Sleep

 Or the lack there of'

Sigh

My dreams are all of that day

I don't know why. It has been 10 weeks. Why am I dreaming about seeing him before he goes to surgery and then when it is over. The visuals are killing me. The stress and fear are mind numbing. 

PTSD

 I remember the nurses at the hospital telling us that hubby might have some form of PTSD from almost dying. And the shock of everything, plus the effects of not being able to do as he used to right away. His primary care doctor said the same thing when we saw her last week. 

Of course they are right. He does have things that make him pause and fears now that were not there before. He made bread the other day and the smell of the dough caught him off guard. Since that was what he was doing when his aneurism burst. 

I guess I did not connect though, that I have PTSD as well. When he talks about how frustrating it is for him that he is not back to normal or how ticked off at how often he has to go to the doctors now, I get pissed off. I snapped the other day when he was complaining about how he is sick of doctors. Sometimes I get sick of his complaining. He is alive! I don't care how many doctors he has to see. He is alive. It's worth it. 

We were working together last weekend and a friend who had not seen or talked to hubby since the hospital was there and was thrilled to get to see and talk to hubby. Hubby relayed to me something the friend had said that struck me. 

P said that the first thing he thought of when he heard about hubby was me. He knows the kind of relationship hubby and I have and while he was worried for hubby he also worried about how I was. 

Honestly it was the first time in 10 weeks that anyone had said that they thought about me and what I was going through. Our two best friends were there at the hospital for me, so yes I had support, but this was different. All thoughts and prayers, as they should be, have been for hubby and him living and healing. I guess I just felt like it was the first time someone saw me. 

Selfish I know. 

I am not sure he will ever know what I went through that day. Just like I will never really know how he was feeling spending a week in the hospital. 

I think we are both going through PTSD.