Friendships

 I had an interesting conversation with M last night. (He calls every couple of weeks now) We were talking about his parole hearing in October when we were interrupted by someone talking to him and him laughing and telling them he was talking to his mom, with the next comment being "You are loved here".

What an odd thing to hear about other inmates and also just to hear him laugh. He told me there is more camaraderie in prison then being in the actual military. He said "Believe it or not I have made friends here." 

The combination of him telling me I am loved by other inmates and that he has friends there is a bit sad. I think. I am really not sure how I feel about it. He obviously feels close enough to these other men to tell them of his home life and to create bonds with them. Granted these bonds are created because of close quarters and a commonality of being in prison for similar actions. 

I am grateful that he does not seem to have changed as far as him being always upbeat. He has always been the one child who never had any problem making friends. However while he was in the military he did seem to have a hard time. He had a few close friends that he made after he was under investigation but he never mentioned being close to anyone else. I am not sure why that was. I always hear of the military being a brotherhood but somehow my son who never had any problem at all making friends out of the military had a difficult time with it while in. 

Knowing how my son is such a social creature it somehow makes me wonder if that is why he looked at what he did. (I know I can make all kinds of excuses for him and there really is no excuse. But I have always been the type of person to try to figure out what makes people do what they do and why they are the way they are. ) I know that when I get bored I tend to get curious about random things. M has always been closest like me. Knowing him the way I do I has been trying to figure out why. Maybe I will never know. I honestly don't think he even knows why he did it. 

Boredom will drive us to do things and try things we would not have normally. 

Attempting to live

It has been a year since we found out what M was being investigated for. 8 months since he was incarcerated. 4 months since the Covid hell took a massive bite out of our business. 

To be honest the past couple of years have just been Hell. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been bright spots. But overall it is just shit. But lets discuss the bright spots as a reminder to myself lest I become ungrateful.

We have somehow been able to pay all of the bills.  Yes Hubby is working nights at Hell and somehow I was able to get unemployment but I can't rule out Gods hand in that.

M is still staying upbeat and enjoys working in the wood shop. He has always been the upbeat child, much like myself. So it is hard to keep him down for long.

R and his wife are getting along and making the marriage work. Considering he thought they would be divorced by now this is a good thing. 

J has a couple of groups of friends that are helping him through this. As much as he does not open up his friends help.

I can see God in our lives and I do try my best to be grateful. Right now it is harder than ever. This pandemic is causing an incredible amount of stress in our lives. (Yes I know we are not alone in that) Compounded with the stress of a child in prison and Hubby working nights...well...the tears comes in waves. We can go days without a thought and then it all slams home fresh again. 

I know I know we will get through all of this. But life will never be the same. When M comes home the stress begins again because of the restrictions of the list. 

For now we are just trying to survive. I guess that is really all that we can do. 

Survive

Survival

Sigh. It is still going!!!! Will it never end? Sigh.

Work is in chaos. 

The unknown is painful.

I guess there will be good to come from all of this. Hard to believe. Somehow we have gotten the bills paid. That is mostly because Hubby is working at Hell. 

M seems to be doing well, at least. HE is sheltered from all of this Hell. Who knew being in prison would be better than being out in real life. 

I know that is not true but it sure feels like it. His biggest complaint this week was that they played the Lord of The Rings movie and shut it off half way through because they only play movies for 90 minutes. 

Yes we will pull through this. I think. But it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is so incredibly long and twisted. 

Reminders

I was browsing through posts of an old blog I used to write. I was actually looking for a different post that was coming to mind, but my eyes fell here. I know this to be true, because even in the worst of times, even when we think that God is not there, how could he possibly be, he makes Himself known. Maybe not in the big ways that we would like, but in small ways, like being able to pay the bills. Like work coming in when so many others do not have any. Like staying healthy in times of a pandemic. In small reminders like old writings coming to mind. He is here. Always.

"Today Psalm 121 found me. I say found me, because I was not looking for anything in particular, I was browsing when my eyes stopped. I don't take that for granted. Obviously I was meant to stop. 

Sometimes we need a reminder that He is watching over us.  Sometimes we need a reminder that He is here. Miracles do actually still happen. It is just that our faith is lacking to see them. 

He is here"

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

2 

My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 

He will not let your foot slip—

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 

indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 

The Lord watches over you—

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6 

the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

7 

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

8 

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.

Eh

So normally this is a fun week. Or at least a decent one. And this should have been a GREAT week. Instead Mother's Day, our 30th wedding anniversary and my birthday have all gone by with the blink of an eye. Sigh

Yes I am whining. I am complaining. I am sad. 

I know I really have nothing to be upset about. God has watched over us and somehow as usual has made good out of the bad. We are surviving. We are paying our bills. 

But I think sometimes we are allowed to feel a bit sorry for ourselves. For the loss of our normal lives. For the losses of others, like high school seniors who are missing their senior year. For the weddings that are being postponed and heaven forbid cancelled. For the hugs and hand holding that cannot happen right now. 

And right now I am feeling sorry for myself. 

My 30th wedding anniversary. That's a big one. We spent it home with chinese take out and champagne and Netflix. 

Mother's Day the kids all called, even M. I got a hug from the youngest. And called my mom. 

My birthday...well that is today. I am up early as usual. I do not expect much other than a phone call and  my Facebook blowing up with well wishes. 

I should be grateful for all that I have. 

But instead I am sad for what I am missing. I am crying over nothing. 

Social Distancing sucks

Avoidance

6 1/2 months so far.
April 2022 is his expected release date with good behavior.
It seems like forever.
I have started avoiding everything to do his offense. I stopped going to the support groups. I stopped reading articles. I just can't anymore.
I can't read about people who are going through the trials of the list anymore. The people who come onto the groups to harass and berate them for trying to live some semblance of a normal life.  The parents like us who can't believe what their child has done. I just can't.
I know so much now and I know it is just the tip of the iceberg. We have avoided telling M what is in store for him when he comes home. He is so naive. I love that about him. And he does not need to know how his life will change.
He thinks he will live with us for a short time before getting an apartment.
He thinks getting a job will be easy.
He asked about going to comic cons. I did not have the heart to tell him it was no longer his choice.
He does not know that he will not be able to go to his children's schools when he has them or that they may even try to keep him from the hospital when they are born.
He does not know that the list will make him a pariah and that society will not accept him as a good person. That he will forever be labeled as a terrible human being.
So far prison does not seem to have changed him too much, but I fear that the list will.
I have avoided telling him what he is in for.
I have to step back and leave that all for when he comes home.
I know I won't be able to avoid it completely, it's our life now, but I can't go to the groups daily anymore.
It is going to be a long 2 years.

Socially Distant

Funny how the media is calling this the "New Normal". This is mostly our normal normal.
I read on social media about parents complaining about their kids being home and how they can't handle being around their spouses 24/7, people buying puppies because they have time for them now and it makes me sad.
Why did you get married if you can't stand to spend time with your spouse?
Why did you have kids if you can't handle being a parent?
If you did not have time for a puppy prior to the virus what makes you think you will have the time in a month when you go back to work?
All of this makes me realize that I am a bit different from normal people. I am a pro at social distancing. I like being home and shopping online. I don't mind only going to the grocery when I need to. I like meeting with my potential clients via Skype vs in person.
I like being around my husband. I like spending time with him even when we are just sitting on our laptops not talking, just being.
We have a dog because we work from home all but one or two days a week. Not because we have time now, but because we always have time.
I like seeing our grandson once a week and when our kids were young we worked from home, so we were with them all the time. To the point that they still enjoy being around us.
People complain about all of the things that we have enjoyed for the past 30 years. They don't get that this is how it should be!
You should love being around your spouse all of the time.
You should love being around your kids all of the time.
You should have pets when you have time to devote to them all of the time.
I know we are mostly social creatures but I think the priorities of this world have changed from being family insular to being socially outward.
Maybe this will remind people of what is really important.
Our families