Christmas and the mother in law who does not know how to lie or tell a story, even the one she created. Suspicions are created and questions are asked. The brother in law and sister in law who we were afraid would judge are not. Thank you God they are being supportive. The Aunt on the other hand is not sure. That side of the family, the high and mighty side, will be harder to crack. Especially since a cousin just started a job with Exploited and Missing Children.
Honestly if that side of the family falls away I am ok with that. They have always judged us.
M is not thrilled with everyone knowing, of course. But we are trying to minimize the damage. We just want him to come home to a support system, a family. People who love and care for him and realize that he was a stupid curious kid. I know he is 23 but still my kid. Those who can not support him I consider collateral damage.
I am tired of hiding it. I am tired of talking about it. So it is a bit of a relief that they know. My stress level dropped a bit.
I still believe he was being curious and that was why he used his real email address. He really is/was clueless. He really was not thinking he was doing anything wrong. Being naive like me is not a good thing sometimes.
He is feeling anxious because they have still not moved him. I get it. He wants to be somewhere where he can actually DO something. Right now he is in limbo, no job, no therapy, just books, while he waits. Waiting sucks.
I told him that people now know and he is not thrilled. He is afraid of being judged.
Aren't we all
I have noticed too that anticipating telling people is very stressful, and then it's a relief to have it done. I have found that the more people I tell and the more I talk about it, hard as that is, the less power that shame has over me. Fortunately everyone we have told has been supportive--but we had the luxury to decide who to tell.
ReplyDeleteActually we just told my youngest son--it took almost a year and a half. He's now almost 14 and actually quite a bit more mature than he was at 12/1/2 when we found out. His older brother was designated the one to tell him. We needed the rest of us to have processed things and to be more mentally stable before dealing with his reaction, and also we're past the involvement of police, etc, which probably would have freaked him out. (Our knock on the door came when youngest son and I were on a trip together. All my guilt about not being there for the kids when that happened is counteracted by "at least their little brother wasn't there to see it." And maybe they were relieved I wasn't there to see it either. Two less people with that traumatic memory.)
Your son unfortunately won't have the chance to see people face to face after they find out. Hopefully the supportive ones can write or call him so he can have some of the task of facing his shame out of the way before he's released. Hope he gets moved soon and can get more settled and start doing something to move forward.
I am glad that your family has been supportive as well. Most have been for us. Only time will tell.
DeleteUnfortunately we are the ones who get to deal with the telling. I wish it were otherwise. He had told a couple of his cousins but that is really it.
"Those who can not support him I consider collateral damage." It's so tough. But also I can imagine that some people might feel "pressured" to reject somebody who they might actually want to support. I understand the disappointment, but not everybody is immediately ready to take a stand. They might get there at some later time.
ReplyDeleteSo far it has gone relatively well. We are resigned to the fact that not everyone will be supportive, hopefully by the time he comes home they will accept him.
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