I am not sure how we are going to get through this. I know we have to be strong for our son, but who is going to be strong for us. Friends are praying but I can't bring myself to pray more than a cursory "help" I just feel like we are under attack. We always seem to be under attack. Yes we are blessed. We have our health, we have our business, (kinda) we have each other. So many do not have what we have. But the pain and stress is overwhelming.
Tuesday
Tuesday is when we finally have closure. If that is what you can call it. At least most of the unknowing will be answered.
I hate that we can't ask the lawyer questions. What an ass.
I feel like we are in limbo, waiting for someone to share a bone with us. Just a little tidbit of information.
Tuesday
Less than 4 days

Pictures

They want pictures now.
Pictures of him when he was younger and when he was with friends and family.
Looking through years and years of pictures. All of the great times camping and spending time together.
It is painful.
Knowing that he will most likely have to register and he will not be allowed to camp in a public campground. He is an Eagle scout. He love the outdoors and camping but he will not be allowed into a federal or state park.
I am heartbroken.