Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and surprisingly it was much like last Thanksgiving except this one small Thanksgiving was thanks to Covid. However that did not make it any easier.
The stress of all of this is taking its toll.
MJ called late. Somehow he got permission even though it was after lights out. He sounded down. They apparently ran out of food before his group got to eat so he pretty much had scraps. Which I guess most people might shrug and say "Well he is in prison" which is true, but it does not make it any easier.
His parole hearing with the actual parole board is in January. Honestly though we are so tired of even having to deal with all of it. It is all just so much.
There are moments of light and joy. I put our Christmas decorations up early this year. I needed it. This was the first year I have ever put the decorations up or played Christmas music before Thanksgiving ever. It's kind of nice.
I am trying to find joy. It used to be there all of the time. Now it is only there in small moments. So now I actively seek it. I look for it everywhere. It is much harder to find now. But at least I am looking.
I recently read the published journal of a dad after his son died. At one point he wrote that he used to have islands of sadness in his world of joy--in his first years of grief it reversed to islands of joy in an ocean of sadness. I actually contacted the author and got a response--it's now many years since his son's death and he said the sadness has receded quite a bit but has never disappeared--and he wouldn't want it to.
ReplyDeleteI remember when things were more bleak and intense for me, looking especially for things of beauty--music, nature, art, etc. Maybe I said that here already. It wasn't so much that I enjoyed them like I used to. But I gained a bit of stability knowing that beauty still existed in the world, after being surrounded by so much ugliness.
Its interesting that this type of thing can be compared to the death of a child. I think there are some similarities. It is the death of any normal way of life for sure. It is the death of trust. And it is the death of the son that we once knew. He if different in our eyes. It's sad that he realizes that there has been a change. It's why he did not want to tell us originally.
DeleteThere are more ok days among the dark days now. But I think this time of year will be really difficult for quite awhile.
https://support-for-families.boards.net/thread/2287/why-feel-death https://support-for-families.boards.net/thread/2402/why-feel-death-2 I think you have to log in your account there for the links to work. I was surprised at how much I related to what the man described in his book. It's called Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff.
ReplyDeleteI didn't hear a word from my son this Thanksgiving. If my daughter was choosing to stay away from him it would make sense to me. But when he's the one who can't handle being with us it is confusing--although I just have to trust that he's doing what he needs to for himself right now and God has him.