Family Drama

 So tired of entitled family members who think that what M did is all about them. 

I am so tired of my MIL trying to fix the issues with us and my BIL and his wife. Apparently we are the ones that need to contact them and explain (AGAIN) about M and reassure them. We are the ones who should reach out to them. We are the ones that should invite them to Thanksgiving so that they can confront M. Because it is all about them.

Right Not Happening

This did not impact them in any way. This does not change their lives. They did not lose a son for 3 years. They are not the ones who have had to explain this to people. They did not spend months in tears. They did not have to turn their lives upside down when he came home. 

They are the ones who told us they would support M and us. They were the ones who turned their backs on us and then told their 10 year old daughter to fear M. They were the ones to stop taking our calls. They are the ones who give us the cold shoulder at family get togethers. 

Yet we are the ones that have to console them.

Fuck that. I'm done with them. If they want a relationship with us they need to reach out to us. 

I'm done

Avoidance

6 1/2 months so far.
April 2022 is his expected release date with good behavior.
It seems like forever.
I have started avoiding everything to do his offense. I stopped going to the support groups. I stopped reading articles. I just can't anymore.
I can't read about people who are going through the trials of the list anymore. The people who come onto the groups to harass and berate them for trying to live some semblance of a normal life.  The parents like us who can't believe what their child has done. I just can't.
I know so much now and I know it is just the tip of the iceberg. We have avoided telling M what is in store for him when he comes home. He is so naive. I love that about him. And he does not need to know how his life will change.
He thinks he will live with us for a short time before getting an apartment.
He thinks getting a job will be easy.
He asked about going to comic cons. I did not have the heart to tell him it was no longer his choice.
He does not know that he will not be able to go to his children's schools when he has them or that they may even try to keep him from the hospital when they are born.
He does not know that the list will make him a pariah and that society will not accept him as a good person. That he will forever be labeled as a terrible human being.
So far prison does not seem to have changed him too much, but I fear that the list will.
I have avoided telling him what he is in for.
I have to step back and leave that all for when he comes home.
I know I won't be able to avoid it completely, it's our life now, but I can't go to the groups daily anymore.
It is going to be a long 2 years.

Social Distancing

The news reporters have been using my term..."The New Normal". Social distancing is the new normal for the rest of the population. I feel like we have been in  social distancing mode for awhile now. Trying to stay just far enough away from friends and family so that they don't ask questions.
Personally I am fine with this "new normal", it keeps me from having to make excuses.
I have been forcing myself to interact with people. To do things I would not normally do. Yesterday I did creative video of our churches worship so that it could be shown via the internet for service. We have not been to church in such a long time because hubby has been working. Normally I don't like doing video, but I enjoyed the challenge. And it got me out of the house and involved in prayer with the band.
I think as much as I would deny it, I need some social interaction. My problem is that I only want to do it on my own terms. Most people are probably like that. I doubt I am any different. Except that I have to force myself to do it. I really did not want to go film at church yesterday, but I enjoyed it while I was there.
M is upbeat as usual. I don't know how he does it. Actually I take that back, he is me in a different body and it is normally hard to keep me down. He got a job in the woodshop. It was what he was wanting to do. He was pretty much a shoe in. He has always enjoyed working with his hands so this is really kind of perfect. He will be learning cabinetry and furniture building. I only hope it translates to a decent job when he comes home.
The letters for his clemency hearing have been sent. I almost wish we had not asked his grandparents to write letters. My FIL is such a...well...I really don't know how to describe him. He made a statement in his letter that he would "need to be watchful of M's behavior and influence." and that if "necessary, confront him is issues arise"
DOES HE NOT KNOW HIS GRANDSON????
I just want to scream! I hope M does not even use it. I am so upset with how cold the letter comes across. This is the same man when we sat and waited for them to take M away sat in silence and when M asked him if he had anything to say, hoping for support, said "I have said all I needed to say"
Hubby has not seen the letter. I photographed it before sending it yesterday, because they were late and we needed to get them to M in time. I am not sure I want him to see it. Our relationship with my FIL has been strained for a few years now due to various issues and I don't see this as a way to repair it.
Maybe I am wrong. Lets hope I am wrong.

Happy Birthday

It was M's 24th birthday yesterday.
We sent him birthday messages. It was pizza and movie day so he was upbeat. What a way to spend a birthday.

We are working on letters for his clemency hearing. Since I am sending them all together everyone is sending them to me. As I read them I can feel the hope and the sadness. It makes my heart break every time that it has come to this.

Even If

I had to drive a lot today. 7 hours by the time I got home. So I streamed Christian music. I was doing fine, singing along and relaxed until this song by MercyMe came on. I bawled my eyes out and when I heard it again on the way home, I bawled again. Music, good music reaches into your soul and grabs a hold, and this one would not let go.

Even If

MercyMe

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
'Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Bart Millard / Ben Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group, Music Services, Inc, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Group

17 Days

Since we have talked to M.
Thanksgiving has come and gone. 2+ weeks. And we have not heard a word.
I know we can expect to not hear from him often, but this is heartbreaking. The not knowing how he is doing. What is going on with him. I have my phone by my side constantly now. I used to ignore it, but not anymore.
I hoped they would let him call on Thanksgiving.
My Dad called, who I have not talked to in a few months. (Terrible I know) He asked about M. I lied. I told him he was deployed and we did not know where he was. My Dad is retired military. I am afraid to tell him. I don't think he would judge, but I so don't want to disappoint him.
Thanksgiving was a quiet, somber affair. Our oldest came over with his wife and our 4 year old grandson, so there was chaos created by him. But the elephant was in the room. Bourbon and wine was poured often.
After dinner we played "Ticket to Ride", a board game we had all been wanting to play. J actually played a round with us, as did my mother. I think we were all trying to block out the past year.
To forget for just a few hours.

To Tell or Not To Tell

That is the question.
Who do we tell?
How much of the truth do we tell?
Or do we just make some shit up and hope it sticks?
I want to protect my baby. (Doesn't every mother?) But living in a close family who gossip A LOT it is hard to decide.
Only a few of us were at the hearing and M only told one person, so fortunately only a few of us know the details. We don't want to make some family announcement and say "Hey M did all of this terrible stuff and is in prison for it" That would be bad. Judgement would be swift and harsh. We are already the black sheep in the family and it would ostracise us even more. It is less about us and more about M. We don't want him to come home to no family left.
So what to do?
His grandfather thinks its a mistake to not tell people something. Hubby has said the same. So we tell our small group a short version and they are supportive and offering prayers. We could really use those prayers. We finally decide we might just need to tell the family the short version if they ask. Today I get a message for my mother in law who had thought we should tell, all of a sudden she does not want to tell.
Sigh.
Honestly, I am at the point that I just don't care. Tell them don't tell them. Let the bricks fall how they may.
I am tired.
I just want to hear from M. I just want a phone call or a letter. Anything. I don't care anymore who knows. I just don't.

24 hours

24 hours
That is the goal.
To get through 24 hours without crying.
It has been 4 days and I have yet to achieve that. The problem is, every time I think about him or see a picture the waterworks start. I just can't stop them.
Doing research on the prison...tears fall
I look up and see his picture in his ABUs and Security Forces hat...tears fall
We talk about how we can't believe he would do this...tears fall.
It is all still so raw. So much pain I can't even comprehend. But then her I am. Pain. Tears. Disbelief.
How do parents and families get through this. I had to tell my mother today. She said "I can't believe it. It's "M"!
That is the thing. He was the "good" one. The one even his older brother looked up to. How could HE do this? How?

Hubby and I are having a hard time with this. We take it out on each other. We are both in pain. We are both always on the verge of tears. After 29 years of marriage and raising 3 sons in what we thought was "The way that they should go" we are sniping and snapping at each other. It should NOT be this way. No family should have to go through this.
We want to support him. We will always love him. But maybe this is in God's plan. As much as we don't want think that. Maybe he needs the therapy that he will get in prison to get his head back on straight.
I don't want that to be the case because it is easier to blame God than it is to blame my son.
Dear God, Father, please help this family come to terms with the mistake that his son made. Help us to see that this is in your plan. ( That is really really hard)

Anger

Yesterday was spent trying to turn off a few last minute items, gas, electric etc. We spent all day on the phones and did not get a single thing turned off. Sigh
His credit is already ruined because of breaking his lease and abandoning his car so what's a few more? I'm done. I can't spend another day on the phone trying to save his credit. He has a few credit cards and student loans that will probably have to go into default to. There is only so much money in his bank account and we can't afford to pay for them.
He will have a lot to answer for when he gets home.
I am beyond the denial stage of all of this and at anger stage I think. Angry at him for doing something so stupid. Angry at God for not seeming to be there.
How could he do this? How could anyone do this?
The boy who never lied to us, lied to us for a year about this. I just can't get my mind around all of this. This is not how we raised him!
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
And where is God? Where are You? Is this what You wanted to happen? 3 years in prison and a life thrown away? I just can't see how this is Your plan. Or how You are making good of something evil. I just can't see it. I just can't see the good in all of this.

I am NOT ok

Everyone keeps asking that. At least the very few people who know.
Nope, not even close to OK.
The hearing for our Airman son was Tuesday. The lawyers actually tried to keep us out of the courtroom. To shelter us from hearing the truth. We would not hear of it, because we were there to support him no matter what he did. And it was bad. We will never be the same. 
But we had to be in there. We had to have the truth. 
How could we not.
The prosecutor did her job and I hate her for it. 
Our well paid lawyer did ok, if I had it to do over with we would have saved our money. But then if we had not paid for the lawyer I would be blaming that. "If we had only paid that lawyer"
If he had not had a plea deal he would be serving 4 years instead of 3. 
3 years, dishonorable discharge and of course, the registry. 
How do you get through this?
How do you survive knowing your child did this?
I won't/can't stop loving him but I can't possibly think of him in the same way. I am distraught and crying constantly. 

Less than a week

I am an emotional wreck.  Everything brings tears. I am not sure how we are going to get through this. I know we have to be strong for our son, but who is going to be strong for us. Friends are praying but I can't bring myself to pray more than a cursory "help" I just feel like we are under attack. We always seem to be under attack. Yes we are blessed. We have our health, we have our business, (kinda) we have each other. So many do not have what we have. But the pain and stress is overwhelming.
Tuesday
Tuesday is when we finally have closure. If that is what you can call it. At least most of the unknowing will be answered.
I hate that we can't ask the lawyer questions. What an ass.
I feel like we are in limbo, waiting for someone to share a bone with us. Just a little tidbit of information.
Tuesday
Less than 4 days

Pictures

They want pictures now.
Pictures of him when he was younger and when he was with friends and family.
Looking through years and years of pictures. All of the great times camping and spending time together.
It is painful.
Knowing that he will most likely have to register and he will not be allowed to camp in a public campground. He is an Eagle scout. He love the outdoors and camping but he will not be allowed into a federal or state park.
I am heartbroken.