Friendships

 I had an interesting conversation with M last night. (He calls every couple of weeks now) We were talking about his parole hearing in October when we were interrupted by someone talking to him and him laughing and telling them he was talking to his mom, with the next comment being "You are loved here".

What an odd thing to hear about other inmates and also just to hear him laugh. He told me there is more camaraderie in prison then being in the actual military. He said "Believe it or not I have made friends here." 

The combination of him telling me I am loved by other inmates and that he has friends there is a bit sad. I think. I am really not sure how I feel about it. He obviously feels close enough to these other men to tell them of his home life and to create bonds with them. Granted these bonds are created because of close quarters and a commonality of being in prison for similar actions. 

I am grateful that he does not seem to have changed as far as him being always upbeat. He has always been the one child who never had any problem making friends. However while he was in the military he did seem to have a hard time. He had a few close friends that he made after he was under investigation but he never mentioned being close to anyone else. I am not sure why that was. I always hear of the military being a brotherhood but somehow my son who never had any problem at all making friends out of the military had a difficult time with it while in. 

Knowing how my son is such a social creature it somehow makes me wonder if that is why he looked at what he did. (I know I can make all kinds of excuses for him and there really is no excuse. But I have always been the type of person to try to figure out what makes people do what they do and why they are the way they are. ) I know that when I get bored I tend to get curious about random things. M has always been closest like me. Knowing him the way I do I has been trying to figure out why. Maybe I will never know. I honestly don't think he even knows why he did it. 

Boredom will drive us to do things and try things we would not have normally. 

Attempting to live

It has been a year since we found out what M was being investigated for. 8 months since he was incarcerated. 4 months since the Covid hell took a massive bite out of our business. 

To be honest the past couple of years have just been Hell. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been bright spots. But overall it is just shit. But lets discuss the bright spots as a reminder to myself lest I become ungrateful.

We have somehow been able to pay all of the bills.  Yes Hubby is working nights at Hell and somehow I was able to get unemployment but I can't rule out Gods hand in that.

M is still staying upbeat and enjoys working in the wood shop. He has always been the upbeat child, much like myself. So it is hard to keep him down for long.

R and his wife are getting along and making the marriage work. Considering he thought they would be divorced by now this is a good thing. 

J has a couple of groups of friends that are helping him through this. As much as he does not open up his friends help.

I can see God in our lives and I do try my best to be grateful. Right now it is harder than ever. This pandemic is causing an incredible amount of stress in our lives. (Yes I know we are not alone in that) Compounded with the stress of a child in prison and Hubby working nights...well...the tears comes in waves. We can go days without a thought and then it all slams home fresh again. 

I know I know we will get through all of this. But life will never be the same. When M comes home the stress begins again because of the restrictions of the list. 

For now we are just trying to survive. I guess that is really all that we can do. 

Survive

He Called!

Yesterday we were all wondering how he is getting along and then last night he called and we got to talk for half an hour! We got to hear how things are at the brig.
His first comment was it is like a "daycare". The food is surprisingly good. He said they had pizza on the weekend and hamburgers the night before. You are required to attend each meal, unlike county where you could just sleep through them. But you get enough food so that you are not hungry throughout the day. With him being a picky eater we were a bit concerned about what he would actually eat. He is currently in medium security in the welcome area until they determine that he is safe and can be placed in minimum and a "permanent" cell. They have movies on the weekends and he has the "freedom" to go to his appointments without being shackled and can just walk there. They have more free time and there are books in the common area so if he needs something to read he is set. There is a library as well as classes and jobs, which he will be able to take part in once he is placed.
They are much more strict about mail and phone calls. All addresses have to be preapproved as well as all books we send him. I have to send him a list of books so that he can get them approved. Once I figure out how to send him money via money order he can actually purchase a tablet and receive email. He said he is really "lucky" in that this is the first and only brig to allow tablets and email. He also said that with good behavior he could potentially purchase a PSP.
He is planning for when he can come home. I worry about that. I can only hope he can stay as upbeat once he is living on the list as he is right now being in prison. Because the list is it's own prison.

More waiting

M has been at Charleston for over 10 days now. The waiting for a phone call or letter is almost unbearable. The not knowing how he is doing, what his life is like there, if he is ok, is heart wrenching.
We are trying to get back to some semblance of real life. Although it is made more difficult because hubby is still working nights to help with the bills. We have socialized a little bit in the last couple of weeks. The question of how is M doing in the Air Force was of course asked. And we acted like all was well. It is harder meeting with friends since they do not know. One friend of mine is persistent in asking what is going on since she knows things are not great and she guessed accurately that something is going on with M, she is retired military. Funny not funny, she was actually a prison guard for a few years. I think I will tell her at least some of it. I trust her.
Trust is key, of course. Knowing who to trust is much more difficult.
We have not been to church in months. It is hard when hubby has been working overtime on Saturdays and sleeps until 2 on Sunday. I miss church. Tuesdays small group helps but it can only do so much when there are usually 6 kids running chaos through the house while we try to talk.
There are times when I feel Him more. And now does not seem to be one of them. Maybe it is the winter blahs getting to me along with everything else.
The new normal sucks.

And there he is

We got a voicemail yesterday morning that M had arrived at the Brig.
There are mixed emotions going on. I am glad he is where is "supposed" to be, but sad that he is where he is "supposed" to be.
Everything makes me cry lately. I think the combination of the added stress of hubby working nights and M being where he is is taking a toll on my emotions. I am in borderline tears all the time. I just can't get them in check. I want my old self back. The person who was always upbeat and optimistic.
I miss that person.

Transfer

M is being transferred to the Brig today. It is a 10 hour drive South if you are driving straight through. Somehow I doubt the government prison system will drive him South all nice and casual. I suspect it will take a few days.
I wish I knew.
He called us almost every day this past week. So we had plenty of time to talk to him. He had gotten into a "phone monopoly". He says he will explain about it another time. It gave us time to talk but I am sorry for those who did not get a chance to talk to their families because of it, if that were the case. I doubt he will be able to call anytime soon.
Hope and prayers right now. Praying for safe travels for M.

Naval Consolidated Brig - Charleston

That is where he will be moving to next week.
Well at least he is staying on the East coast.
Hopefully he will be able to settle in and earn some days off his time with a job and therapy and hopefully a new skill.
Now comes the research in finding out how to get him money for phone calls and the commissary. It does not seem  as cut and dried as the state prison.
This really sucks. I found a forum for families of those incarcerated. Hopefully I can get more information there.
I am not sure what I am looking for right now. What am I supposed to be feeling? I feel like I have this constant cloud over my head. Even when good thing happen, I feel like it is just not enough. How much good is enough to make the cloud dissipate?

2020

Happy New Year?
Honestly, it really can't get much worse than last year. I say that while knocking on wood or whatever because of course saying that dictates that this coming year will suck even more.
Hope
It is such a small word.
4 letters that define what my thoughts are attempting to achieve.
Peace
Another small word.
5 letters that define what I have been unsuccessful in achieving.
Two words that pretty much define what my New years resolution should be.
Most people think of the resolution as something to break within a few days of making it. Something that is said while drinking and partying.
For me though my resolution is to seek both. Peace to get through this hell and hope for the potential future.
M seems to have both in spades. I can't even imagine. He calls every couple of days, which we really did not expect, but it is a way of staying somewhat connected. Every time I see his name on my caller ID my heart skips a beat. He told me yesterday that for Thanksgiving and Christmas they were confined to their cells after the guards came through and tore them apart. What a great way to spend a holiday. Being searched and humiliated. Yes I know he is in prison and prison is not meant to be fun. But humanity is obviously lacking in our prison systems.
He is planning for a future. He calls asking about trade programs and what we think would be a good one for him to learn. He likes working with his hands. He is looking forward to moving to the military prison. How can you look forward to something like that???!!! He has hope, though, that it will be better than where he is at. Right now he is not working towards a goal, just biding time.
Hope, M has hope for the future. Not the future he thought he would have, but a future. He has always been an upbeat person.
He has peace with what he has done. Regret, yes. But he has made peace and accepted his fate.
Sometimes I think he actually has the easier end of this. He "gets" to spend his time reading and does not have to stress about having to explain everything to friends and family. Or not explain things and keep others from spilling the proverbial beans. Like the 4 year old who likes to talk, announcing that M is in jail. How long can we keep him from telling people when they mention M's name? Or the MIL who does not want to lie, but can't seem to keep her mouth shut when nosey family ask questions about where he is.
Hope and Peace
Peace and Hope
It is only two words

3 calls and another letter

He called 3 days in a row! Incredible! The first time he called I am embarrassed to say I was incredibly excited.
We only had a couple of minutes before he was called away for some sort of lock down. I did pretty well, I did not cry until I hung up the phone. I am pretty proud of myself. I am a crier, big time. So I was convinced the first time I heard his voice I would lose it. The main thing he said "It sucks".
He sounded so down I just wanted to hug him. It is a terrible thing when you can't hug your baby.
I was surprised when he called again the next day. Hubby got to talk to him because I was working. He felt so bad when he found out his Dad had to pick up a night job to help pay the lawyer bills. Hubby just told him he will have to be the one to take care of us in our old age. He seemed in better spirits and asked for money for the commissary which they can visit on Sundays. Since he is confined in a pretrial area until he goes to his "permanent" confinement, he gets limited use of the common area.
Then he called a third time! This time to talk to me. We had asked him for a list of books so that we can have them sent via Amazon. He has always been a voracious reader. He had already read three books in the first few days. He said getting books is like doing a drug deal. You have to "buy" them with other books or food from the commissary.
I have been pleasantly surprised at the cost of the calls. I had read horror stories of $1-3 a minute, so I put $15 in his phone account thinking I would have to refill it after each phone call. Instead we have had 3 calls and it has cost less than $3.
We received a letter today as well. He told us what he was telling others as he was advised to not say why he is really in. His story is that he was carrying a pound of weed in his trunk with scales and baggies onto base and a drug sniffing dog "sat" on his car. It seems to be going over well. Funny thing is he does not even seem realize how much actual pot a pound is!
He is getting along well with the older men and seems to be doing ok.
If the amount of letters and calls seems like a lot, it probably is for most people. We have always been a very close family. He says he plans on calling every couple of days if possible to keep in touch. This is our boy.
This is how we raised him.
He is not a monster.

A Letter!

We got a letter!
It took all three of us to read it. The waterworks started almost immediately.
He starts out by apologizing to the whole family for putting us through this. And promising to make it as right as he can.
He sounds like the same M that we know and love. He is like my twin. He has a hard time staying down for too long. He was always one to make the best of any situation.
He told us a bit about prison life.
Boring. He says they sit on their beds wrapped in their blankets most of the day because there is nothing to do, but also because it is so cold. He says they keep the AC at 45-50 degrees. His "bed" is a 2 inch pad on a steel plank. The food is terrible, "fake" meat. Fortunately he can gets snacks at the commissary with the money I was able to send him. He was always a very picky eater, so I know he will lose some weight. His cellmate is a Christian as well so they have had quite a few conversations about faith. I am grateful for that.
He will be in state prison for another 20 ish days before they move him to a military prison.
I know I probably sound like an excited mother getting a letter from her child who is at camp.
I am not "excited" or even "happy", my child is not in camp, he is in prison. He is in prison for viewing and sharing pictures he never should have had access to.
I can't ever forget that.

I made it!

A whole day without tears!
Sad that that is a goal now. 
We went out for our oldest son's birthday today so we tried to not talk about his brother too much. Inevitably we did of course. It is hard not to. Unfortunately trying to work this all out mentally means lots of discussion. 
Trying to determine who M told what and how much people know and who we felt we could trust with a small amount of the true story is a big deal now.  We know of at least a couple of family members who will never speak to him or us again when they find out. Hopefully we are wrong, but we know them pretty well. 
We are trying to figure out how to get some of his money to him so that he can buy paper and stamps to write us. We have access to his accounts so hopefully we can figure it out. 

I heard a song on the radio the other day and these lyrics stood out to me:
"I held you close as we both shook for the last time

Take a good hard look, I'm not okay" (My Chemical Romance)

I need to listen to more uplifting music but this is the feeling right now. It will get better right? 
One day at a time. 

24 hours

24 hours
That is the goal.
To get through 24 hours without crying.
It has been 4 days and I have yet to achieve that. The problem is, every time I think about him or see a picture the waterworks start. I just can't stop them.
Doing research on the prison...tears fall
I look up and see his picture in his ABUs and Security Forces hat...tears fall
We talk about how we can't believe he would do this...tears fall.
It is all still so raw. So much pain I can't even comprehend. But then her I am. Pain. Tears. Disbelief.
How do parents and families get through this. I had to tell my mother today. She said "I can't believe it. It's "M"!
That is the thing. He was the "good" one. The one even his older brother looked up to. How could HE do this? How?

Hubby and I are having a hard time with this. We take it out on each other. We are both in pain. We are both always on the verge of tears. After 29 years of marriage and raising 3 sons in what we thought was "The way that they should go" we are sniping and snapping at each other. It should NOT be this way. No family should have to go through this.
We want to support him. We will always love him. But maybe this is in God's plan. As much as we don't want think that. Maybe he needs the therapy that he will get in prison to get his head back on straight.
I don't want that to be the case because it is easier to blame God than it is to blame my son.
Dear God, Father, please help this family come to terms with the mistake that his son made. Help us to see that this is in your plan. ( That is really really hard)