Avoidance

Yep. That is my life right now. Maybe it is just recently. 

Nope it is who I am. Although now it is more to the extreme. 

I avoid small group just because I don't feel like talking.

I avoid responding to messages. 

I avoid family. 

I avoid socializing.

So what do I do? 

I hide in my make believe worlds in online games. 

I hide behind personas in forums.

I make excuses

My mother would say I am suffering from depression. Really? No kidding. 

I have always been known for being an incredibly upbeat person. The eternal optimist. No so much anymore. I try and dig myself out of the hole that I am in and it just does not happen. Occasionally there are rays of sunlight. And in those rays of light I can see who I used to be and who I still want to be. But then I go into hiding again. The fog is soothing. In the fog I don't have to smile and be upbeat. In the fog I can hide behind the computer screen and not think about life. I know I need the light. My motto is "Seek Light Always" But lately the light at the end of the tunnel is just so far away. I need to pull myself up and give myself a kick in the rear and start trudging towards the light. But this is not one of those days. This is a rainy gloomy, hide under the covers kind of day.

Maybe tomorrow 

Justice is Served?

 MJs parole hearing did not go as we would have liked. Nor did it go in the favor of 4 other SOs in his pod. He had not even sat back down to wait for the verdict before they called him back in to decline. Same with the other 4. 

However they did grant parole to someone who had been in for less than a year and had committed murder. 

Justice? 

Parole Hearing

 MJ has a parole hearing today. This is the first step to him coming home potentially this spring. Which means it is all becoming real what we will be faced with living with him being on the registry. The impact on our lives is becoming more and more real. 

I have spent the last few months trying to remove myself from it all. At least for a little while. To try to live a semi normal life with Hubby working nights and trying to work through a pandemic and being alone most of the time. It is all mentally draining and thinking about the impact of when MJ comes home is just more than I can/could bear. 

A couple of weeks ago MJ asked me to contact the local police and try to get a letter confirming that he could legally live here. My bubble of mental wellness has been officially broken. It is all real again. The talks with family discussing it all have begun again. Because family who told us they were supportive suddenly are not. The stress of making sure our business is not connected in anyway with our home address. The new worry that the neighborhood will be notified that an SO is living here. 

This comment on a forum struck me.

"Sorry you’re going through this but also thank you for not kicking out your kid and disowning him. I’ve seen that happen to many times to younger people." 

It truly made me sad. No matter how difficult this all is, I could not imagine disowning him or not allowing him to live here. Yes this is going to be incredibly hard. Especially if the whole neighborhood finds out. But we will get through this. We will get through this together. Yes family and friends may decide they do not want to be a part of our lives anymore. That will be hard. But not supporting our son would be even harder. 

He did something incredibly stupid. But if God can still love him and forgive him then who I am to judge him? It is not my place to judge. I do not have the authority to judge a person for mistakes and sins. The charge I have been given is to love and forgive. 

And that is what I intend to do.