Attempting to live

It has been a year since we found out what M was being investigated for. 8 months since he was incarcerated. 4 months since the Covid hell took a massive bite out of our business. 

To be honest the past couple of years have just been Hell. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been bright spots. But overall it is just shit. But lets discuss the bright spots as a reminder to myself lest I become ungrateful.

We have somehow been able to pay all of the bills.  Yes Hubby is working nights at Hell and somehow I was able to get unemployment but I can't rule out Gods hand in that.

M is still staying upbeat and enjoys working in the wood shop. He has always been the upbeat child, much like myself. So it is hard to keep him down for long.

R and his wife are getting along and making the marriage work. Considering he thought they would be divorced by now this is a good thing. 

J has a couple of groups of friends that are helping him through this. As much as he does not open up his friends help.

I can see God in our lives and I do try my best to be grateful. Right now it is harder than ever. This pandemic is causing an incredible amount of stress in our lives. (Yes I know we are not alone in that) Compounded with the stress of a child in prison and Hubby working nights...well...the tears comes in waves. We can go days without a thought and then it all slams home fresh again. 

I know I know we will get through all of this. But life will never be the same. When M comes home the stress begins again because of the restrictions of the list. 

For now we are just trying to survive. I guess that is really all that we can do. 

Survive

Doctor Who

Hubby has taken a job working nights.
Our youngest is with friends.
Our oldest is with his family.
Our middles is on jail.
And I am sitting home alone.
I am working with Doctor Who as my background noise. It is the episode where Rory is taken back in time by the Weeping Angels and the love of his life decides to go with him leaving everything else behind.
I always cry a little.
But as I look up to watch the last scene the tears become sobs. Because like Amy and Rory life will never be the same.
It has actually been a while since I have cried. But for some reason sitting here alone triggered the reality that life really sucks right now.
I spent Christmas day at the in-laws house with the entire family, worrying about who was going to spill the beans. The 4 year old who knows his uncle is in jail? Or the mother in law who can't stand keeping a secret. Or would it be the nephew who despises us for random reasons and somehow seems to know?
The one bright spot in all of this hell is the grandson. He comes in cheery and with a ready hug and chatters incessantly. He will snuggle with his Mimi and offer me snacks. 4 year olds are oblivious to it all.
My lack of time with my husband and knowing that my son is in jail though, takes over my emotional state. Today is a bad day. I am barely holding back the tears.
Life really really sucks right now.

It doesn't feel like Christmas

Not one bit.
Yes we have a tree up and I have made some Christmas cookies and a few, very few presents have been purchased.
But it feels like we are just going through the motions. There is no joy or excitement. Nothing to look forward to.
The past two years have revolved around M and just getting through it all. It did not help that in that time we were hit by 90 mile an hour straight line winds and had to rebuild our house, our business has been suffering because of stress, we have decimated our savings to help M and a multitude of other stress' to make our lives hell.
We can relate to the Book of Job. It feels like the devil has been given free reign in our lives.
We try to find little moments of joy, but they are few and far in between. It is about surviving now. Trying to keep our heads about the waves that keep growing as if there is a hurricane surrounding us. We have always said we are blessed. Blessed to have our health and a roof over our heads. God always seemed to provide when our business slowed down in the winter. We have always had just enough work to pay the bills.
But that is not the case anymore. Hubby has had to pick up a job for the first time in 30 years of being in business. How do people get by on just $15 an hour? We are going to be selling our office space and working from home to save on expenses. And we are looking into every form of advertising possible, not that we have the money to pay for it. Our credit has been destroyed and the credit cards are maxed. It is not just M who has been punished by what he did.
Maybe I am more depressed because I have been sick for 3 weeks now and I am just sick of being sick. Or maybe it is all just hitting home that nothing will ever be the same again.

Anger

Yesterday was spent trying to turn off a few last minute items, gas, electric etc. We spent all day on the phones and did not get a single thing turned off. Sigh
His credit is already ruined because of breaking his lease and abandoning his car so what's a few more? I'm done. I can't spend another day on the phone trying to save his credit. He has a few credit cards and student loans that will probably have to go into default to. There is only so much money in his bank account and we can't afford to pay for them.
He will have a lot to answer for when he gets home.
I am beyond the denial stage of all of this and at anger stage I think. Angry at him for doing something so stupid. Angry at God for not seeming to be there.
How could he do this? How could anyone do this?
The boy who never lied to us, lied to us for a year about this. I just can't get my mind around all of this. This is not how we raised him!
I feel betrayed.
I feel angry.
And where is God? Where are You? Is this what You wanted to happen? 3 years in prison and a life thrown away? I just can't see how this is Your plan. Or how You are making good of something evil. I just can't see it. I just can't see the good in all of this.

I am NOT ok

Everyone keeps asking that. At least the very few people who know.
Nope, not even close to OK.
The hearing for our Airman son was Tuesday. The lawyers actually tried to keep us out of the courtroom. To shelter us from hearing the truth. We would not hear of it, because we were there to support him no matter what he did. And it was bad. We will never be the same. 
But we had to be in there. We had to have the truth. 
How could we not.
The prosecutor did her job and I hate her for it. 
Our well paid lawyer did ok, if I had it to do over with we would have saved our money. But then if we had not paid for the lawyer I would be blaming that. "If we had only paid that lawyer"
If he had not had a plea deal he would be serving 4 years instead of 3. 
3 years, dishonorable discharge and of course, the registry. 
How do you get through this?
How do you survive knowing your child did this?
I won't/can't stop loving him but I can't possibly think of him in the same way. I am distraught and crying constantly. 

Less than a week

I am an emotional wreck.  Everything brings tears. I am not sure how we are going to get through this. I know we have to be strong for our son, but who is going to be strong for us. Friends are praying but I can't bring myself to pray more than a cursory "help" I just feel like we are under attack. We always seem to be under attack. Yes we are blessed. We have our health, we have our business, (kinda) we have each other. So many do not have what we have. But the pain and stress is overwhelming.
Tuesday
Tuesday is when we finally have closure. If that is what you can call it. At least most of the unknowing will be answered.
I hate that we can't ask the lawyer questions. What an ass.
I feel like we are in limbo, waiting for someone to share a bone with us. Just a little tidbit of information.
Tuesday
Less than 4 days

The Beginning of Hell

The story has changed. Stress and worry is life now.
Our Airman has screwed up. Not just a little mess up easy to fix, but big. Something that will change his and our lives forever. Something that shows you who your real friends are.
What happened?
Last summer he messaged us on Facebook.
"I am going through something and I need you guys to pray for me."
Nothing else. No amount of prying can get it out of him. Time passes and we get a call from Air force investigators. WHAT?
Finally we get it out of him that he is under investigation.
Did you do something? "Yes"
Did you hurt someone? "No"
Are you hurt? "No"
Do you need a lawyer? "The Air Force has given me one"
That's it.
More calls from investigators. We get nervous and ask if we should talk to them. There is no answer because his given lawyer is unresponsive. So we start calling around. We find a lawyer who will call our son and talk to him before we pay him $7000.
Our son finally calls us and talks to his dad per the lawyers recommendation. He does not want us to know. He is afraid we will forever look at him differently. That we will stop loving him and never forgive him.
How can our child ever think that!? How can any child think that his parents will stop loving him?
It's bad.
It's something we never would have suspected. How could you?
That Spring, shortly after returning from deployment, he was on a chat app and started to get messages sending him links. He clicked on the links that led him to Dropbox and to images no one should ever have access to. Child Porn. He was curious and he looked at them. Then he realized what he had done and deleted Dropbox and any images that had been downloaded. All of this happened over two weeks.
Two weeks. 
Most of the time it takes longer to ruin someone's life. Not in this case. Just the mention of it makes people turn away. It is a horrible thing.
The lawyer called us back. MJ had felt so guilty that when they called him in he immediately gave them a written confession, his cell phone and all passwords plus gave them permission to search his apartment. This is the kind of Man our son is. He knows when he does wrong and accepts the punishment.
Little did we know what was in store for us.
The lawyer reassured us and gave us hope that there was a chance he could get it dismissed etc etc. He had not been charged yet so there was still a chance. All of the promises lawyers give so they can get your money. Another $7000 requested.
We decide to cancel our planned vacation and decide instead to drive 10 hours to visit our son. He tearfully reassured us that it was a mistake. He was so sorry. He was not interested in CP but had gotten curious. This would never ever happen again.
I believe him. We believe him. This boy does not and has never lied to us. He was the "good one" He wanted to be a hero from the time he was little. He believed in right or wrong. It's either black or white, there is no grey. The Eagle Scout. The son who is most like me. Sweet and emotional, always ready to give a hug, honest to a fault. This one one is the one under investigation.
We drive back home stunned but hopeful because we decide to hire the lawyer and he has given us hope.
Months pass. Our son is able to take leave and come home and visit the family. 90% of whom have no clue of our silent hell. We have determined to not tell anyone we do not have to in the hopes this will all pass.
Finally charges are filed. He is being court martialed. Our hearts are broken.
The lawyer tells us that now the real work can begin and he needs another $14,000 to fight for our son. Our son tells us his Air Force lawyers are changing so he really wants the paid lawyer. Of course we agree and put it on credit cards.
More time passes with little word from the lawyer until our son send us a plea deal he has been asked to sign. The plea deal is admitting guilt and no more than 18 months in jail. We hit panic mode and call the lawyer while I start researching possible defenses online. Our son calls us back, crying, "I did this. I am sorry. I screwed up" I send a message to the lawyer who tells us there is no hope.
Our son signs the plea.
To him it is black or white.
To us it is the nail in the coffin.
The only hope now is that the judge will take mercy and give him a short sentence.
The plea deal is denied. They want 3 years. He signs it. He is resigned to his fate.
Now we have to give the lawyers names of people who are close to us so they can ask for character witness letters and possible testimony. Names of people who do not know what he has done. Names of people who will now know what he has done.
Who will potentially judge us for what he has done. Judge us as being terrible parents, who did not teach our sons better. How could we let our son think that this was ok? Of course we have already judged ourselves and tried to figure out what we did wrong. What parent wouldn't?
The calls from the lawyer go out and the calls to us come in. "What did he do?"
We are surprised at the number of people who we thought would judge us the harshest instead tell us they will pray for us. And of course they would write letters. He is such a good person. We are dismayed to find that those who we thought we were closest to will not even call us back. The ones we vacation with, who we have known for over 15 years. Those are the ones who do not respond.
You find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this.
Now we wait.
The letters have been sent.
The hearing is in a week.
It is in the hands of the lawyer who has not proven himself to us and to a judge who does not know our son.
We wait and we pray.