He has a GIRLFRIEND!

 Yep! M has a girlfriend. 

For most people that would not be something to shout from the rooftops about, but for M, it is! He had resigned himself to never finding someone who would accept him and be as nerdy as he is. He swore he would never marry. Thanks to a friend he reconnected with this Spring. This was his best friend in high school. They lost touch when he went into the military partially due to some bullshit that happened with another friend. When M came home we encouraged him to reach out and he was afraid to. Well God works in mysterious ways! 

J is in a bowling league with his girlfriends dad. While bowling one evening he met the brother of M's buddy. The brother contacted M's buddy and got them reconnected. Now M and J are both in the friends wedding this fall! LOL! 

The friend, I will call him JD, who has accepted M and loves him dearly, found out about M's fear of girls and not being accepted. JD has a female friend who he worked with at a movie theater and is extremely nerdy. He and his fiancé started to invite her to get togethers with M. J and his girlfriend got wind of it and started doing the same thing! M and B (The girlfriend) started to talk and discovered how much alike they are and now they are inseparable! It is like they have been together for years. 

M says she is the female version of him. And he says he is going to marry her! We could not be happier for him. He has been through so much and it is wonderful to see him happy again. Things will not be easy, of course, especially once they have kids. But for now he is happy and in love and I am thrilled to see it! 

God answers Prayers!

It's Fine

 It's Fine. Everything is Fine.

The newest term added to the family language lexicon. Our youngest added it at the hospital during the days after Hubby's heart malfunction. 

It seems to fit quite often. A sarcastic way of admitting to being fine but not really "fine". 

Most of the time we really are just fine. However there are quite a few times lately when "fine" takes on that other meaning. 

When the oldest and his wife throw their lives into a tailspin so that she can quit her job and start a new career and they no longer have her income so they decide to sell their house and move in with her mother. There is a lot more there to unpack but that is the short version. "It's Fine"

When M gets billed by the military but is able to get a smaller payment for a year, knowing that they want that 50K paid off in 3 years and at 150 a month that wont cut it. "It's fine"

When we are approved for Medicaid because the business is not doing as well so we do not make any money. "It's Fine" 

When the business is not doing as well so we sold off the brick and mortar location and we are able to pay the bills now. "It's Fine" 

Honestly though, I don't have many complaints. Because we are blessed beyond belief. God has made all of these "bad" things into good things or at least better for the time being. We are paying the bills. We do have Medicaid to pay for the many many medications Hubby is now on. M is making payments towards his new debt. And it is all really Fine.

( Except for the oldest, we need prayer for the oldest. He has decided he no longer believes in God and that Faith is a cult.)

2024

 Another year has come and gone. There were triumphs and scares amidst the daily blessings. 

The largest triumph and scare being Rs aortic aneurism. I hope to never have to live through that again. But then again, seeing the work of God and the true miracle of life was worth it. We have learned a lot since then and we have learned to not take anything for granted. God is Good!

Ms dating hit a roadblock when the girl he was seeing went back to college and home. We knew it could not possibly work out, because of her living so far away and still being in college but we had hope for M because he really liked her. For now the dating apps are closed and he is working hard at his job where he was just made a custom carpenter after less than a year of working there. Things are looking up!

J is holding out on proposing to his girlfriend for now after a slight falling out with her parents. It really would not change much. LOL! We already consider her a daughter and she thinks of us as in-laws. He is starting to be disillusioned with his job after seeing how well M is treated at his job. Js Christmas bonus was pretty small and he does not feel like he is making enough money. I think the sheet metal apprenticeship will be a good thing but he is not very patient! 

RJ and A are making things work. Their marriage is certainly not what we would have wanted for him, but he is making is work. The new baby is absolutely adorable and C is as spoiled as ever. We took C to the Creation museum and the Ark over the Holiday's and he loved them both. At the Ark he started asking questions about God and Jesus, which surprised us since RJ has renounced his belief and is very vocal about it, but it was great to see and hear Cs excitement about Jesus. So there is hope. 

I am looking forward to seeing what the year ahead has for in store for us. Praying for good things! I know there are a few people who read my rambles here and I appreciate the support! I want to wish you a Happy and Blessed New Year! 

Selfishness

 I hate that about myself. I hate that I was upset, not upset upset, that R was not feeling well enough for us to go to a friends 4th of July party. 

He has been doing great! But one of his meds ended and the withdrawals from it is making him sick. 

I mean I wasn't really upset, but I was. I feel terrible that I was disappointed. I shouldn't feel like that. I should and do feel grateful that he is still here. I mean I cry with gratitude when we make love! 

But

Yeah there it is. But

I feel lonely. And tired.

The last 6 weeks have been stressful and long. And I want to go spend time with friends. I want to go out. I want to go back to before. 

He told me I should go without him. That is silly. They are our friends and going to drink and play in a pool without him is just not going to happen. 

I am just tired. And lonely. 

I will get through this. It's not about me. I am so incredibly grateful. I can't be selfish

Gratefulness

It really is amazing. I have always considered myself as a grateful person. I am convinced that all of the blessings bestowed on my/our lives are genuine gifts from God. That is a fact. 

But the moments of just sheer gratitude lately have me on the verge of tears at a continuous basis. I will brake down in tears at moments notice. I look across the room and see R in his chair or hear the continuous tic tic of his artificial heart valve and I can't help it. 

The blessings are continuous lately and I really am beside myself with joy. 

We own a commercial property that we ran our business out of for about 15 years, covid put an end to that and we have been trying to sell it. It needs some pretty obvious work done to it now and the listing had expired last year. Last week someone randomly contacted me through an odd source and they made us a cash offer to close on it this week! 

When friends heard about R being in the hospital I can't count how many stepped forward to offer help with our business. 

When I posted on Twitter about needing prayers for R, my post was shared to thousands of people! I have gotten random messages from people lately asking how he is doing. 

The doctors and nurses at the hospital were absolutely amazing!

I am grateful and blessed just to have him alive and still in my life. But the amount of blessings that we have received in the past few weeks has just blown me away. I can't control my emotions anymore. I have stopped even trying. It's worth it. I am blessed beyond words and I give all praise to God. Without Him I know nothing would be the same. 

Praise God!

 Thank you Lord! 

Medicaid came through and paid for everything. 

I can't even relay how grateful I am. I am crying tears of relief and joy right now. I was so worried about Hubby that I had not even thought about how stressed I was about the bills that were racking up. Yesterday we over 250,000 today that amount is 0. I can't believe it. Thank God! Thank you Lord! 

Navigating the New Normal

 Again!

LOL! When it rains it pours. 

We are blessed. Truly blessed. He is alive and according to the doctors a miracle. Which it totally think he is as well. 

When hubby went to the first hospital the first CT scan found a mass on his Thyroid. They decided to do a second more extensive CT scan based on that. They did not see the heart issue until the second scan. So if they had not found the mass they would not have looked further and probably sent him home with a pill where he would have died. 

He has an mechanical valve now, which means blood thinners for the rest of his life. Navigating the foods he can't have because of the Warfarin and the foods he can't have because of the salt content is a daily process. 

The Warfarin requires he get blood work done, currently daily, to determine how much blood thinner he needs. Hopefully after a few weeks his visits will be less and less. They compared it to insulin. Each person needs a different amount and also depending on the food he eats it will change as well. Crazy complicated stuff. 

On top of navigating that, he has appointments for scans for the thyroid mass. Which if they decide it should be removed there will be complications with the Warfarin. They did say that even if it is cancer that thyroid cancer is very treatable and very slow moving. But we still hope that is not the case. 

The rest of his recovery is going ok. Although slower than he would like. He is frustrated by the lack of energy that he has. That he is exhausted after walking down the steps. It's a long slow process and we will get through it. 

I am just grateful that he is here to go through it.   

A Long Week

 It is Sunday

No wait sorry it's Monday

I have spent every day from 8-8 at the hospital. I can't even think straight anymore. Today is the first day that I am not able to be there at 8am and it is because I have a client meeting that I can't afford to get out of. So I sent one of the boys. I don't want him alone at the hospital if at all possible. I can't imagine being there alone. It's bad enough he is there at all. 

I am mentally exhausted. 

His mother comes every day and moons over "her baby", talks constantly and critics the nurses. I can't stand it. I am sick of seeing her. I am sick of listening to her. I am sick of her. On a normal basis I can tolerate her in small doses and now I have her everyday. I am about to lose it.

The boys are wonderful. They are so sweet checking to make sure that I eat and sleep. I do forget to eat. But sleep comes pretty fast and easy. I am home by 8:30ish and in bed by 10. I can't stay awake any longer. 

My brain just does not seem to know how to work anymore. I am not sure that I will know what to do with myself when he comes home. 

Yesterday tears were at the surface all day. I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support that we have received. I almost lost it when I was working with a friend to get work covered. I did lose it when I read the letter I had typed out to tell our clients what had happened. I lost it when his wonderful nurse came in to say goodbye, she is off the next two days and we may not see her before he leaves. 

It's Monday I have to try to remember that. Memorial day. Right. Monday. OK. I can do this.

When they say...

God will not give you more than you can handle, He sure must think we can handle A LOT! 

Hubby went to the hospital this week with chest pains. I was an hour away with my mother so I got a text from him saying 

"Hows it going. Don't freak out." 

"Going well. Why don't freak out?"

"I am at (the hospital)"

"ok. Why? Are you ok?"

"I think I had some chest pains"

I asked if they were doing tests and he said yes. Mom and I head back home, really not thinking the worst. Or rather trying not to. He had gone to the hospital with pains before only to have it be anxiety. 

We pull into the parking lot of the hospital when hubby calls and says...

"You need to meet me at (another hospital 15 min away) they say I need emergency surgery" 

"What!!!! Emergency surgery?"

"Yeah, they are taking me in an ambulance. Its the thing my dad has. "

His dad has a hereditary heart defect. He had a stint put in years ago. His grandfather with  the same defect died on the operating table.

I try to ask a question and he says... "Oh, they say I am bleeding into my chest." 

He is very nonchalant through all of this, although at that point I can hear fear in his voice. 

We find out where we need to go and I start flying. I don't think my mother has heard me say as many swear words cussing people out for cutting me off or not letting me in as I try to get to the hospital during rush hour traffic before he dies. I fly to security who rushes me up to surgery while mom stays to wait for the boys. We made it up right before he goes in and I cuss him out. I tell him he promised me forever so he owes me. I think I called him an asshole. I honestly don't remember too much about that except I said f*#& and other things, with the nurses watching me. They take him prep and the doctor gives me the details. 

Aortic Root Dissection

This is one of two ways that kills people "naturally" If he had waited any longer before he drove himself to the hospital he would have died. There was a 25% chance of death during surgery, he could lose a leg, brain function, organ failure etc etc. 

Somehow I manage to get to the waiting area without losing it. The boys were not there yet. I was alone. I called the two people who I knew would get the word out. My MIL and our best friend. The boys finally arrive and I lose control. The next 6 hours friends and family arrive to a total of almost 15 people. The word is put out for prayers from everyone we can think of. My phone is blowing up constantly and I pace the aisle. The nurse calls every two hours to give me an update and as soon as she does a crowd gathers around me to listen. 

I don't know what I would have done without them. They were a massive support system on the absolute worst day of my life. I don't know how I would have survived without them. 

The nurse called about 8pm (4 hours in) to tell us he came through and they would be closing him up soon. It was another hour before she called to say they were closing him up and another hour before the doctor came out to talk to me. I am sure he was a bit surprised when everyone sat down to listen. A circle of 10 at that point all anxious to hear how he was. Fortunately our best friend and Js girlfriend both asked questions while all I cared about was when I could see him.

Surprisingly they let the family all come in. He was intubated and not awake, but he was ALIVE! 

I tried to stay with him but they would not let me. They expected me to go home and sleep. It was after midnight at that point and of course sleep was not going to happen. But I relented and went home where I laid on the couch and  attempted to sleep. Yeah No

We get to the hospital before visiting hours where I had to throw a fit to get to go up and wait to see him. I finally got the call that I could see him, he was awake. 

I don't think I have ever been more overjoyed to see my husband all covered in wires and tubes and still intubated as that moment. He reached for my hand and wrote "Do I look Cool?" with is finger. I think that will go down as one of my best memories ever. 

I am the most blessed and grateful person on the face of the Earth. The recovery time ahead is huge. But I don't care. He is Alive! I will take it all. All of the difficult times ahead are worth me being able to wake up next to him every day and tell him I love him. 

Why yes you do look cool.