Selfishness

 I hate that about myself. I hate that I was upset, not upset upset, that R was not feeling well enough for us to go to a friends 4th of July party. 

He has been doing great! But one of his meds ended and the withdrawals from it is making him sick. 

I mean I wasn't really upset, but I was. I feel terrible that I was disappointed. I shouldn't feel like that. I should and do feel grateful that he is still here. I mean I cry with gratitude when we make love! 

But

Yeah there it is. But

I feel lonely. And tired.

The last 6 weeks have been stressful and long. And I want to go spend time with friends. I want to go out. I want to go back to before. 

He told me I should go without him. That is silly. They are our friends and going to drink and play in a pool without him is just not going to happen. 

I am just tired. And lonely. 

I will get through this. It's not about me. I am so incredibly grateful. I can't be selfish

Gratefulness

It really is amazing. I have always considered myself as a grateful person. I am convinced that all of the blessings bestowed on my/our lives are genuine gifts from God. That is a fact. 

But the moments of just sheer gratitude lately have me on the verge of tears at a continuous basis. I will brake down in tears at moments notice. I look across the room and see R in his chair or hear the continuous tic tic of his artificial heart valve and I can't help it. 

The blessings are continuous lately and I really am beside myself with joy. 

We own a commercial property that we ran our business out of for about 15 years, covid put an end to that and we have been trying to sell it. It needs some pretty obvious work done to it now and the listing had expired last year. Last week someone randomly contacted me through an odd source and they made us a cash offer to close on it this week! 

When friends heard about R being in the hospital I can't count how many stepped forward to offer help with our business. 

When I posted on Twitter about needing prayers for R, my post was shared to thousands of people! I have gotten random messages from people lately asking how he is doing. 

The doctors and nurses at the hospital were absolutely amazing!

I am grateful and blessed just to have him alive and still in my life. But the amount of blessings that we have received in the past few weeks has just blown me away. I can't control my emotions anymore. I have stopped even trying. It's worth it. I am blessed beyond words and I give all praise to God. Without Him I know nothing would be the same. 

Praise God!

 Thank you Lord! 

Medicaid came through and paid for everything. 

I can't even relay how grateful I am. I am crying tears of relief and joy right now. I was so worried about Hubby that I had not even thought about how stressed I was about the bills that were racking up. Yesterday we over 250,000 today that amount is 0. I can't believe it. Thank God! Thank you Lord! 

Navigating the New Normal

 Again!

LOL! When it rains it pours. 

We are blessed. Truly blessed. He is alive and according to the doctors a miracle. Which it totally think he is as well. 

When hubby went to the first hospital the first CT scan found a mass on his Thyroid. They decided to do a second more extensive CT scan based on that. They did not see the heart issue until the second scan. So if they had not found the mass they would not have looked further and probably sent him home with a pill where he would have died. 

He has an mechanical valve now, which means blood thinners for the rest of his life. Navigating the foods he can't have because of the Warfarin and the foods he can't have because of the salt content is a daily process. 

The Warfarin requires he get blood work done, currently daily, to determine how much blood thinner he needs. Hopefully after a few weeks his visits will be less and less. They compared it to insulin. Each person needs a different amount and also depending on the food he eats it will change as well. Crazy complicated stuff. 

On top of navigating that, he has appointments for scans for the thyroid mass. Which if they decide it should be removed there will be complications with the Warfarin. They did say that even if it is cancer that thyroid cancer is very treatable and very slow moving. But we still hope that is not the case. 

The rest of his recovery is going ok. Although slower than he would like. He is frustrated by the lack of energy that he has. That he is exhausted after walking down the steps. It's a long slow process and we will get through it. 

I am just grateful that he is here to go through it.   

He's Home!

 Just that! He's home! 

The MIL tried to tell us that he would be better riding in her sports car because it would be a smoother ride. I shut her down. How was he going to get in and out of her little car? I ignored her messages and got him home quite easily on my own. 

It's all good. He's HOME!

Ugh Stress

We thought hubby was coming home today. Surprise! Nope, not yet. 

His mother showed up again at the hospital. "My baby" Then proceeded to chatter and nag about everything. She started off by telling him that he needs to know what a miracle he is and how so many people had been praying for him. EVERY time she sees him she says the same thing. HE KNOWS! 

I got into it with her. I am sick and tired of her. She just does not know when to stop. He tries to nap and she talks and talks and talks. She tells him he should nap and then does not shut up.

She made some comment about moving so she was not looking at his parts and I lost it. The other day she refused to look away when he was getting into the bed with his ass out. He is an adult! I don't care if you have seen it before, it is rude to keep staring at a grown mans ass when he is incapacitated. She is incredibly condescending. 

She started accusing me of being competitive and I was competing with her and if something happened to my boys that I would be the same way. I am sorry but NO! I will not! 

Deep breath

One of his nurses told me that they noticed when she walked in the room his blood pressure jumped 30 points. They watched it happen every time she walks in the room. 

Just Breath

I can do this. I can get through this. 

He will come home tomorrow. She will probably be there nagging the whole way and want to follow us home to "help". 

It is his mother though and he can't tell her to stay away. So I guess I just have to suck it up. 

I can do it. I promise. I can do it.

A Long Week

 It is Sunday

No wait sorry it's Monday

I have spent every day from 8-8 at the hospital. I can't even think straight anymore. Today is the first day that I am not able to be there at 8am and it is because I have a client meeting that I can't afford to get out of. So I sent one of the boys. I don't want him alone at the hospital if at all possible. I can't imagine being there alone. It's bad enough he is there at all. 

I am mentally exhausted. 

His mother comes every day and moons over "her baby", talks constantly and critics the nurses. I can't stand it. I am sick of seeing her. I am sick of listening to her. I am sick of her. On a normal basis I can tolerate her in small doses and now I have her everyday. I am about to lose it.

The boys are wonderful. They are so sweet checking to make sure that I eat and sleep. I do forget to eat. But sleep comes pretty fast and easy. I am home by 8:30ish and in bed by 10. I can't stay awake any longer. 

My brain just does not seem to know how to work anymore. I am not sure that I will know what to do with myself when he comes home. 

Yesterday tears were at the surface all day. I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support that we have received. I almost lost it when I was working with a friend to get work covered. I did lose it when I read the letter I had typed out to tell our clients what had happened. I lost it when his wonderful nurse came in to say goodbye, she is off the next two days and we may not see her before he leaves. 

It's Monday I have to try to remember that. Memorial day. Right. Monday. OK. I can do this.