Reminders

I was browsing through posts of an old blog I used to write. I was actually looking for a different post that was coming to mind, but my eyes fell here. I know this to be true, because even in the worst of times, even when we think that God is not there, how could he possibly be, he makes Himself known. Maybe not in the big ways that we would like, but in small ways, like being able to pay the bills. Like work coming in when so many others do not have any. Like staying healthy in times of a pandemic. In small reminders like old writings coming to mind. He is here. Always.

"Today Psalm 121 found me. I say found me, because I was not looking for anything in particular, I was browsing when my eyes stopped. I don't take that for granted. Obviously I was meant to stop. 

Sometimes we need a reminder that He is watching over us.  Sometimes we need a reminder that He is here. Miracles do actually still happen. It is just that our faith is lacking to see them. 

He is here"

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

2 

My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 

He will not let your foot slip—

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 

indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 

The Lord watches over you—

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6 

the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

7 

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

8 

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.

Eh

So normally this is a fun week. Or at least a decent one. And this should have been a GREAT week. Instead Mother's Day, our 30th wedding anniversary and my birthday have all gone by with the blink of an eye. Sigh

Yes I am whining. I am complaining. I am sad. 

I know I really have nothing to be upset about. God has watched over us and somehow as usual has made good out of the bad. We are surviving. We are paying our bills. 

But I think sometimes we are allowed to feel a bit sorry for ourselves. For the loss of our normal lives. For the losses of others, like high school seniors who are missing their senior year. For the weddings that are being postponed and heaven forbid cancelled. For the hugs and hand holding that cannot happen right now. 

And right now I am feeling sorry for myself. 

My 30th wedding anniversary. That's a big one. We spent it home with chinese take out and champagne and Netflix. 

Mother's Day the kids all called, even M. I got a hug from the youngest. And called my mom. 

My birthday...well that is today. I am up early as usual. I do not expect much other than a phone call and  my Facebook blowing up with well wishes. 

I should be grateful for all that I have. 

But instead I am sad for what I am missing. I am crying over nothing. 

Social Distancing sucks

Avoidance

6 1/2 months so far.
April 2022 is his expected release date with good behavior.
It seems like forever.
I have started avoiding everything to do his offense. I stopped going to the support groups. I stopped reading articles. I just can't anymore.
I can't read about people who are going through the trials of the list anymore. The people who come onto the groups to harass and berate them for trying to live some semblance of a normal life.  The parents like us who can't believe what their child has done. I just can't.
I know so much now and I know it is just the tip of the iceberg. We have avoided telling M what is in store for him when he comes home. He is so naive. I love that about him. And he does not need to know how his life will change.
He thinks he will live with us for a short time before getting an apartment.
He thinks getting a job will be easy.
He asked about going to comic cons. I did not have the heart to tell him it was no longer his choice.
He does not know that he will not be able to go to his children's schools when he has them or that they may even try to keep him from the hospital when they are born.
He does not know that the list will make him a pariah and that society will not accept him as a good person. That he will forever be labeled as a terrible human being.
So far prison does not seem to have changed him too much, but I fear that the list will.
I have avoided telling him what he is in for.
I have to step back and leave that all for when he comes home.
I know I won't be able to avoid it completely, it's our life now, but I can't go to the groups daily anymore.
It is going to be a long 2 years.