Life as we know it

 It seems our lives revolve around doctors now. Have we hit the target age? LOL 

Monday was spend seeing a specialist for Rs substernal thyroid goiter. Good news, I guess. No cancer but the surgeon said he has a second heart! The goiter is so large. We got to see images of it and it is huge. It has pushed his trachea completely over to the other side instead of being straight up and down. Fortunately it does not have to be completely removed. Only one side is massive, so no extra meds and it can all be done in one day! Since it is not cancer we just need to pick a day/week for it to be removed. 

Tuesday was spend at a cancer center for me. My mammogram had a couple of areas that looked enlarged. Good news again! No cancer and just a mammography fault. 

My stress level has greatly reduced today. I really had no idea how scared I was about both. I broke down a little bit when they gave us the ultrasound results for me. 

Dating

 He met a girl! M signed up for a dating app and they have been chatting and have had a few dates now. He was so nervous the first date. He just left for their 4th date. She does not live locally though. She is from Wisconsin and is in town for a few months on an internship before going hone for Thanksgiving and then back to college in another state. 

He likes her a lot. 

He has not told her yet. And we have advised him not to yet. Since she is leaving town in a few weeks there is really no reason to bring all of that into the mix. Obviously if it extends beyond just dating then there will need to be a conversation. It is not like he can easily move to another state to be with her if she does not want to move here. 

So we will wait and see if anything comes of this. Or if it is just a diversion for him. It is great to see him so happy right now. 

Stress and shutting up

 He has decided he is ok to change his meds when he wants to to try to diagnose side effects. His mother apparently approves and I get shut down when I disagree. I am so tired. I can't say anything anymore. He knows better than the doctors. He Googles it and finds something that agrees with him and that is what he goes with. He rants to his mother constantly because I am sick of it and attempt to shut him down. He just does not get it. I know he wants to be in control of his own body, his own healing, meds etc. But he won't trust the doctors. He just keeps going rouge and I can't say anything without getting accused of micro-managing and not understanding. I can't seem to say anything right anymore. So I shut up and he thinks I am angry with him. I am really not, I am just tired. I can't go through that again. I can't wait to find out if he is going to live again. He will never understand. 

Sleep

 Or the lack there of'

Sigh

My dreams are all of that day

I don't know why. It has been 10 weeks. Why am I dreaming about seeing him before he goes to surgery and then when it is over. The visuals are killing me. The stress and fear are mind numbing. 

PTSD

 I remember the nurses at the hospital telling us that hubby might have some form of PTSD from almost dying. And the shock of everything, plus the effects of not being able to do as he used to right away. His primary care doctor said the same thing when we saw her last week. 

Of course they are right. He does have things that make him pause and fears now that were not there before. He made bread the other day and the smell of the dough caught him off guard. Since that was what he was doing when his aneurism burst. 

I guess I did not connect though, that I have PTSD as well. When he talks about how frustrating it is for him that he is not back to normal or how ticked off at how often he has to go to the doctors now, I get pissed off. I snapped the other day when he was complaining about how he is sick of doctors. Sometimes I get sick of his complaining. He is alive! I don't care how many doctors he has to see. He is alive. It's worth it. 

We were working together last weekend and a friend who had not seen or talked to hubby since the hospital was there and was thrilled to get to see and talk to hubby. Hubby relayed to me something the friend had said that struck me. 

P said that the first thing he thought of when he heard about hubby was me. He knows the kind of relationship hubby and I have and while he was worried for hubby he also worried about how I was. 

Honestly it was the first time in 10 weeks that anyone had said that they thought about me and what I was going through. Our two best friends were there at the hospital for me, so yes I had support, but this was different. All thoughts and prayers, as they should be, have been for hubby and him living and healing. I guess I just felt like it was the first time someone saw me. 

Selfish I know. 

I am not sure he will ever know what I went through that day. Just like I will never really know how he was feeling spending a week in the hospital. 

I think we are both going through PTSD. 

Selfishness

 I hate that about myself. I hate that I was upset, not upset upset, that R was not feeling well enough for us to go to a friends 4th of July party. 

He has been doing great! But one of his meds ended and the withdrawals from it is making him sick. 

I mean I wasn't really upset, but I was. I feel terrible that I was disappointed. I shouldn't feel like that. I should and do feel grateful that he is still here. I mean I cry with gratitude when we make love! 

But

Yeah there it is. But

I feel lonely. And tired.

The last 6 weeks have been stressful and long. And I want to go spend time with friends. I want to go out. I want to go back to before. 

He told me I should go without him. That is silly. They are our friends and going to drink and play in a pool without him is just not going to happen. 

I am just tired. And lonely. 

I will get through this. It's not about me. I am so incredibly grateful. I can't be selfish

Gratefulness

It really is amazing. I have always considered myself as a grateful person. I am convinced that all of the blessings bestowed on my/our lives are genuine gifts from God. That is a fact. 

But the moments of just sheer gratitude lately have me on the verge of tears at a continuous basis. I will brake down in tears at moments notice. I look across the room and see R in his chair or hear the continuous tic tic of his artificial heart valve and I can't help it. 

The blessings are continuous lately and I really am beside myself with joy. 

We own a commercial property that we ran our business out of for about 15 years, covid put an end to that and we have been trying to sell it. It needs some pretty obvious work done to it now and the listing had expired last year. Last week someone randomly contacted me through an odd source and they made us a cash offer to close on it this week! 

When friends heard about R being in the hospital I can't count how many stepped forward to offer help with our business. 

When I posted on Twitter about needing prayers for R, my post was shared to thousands of people! I have gotten random messages from people lately asking how he is doing. 

The doctors and nurses at the hospital were absolutely amazing!

I am grateful and blessed just to have him alive and still in my life. But the amount of blessings that we have received in the past few weeks has just blown me away. I can't control my emotions anymore. I have stopped even trying. It's worth it. I am blessed beyond words and I give all praise to God. Without Him I know nothing would be the same.