Closer

 5 months

On one hand it is almost half a year on the other hand it is remarkably close. 5 months and he will be home. 

M had another parole hearing and it was denied. It still has to go to the government of course but we really don't think he will get it. Even without parole he will be released in 5 months. The prospect is scary as well as sad and happy. 

Happy because we get to see him for the first time in almost 3 years (Other than 1 video call a couple of months ago). And we miss him. I miss his excellent hugs and his cheerfulness. 

Scary because of the unknown. We know so little of how we will be impacted by him being home. And what we do know scares us. 

Sad because of the loss of his future. Or at least the future he should have had if he had not done something so incredibly stupid. 

He sad the other day that he would probably never get married. This is the son who wanted to get married and have a ton of kids. I am hoping he can have a more normal life and find someone who will accept him. 

It is all coming back again. I had been able to ignore the inevitable for awhile and now it is so close. I am not quite sure what to do. 

Mother's Day

 Another Mothers Day is here. 

Our oldest called. Our youngest grunted. And the middle...well...he will probably try to call tonight. 

I am not sure what I expected for Mother's Days. I see moms post pictures on FB about their wonderful kids and the gifts and dinners. Last Mothers Day was the first I got to spend at home. And that was because of Covid. This year is a choice.

 I am exhausted. Mentally and physically. Work has picked up a lot. A lot a lot. I am so busy that Hubby is leaving his job at Hell because there is so much to do. That's a good thing. But because work has picked up I am unable to spend a day driving 2 hours to and from my mothers often. To which she guilts me endlessly. Instead of living 4 1/2 hours away she moved closer, but 2 hours is still 2 hours away. 

My mother has never let me forget that I have not visited her for Mothers day. She does not like my excuses. That I own a business and 90% of the time I am working the weekend of Mothers day. It is also sometimes our wedding anniversary. This has all gotten worse after my sister went no contact. Now it falls on me. 

My mother has admitted she is very selfish and has told me many times she should have never had children. She has also told me that she wonders often how different her life would have been if she had given me up for adoption, which was the original plan. She does not have patience for her grand children and great grand children but wants to be involved because...I don't know why. It is totally for selfish reasons. She suffers from depression and uses it to manipulate the people in her lives, which is only me. She has a neurotic dog which is another excuse to encourage her depression and general unhappiness. 

All of that being said. I could drive down to see her today but I just don't want to. I don't want to spend 4 hours driving to see her and listen to her lament about how terrible her life is and how she wishes she had both of her daughters together for Mothers Day. And honestly, I am exhausted. I worked my ass off this weekend and it is miserable and raining out and I don't want to go.

But I feel guilty. 

I can't help it. 

I hate Mothers Day.

Pariahs

 Mamaw's funeral has come and gone. M not being there was palpable to us. 

This is rough.

He has no idea how what he did is affecting us and our lives. There was actually a bit of relief that he had not gotten parole. I am still not sure how we will cope when he does. 

One thing is certain, the sister in law and brother who said they supported us no longer do. The ones that we knew instinctively that if/when they found out they would not speak to us. We are not sure what happened but SIL would not even look at me and basically ignored us at the funeral. This was the woman who took me out to breakfast after she found out and said we were crazy for thinking they would not support us, How M was her nephew and no matter what he did she would be there for him/us. So much for that.

We have always considered ourselves the black sheep of the family. Nothing ever changes.  

Grandparents

 We are waiting on the call. The call from my mother in law telling us our last remaining grandparent has passed away. 

Mamaw has had it rough the last few years. She outlived her husband, Papaw. She has outlived a 9 month cancer prognosis by 2 years. She lived in a neglectful nursing care home where she broke her wrist, her ankle and her hip. She was moved to a wonderful home a few months ago. And of course this past year has lived without seeing her family except through a window. 

She has had a good life. She married her childhood sweetheart and had a marriage that hubby and I strive to emulate. They moved from her childhood home in a tiny Southern town to the big city. She raised two daughters. She has 6 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren and one great great grandchild. 

I have known Mamaw longer than I knew my own grandparents who died in 1998. She and Papaw are my grandparents even if it is by marriage. They accepted and embraced me as their own granddaughter. I have never felt like an in-law. 

The pain at the loss is palpable. Even though she is not yet gone I am mourning. Maybe the knowing it is coming is worse than the shock of it happening. I have longer to mourn the coming loss. I remember the heartbreak when my Grandma died and then when Grandpa died months later. The shock and pain and grief. I have caught myself crying in remembrance of them even now years later. When Papaw died it was a shock and I felt the same as when my own grandparents died. With Mamaw it has been different. She was diagnosed with cancer and given 9 months over 2 years ago, we mourned a bit then. Every holiday was to be her last. But then she kept fighting and two years later she is still here. There have been many many times when my MIL would call telling us Mamaw was not doing well and to come visit because she may not last the week. And we did, until Covid. This last year the visits have been window side at her new home. The calls are more frequent but she always seems to pull through. Two weeks ago we thought that was it and then we were Facetiming her while she ate ice cream feeling so much better. Yesterday though, the call came that my MIL and aunt should be at her side until the end. This was yesterday afternoon. 

And now we wait. 

My heart is breaking.

And it's a No

 The news is not good. 

"They believe that I have not served enough time. "continued confinement is the most appropriate  disposition at this time." "the board determined that parole approval would depreciate the seriousness of my confining offenses.' "

Well that sucks. 

They are recommending Mandatory Supervised Release (MSR) at his minimum release date which will be next April.  I guess we will find out what that all means soon. 

Sigh

Hurry up and Wait

I think that is the motto of the military. 

M has still not heard anything. We were all told 2 weeks, but obviously that is in military time. So we wait. 

His great grandmother is not doing well. She is in continuous care right now and they are allowing my MIL and aunt in to visit for a couple of hours at a time. So we know it is close. I am not sure how to go about telling him when she passes. I messaged him last night to tell him she was not doing well. But I never know when he reads his messages. I doubt very highly they would let him come home for the funeral. I know that will destroy him. I am not really sure what to do. 

And it's done

 And there is nothing else we can do. 

The parole hearing was yesterday and it went about as well as could be expected, I guess. I don't know what we expected. 

How it worked. 

We had a time to call in and speak in support of M. It was all done via call conferencing because of Covid. Once we called they made sure everyone was in on the call and then asked if we had anything to say, we had 30 minutes. R had prepared talking points based on what I knew we needed to touch on. He did most of the speaking fortunately. 

The moderator actually commented that we had done our research. 

After we spoke they had the opportunity to ask questions. Only one person had questions as well as the moderator. (That was not what he was called I just don't remember) M had put that we would employ him he returns home in his parole plan. They did not like that. We are photographers and they were concerned that he might be around children. (Whatever) We also had in there that we live in an area with a high concentration of warehouses he could be employed at. As well as friends in construction who have already said they would put him to work. 

I get that they don't want him in a situation that could tempt him. But thinking he is going to pick up a camera at a wedding and start taking pictures of little kids while he is surrounded by a hundred people is just crazy. And they want him to reintegrate with society. They can't expect him to never be around kids (supervised of course). This concern seemed overly dramatic.

We had been told that we needed to get him a therapist that would agree to work with him. I found one, only to be told by the moderator that the parole office has their own therapists they will want him to work with. 

Overall I have no idea what they will decide. I think we did well. We should know in a couple of weeks.

There is a weight that has been lifted from us though. There is nothing else we can do. He either comes home in this Spring or next. And it is out of our hands. There is relief in that.