Family Drama

 So tired of entitled family members who think that what M did is all about them. 

I am so tired of my MIL trying to fix the issues with us and my BIL and his wife. Apparently we are the ones that need to contact them and explain (AGAIN) about M and reassure them. We are the ones who should reach out to them. We are the ones that should invite them to Thanksgiving so that they can confront M. Because it is all about them.

Right Not Happening

This did not impact them in any way. This does not change their lives. They did not lose a son for 3 years. They are not the ones who have had to explain this to people. They did not spend months in tears. They did not have to turn their lives upside down when he came home. 

They are the ones who told us they would support M and us. They were the ones who turned their backs on us and then told their 10 year old daughter to fear M. They were the ones to stop taking our calls. They are the ones who give us the cold shoulder at family get togethers. 

Yet we are the ones that have to console them.

Fuck that. I'm done with them. If they want a relationship with us they need to reach out to us. 

I'm done

Assholes and Consequences

 M woke up yesterday morning to a post on FB from someone he knew in high school. She had shared a screenshot of a local person who they had gone to high school with on the registry. "Just making sure everyone is aware" 

A rude wake up call and a bit disconcerting for M. 

He can never get away from the label and will always be branded as an SO. Worse than a murderer. The lowest of the low. He will always be persecuted for a mistake he made when he was alone and tempted by someone who he thought was a legal aged girl. He will never be able to have an easy/normal relationship without having to explain himself. 

His life is forever changed. 

Mentaly Exhausted

 I am just so tired of explaining over and over and over again that M is not a threat. To the same damn people. To his brother to my MIL to those who know who M is. 

HE IS NOT A THREAT! 

I am just tired. 

Pariahs

 Mamaw's funeral has come and gone. M not being there was palpable to us. 

This is rough.

He has no idea how what he did is affecting us and our lives. There was actually a bit of relief that he had not gotten parole. I am still not sure how we will cope when he does. 

One thing is certain, the sister in law and brother who said they supported us no longer do. The ones that we knew instinctively that if/when they found out they would not speak to us. We are not sure what happened but SIL would not even look at me and basically ignored us at the funeral. This was the woman who took me out to breakfast after she found out and said we were crazy for thinking they would not support us, How M was her nephew and no matter what he did she would be there for him/us. So much for that.

We have always considered ourselves the black sheep of the family. Nothing ever changes.  

Parole Hearing

 MJ has a parole hearing today. This is the first step to him coming home potentially this spring. Which means it is all becoming real what we will be faced with living with him being on the registry. The impact on our lives is becoming more and more real. 

I have spent the last few months trying to remove myself from it all. At least for a little while. To try to live a semi normal life with Hubby working nights and trying to work through a pandemic and being alone most of the time. It is all mentally draining and thinking about the impact of when MJ comes home is just more than I can/could bear. 

A couple of weeks ago MJ asked me to contact the local police and try to get a letter confirming that he could legally live here. My bubble of mental wellness has been officially broken. It is all real again. The talks with family discussing it all have begun again. Because family who told us they were supportive suddenly are not. The stress of making sure our business is not connected in anyway with our home address. The new worry that the neighborhood will be notified that an SO is living here. 

This comment on a forum struck me.

"Sorry you’re going through this but also thank you for not kicking out your kid and disowning him. I’ve seen that happen to many times to younger people." 

It truly made me sad. No matter how difficult this all is, I could not imagine disowning him or not allowing him to live here. Yes this is going to be incredibly hard. Especially if the whole neighborhood finds out. But we will get through this. We will get through this together. Yes family and friends may decide they do not want to be a part of our lives anymore. That will be hard. But not supporting our son would be even harder. 

He did something incredibly stupid. But if God can still love him and forgive him then who I am to judge him? It is not my place to judge. I do not have the authority to judge a person for mistakes and sins. The charge I have been given is to love and forgive. 

And that is what I intend to do. 

And then they will know

Christmas and the mother in law who does not know how to lie or tell a story, even the one she created. Suspicions are created and questions are asked. The brother in law and sister in law who we were afraid would judge are not. Thank you God they are being supportive. The Aunt on the other hand is not sure. That side of the family, the high and mighty side, will be harder to crack. Especially since a cousin just started a job with Exploited and Missing Children.
Honestly if that side of the family falls away I am ok with that. They have always judged us.
M is not thrilled with everyone knowing, of course. But we are trying to minimize the damage. We just want him to come home to a support system, a family. People who love and care for him and realize that he was a stupid curious kid. I know he is 23 but still my kid. Those who can not support him I consider collateral damage.
I am tired of hiding it. I am tired of talking about it. So it is a bit of a relief that they know. My stress level dropped a bit.
I still believe he was being curious and that was why he used his real email address. He really is/was clueless. He really was not thinking he was doing anything wrong. Being naive like me is not a good thing sometimes.
He is feeling anxious because they have still not moved him. I get it. He wants to be somewhere where he can actually DO something. Right now he is in limbo, no job, no therapy, just books, while he waits. Waiting sucks.
I told him that people now know and he is not thrilled. He is afraid of being judged.
Aren't we all

To Tell or Not To Tell

That is the question.
Who do we tell?
How much of the truth do we tell?
Or do we just make some shit up and hope it sticks?
I want to protect my baby. (Doesn't every mother?) But living in a close family who gossip A LOT it is hard to decide.
Only a few of us were at the hearing and M only told one person, so fortunately only a few of us know the details. We don't want to make some family announcement and say "Hey M did all of this terrible stuff and is in prison for it" That would be bad. Judgement would be swift and harsh. We are already the black sheep in the family and it would ostracise us even more. It is less about us and more about M. We don't want him to come home to no family left.
So what to do?
His grandfather thinks its a mistake to not tell people something. Hubby has said the same. So we tell our small group a short version and they are supportive and offering prayers. We could really use those prayers. We finally decide we might just need to tell the family the short version if they ask. Today I get a message for my mother in law who had thought we should tell, all of a sudden she does not want to tell.
Sigh.
Honestly, I am at the point that I just don't care. Tell them don't tell them. Let the bricks fall how they may.
I am tired.
I just want to hear from M. I just want a phone call or a letter. Anything. I don't care anymore who knows. I just don't.

On Parenting

The other day I had a troll attack me on an online support group. Unfortunately this group is public so people feel free to speak their minds occasionally. He was vehement and nasty and just plain cruel. Accusing me of being a terrible parent who never said "No" and gave our children everything and no discipline. While I was not really upset about it, it did cause me to take stock.
Were we really such terrible parents?
Did we not give our sons guidance and discipline?
Was that why M did this terrible, awful thing?
Did we not give our children enough attention or spend enough time with them?
I think most parents question whether they are doing a good job or not. I honestly don't think any parent would say that they were perfect parents. Who could? There is always something you could have potentially done better. But how do you know?
Because we primarily work from home, we were there for them when they got home from school. We helped them with their homework, made sure they had everything they needed and encouraged them to do better. We praised them when they did well and tried to help them when they did not do well.
We spent more time with them then I think most parents can, so much so that we are close to them. They feel confident in confiding in us and asking advice. We spend vacations together. We are there for them even as adults.
We disciplined them when they were children. Yes, they got spankings occasionally. They were grounded or had privileges taken away. We told them "No" when we needed to and yes whenever we could.
They were spoiled in that they had all of their needs met. But the Christmas tree was never piled high. If they wanted something special they paid for it with money they earned from having jobs. They were required to pay us back if they borrowed more than a few dollars and were responsible for their own extra expenses. M was even paying us back for the lawyer.
As a whole I think we did the best that we could. I don't think we did a terrible job. Are there things we could have done better? Of course. But we did teach them right from wrong.
When our kids are given the freedom to soar, sometimes they crash.
No one parent or person is perfect.
Some mistakes are worse than others.
And sometimes our kids do things that we will never understand.
Terrible things.
But it does not make me love them any less.
And I don't think that makes me a terrible parent.

I made it!

A whole day without tears!
Sad that that is a goal now. 
We went out for our oldest son's birthday today so we tried to not talk about his brother too much. Inevitably we did of course. It is hard not to. Unfortunately trying to work this all out mentally means lots of discussion. 
Trying to determine who M told what and how much people know and who we felt we could trust with a small amount of the true story is a big deal now.  We know of at least a couple of family members who will never speak to him or us again when they find out. Hopefully we are wrong, but we know them pretty well. 
We are trying to figure out how to get some of his money to him so that he can buy paper and stamps to write us. We have access to his accounts so hopefully we can figure it out. 

I heard a song on the radio the other day and these lyrics stood out to me:
"I held you close as we both shook for the last time

Take a good hard look, I'm not okay" (My Chemical Romance)

I need to listen to more uplifting music but this is the feeling right now. It will get better right? 
One day at a time. 

The Beginning of Hell

The story has changed. Stress and worry is life now.
Our Airman has screwed up. Not just a little mess up easy to fix, but big. Something that will change his and our lives forever. Something that shows you who your real friends are.
What happened?
Last summer he messaged us on Facebook.
"I am going through something and I need you guys to pray for me."
Nothing else. No amount of prying can get it out of him. Time passes and we get a call from Air force investigators. WHAT?
Finally we get it out of him that he is under investigation.
Did you do something? "Yes"
Did you hurt someone? "No"
Are you hurt? "No"
Do you need a lawyer? "The Air Force has given me one"
That's it.
More calls from investigators. We get nervous and ask if we should talk to them. There is no answer because his given lawyer is unresponsive. So we start calling around. We find a lawyer who will call our son and talk to him before we pay him $7000.
Our son finally calls us and talks to his dad per the lawyers recommendation. He does not want us to know. He is afraid we will forever look at him differently. That we will stop loving him and never forgive him.
How can our child ever think that!? How can any child think that his parents will stop loving him?
It's bad.
It's something we never would have suspected. How could you?
That Spring, shortly after returning from deployment, he was on a chat app and started to get messages sending him links. He clicked on the links that led him to Dropbox and to images no one should ever have access to. Child Porn. He was curious and he looked at them. Then he realized what he had done and deleted Dropbox and any images that had been downloaded. All of this happened over two weeks.
Two weeks. 
Most of the time it takes longer to ruin someone's life. Not in this case. Just the mention of it makes people turn away. It is a horrible thing.
The lawyer called us back. MJ had felt so guilty that when they called him in he immediately gave them a written confession, his cell phone and all passwords plus gave them permission to search his apartment. This is the kind of Man our son is. He knows when he does wrong and accepts the punishment.
Little did we know what was in store for us.
The lawyer reassured us and gave us hope that there was a chance he could get it dismissed etc etc. He had not been charged yet so there was still a chance. All of the promises lawyers give so they can get your money. Another $7000 requested.
We decide to cancel our planned vacation and decide instead to drive 10 hours to visit our son. He tearfully reassured us that it was a mistake. He was so sorry. He was not interested in CP but had gotten curious. This would never ever happen again.
I believe him. We believe him. This boy does not and has never lied to us. He was the "good one" He wanted to be a hero from the time he was little. He believed in right or wrong. It's either black or white, there is no grey. The Eagle Scout. The son who is most like me. Sweet and emotional, always ready to give a hug, honest to a fault. This one one is the one under investigation.
We drive back home stunned but hopeful because we decide to hire the lawyer and he has given us hope.
Months pass. Our son is able to take leave and come home and visit the family. 90% of whom have no clue of our silent hell. We have determined to not tell anyone we do not have to in the hopes this will all pass.
Finally charges are filed. He is being court martialed. Our hearts are broken.
The lawyer tells us that now the real work can begin and he needs another $14,000 to fight for our son. Our son tells us his Air Force lawyers are changing so he really wants the paid lawyer. Of course we agree and put it on credit cards.
More time passes with little word from the lawyer until our son send us a plea deal he has been asked to sign. The plea deal is admitting guilt and no more than 18 months in jail. We hit panic mode and call the lawyer while I start researching possible defenses online. Our son calls us back, crying, "I did this. I am sorry. I screwed up" I send a message to the lawyer who tells us there is no hope.
Our son signs the plea.
To him it is black or white.
To us it is the nail in the coffin.
The only hope now is that the judge will take mercy and give him a short sentence.
The plea deal is denied. They want 3 years. He signs it. He is resigned to his fate.
Now we have to give the lawyers names of people who are close to us so they can ask for character witness letters and possible testimony. Names of people who do not know what he has done. Names of people who will now know what he has done.
Who will potentially judge us for what he has done. Judge us as being terrible parents, who did not teach our sons better. How could we let our son think that this was ok? Of course we have already judged ourselves and tried to figure out what we did wrong. What parent wouldn't?
The calls from the lawyer go out and the calls to us come in. "What did he do?"
We are surprised at the number of people who we thought would judge us the harshest instead tell us they will pray for us. And of course they would write letters. He is such a good person. We are dismayed to find that those who we thought we were closest to will not even call us back. The ones we vacation with, who we have known for over 15 years. Those are the ones who do not respond.
You find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this.
Now we wait.
The letters have been sent.
The hearing is in a week.
It is in the hands of the lawyer who has not proven himself to us and to a judge who does not know our son.
We wait and we pray.