And it's done

 And there is nothing else we can do. 

The parole hearing was yesterday and it went about as well as could be expected, I guess. I don't know what we expected. 

How it worked. 

We had a time to call in and speak in support of M. It was all done via call conferencing because of Covid. Once we called they made sure everyone was in on the call and then asked if we had anything to say, we had 30 minutes. R had prepared talking points based on what I knew we needed to touch on. He did most of the speaking fortunately. 

The moderator actually commented that we had done our research. 

After we spoke they had the opportunity to ask questions. Only one person had questions as well as the moderator. (That was not what he was called I just don't remember) M had put that we would employ him he returns home in his parole plan. They did not like that. We are photographers and they were concerned that he might be around children. (Whatever) We also had in there that we live in an area with a high concentration of warehouses he could be employed at. As well as friends in construction who have already said they would put him to work. 

I get that they don't want him in a situation that could tempt him. But thinking he is going to pick up a camera at a wedding and start taking pictures of little kids while he is surrounded by a hundred people is just crazy. And they want him to reintegrate with society. They can't expect him to never be around kids (supervised of course). This concern seemed overly dramatic.

We had been told that we needed to get him a therapist that would agree to work with him. I found one, only to be told by the moderator that the parole office has their own therapists they will want him to work with. 

Overall I have no idea what they will decide. I think we did well. We should know in a couple of weeks.

There is a weight that has been lifted from us though. There is nothing else we can do. He either comes home in this Spring or next. And it is out of our hands. There is relief in that.

Parole Hearing

 Tomorrow 

Well tomorrow is Ms last chance to come home early. 

The official parole hearing. The one that matters. The one in DC. 

We call in and speak our piece. To try to convince them that M would be better off at home. Which to us seems totally logical and well duh of course he would be better off at home. But to them he is a terrible person who did horrible things and should be kept locked away as long as possible. 

Yeah I know. They may not really think that. But it seems most people do. 

I am scared. We really have no idea what we are supposed to say. If we say the right things he gets to come home in May. If not it will be next May. 

We are all nervous. 

My father in law has started buying him tools to start a wood working business. This man who was never around for his own son. Who did not show up for our wedding. The one who can only spare one day when we come visit. Is being so incredibly supportive of M. While Rs own brother ,Ms uncle, is having second thoughts, his father is sending tools to help him succeed. 

I just can't. 

New Year

Well 2021 has certainly started off with a bang! 

A worldwide pandemic and riots at the capitol building. It is all scary. We sit in disbelief and watch the chaos happening. The censorship that has begun with the banning of the president from Twitter and Apple and Google removing Parlor from their app stores. 

At first I was thrilled that Trump had been removed from Twitter until I realized what this means. Or rather a friend from another part of the world commented that he never thought the US would move towards socialism and more censorship. And he's right. 

I do believe those who rioted and caused damage should be prosecuted. I also believe after watching Trumps speech that morning that he encouraged it. But I don't think it took too much to encourage it. 

Protests are a way of getting a message across. There has been a lot of protesting in the past few years. The problem is when protests turn to riots. The initial message gets lost when death and destruction take over. No one wants to support a cause when all you see is destruction, even if the cause is worthy. 

We are at a turning point in our country. One where we move towards heavier government control and censorship of those who do not agree with the "majority". 

We argue about "Free" healthcare and college education. While we all know that it is not really free. Nothing is ever really free. But the idea of it is a great selling point. The idea of not paying to go see a doctor is very appealing. Who wouldn't love that! But do we really want our government to be in charge of that? I am not sure I want to trust them with my health. 

Our country is so incredibly divided. We watch as the extremes of the left and right scream and yell and drown out the logical speech. We wish for some middle ground but the extremes are so incredibly vocal that it makes it impossible for anyone else to be heard. 

It is time for the middle ground, the logical speakers to push back against the extremes. 

OK time to get off my soapbox. 

Points of joy

About 10 years ago the diamond fell out of my wedding ring while we were camping. I discovered it on the way home and was legit inconsolable, we went back to search for it. I don't have a big stone, I never wanted one, so that made it harder to find. By some miracle we found it in the sheets of our bed. When we got home Hubby had to cut the ring off of my finger which of course did not go over well. I started wearing my 5th anniversary ring as a replacement until we could afford to get it fixed. Never realizing we would go through some difficult years making it impossible.

Fast forward to yesterday when I open a music box engraved with a quote that we have signed every card and letter with, playing You are my Sunshine, which is the song we sung with the boys from the time they were babies. Que the beginning of ugly cry. The next box did me in completely. I could not get my anniversary ring off fast enough.

This year was our 30th wedding anniversary. I can't imagine spending my life we anyone else.

M called yesterday evening as well. He sounded good. They got ham and hot chocolate for dinner. They have been building plexiglass barriers (Covid) in wood shop and he said they finally finished those so now he can get back to building other things. The parole hearing in DC is January 13th, so hopefully that will go well.

 

Christmas Apart

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. The Christmas tree was decorated with memories and love. Something was missing though. Someone is missing. Like the strand of lights that are out. There is a part of us not here. 

Granted this is not for a reason that is honorable. But be that as it may, there is still a hole where he should be. 

The stockings are hung except one hangs empty. I could not bear to not put it up. 

The Christmas tree is decorated and even contains the ceramic hand that was made when he was a child. But there is a strand of lights that are out. It seems almost fitting, really.

No big family Christmas this year. The pandemic solved that awkwardness. It is what it is.  

Wishing everyone a blessed Holiday Season. No matter where or how you celebrate.

Hugs

One of the things I miss the most about M is his hugs. He was always the most affectionate child. Always ready with a huge hug and an "I love you Mom". As a baby he was the sleep one who would snuggle close and fall asleep in my arms. He would just climb into my lap for snuggles at random times.

Our oldest and youngest are not like that. LOL! 

Our oldest is a rare one to give a hug and never initiates it. He was the baby who would twist and turn and push away from you even at birth. He gives side hugs and is much more serious. He is so much like his father.

Our youngest is a bit different. He is highly empathetic and emotional. But he tries to hide it. He hates that he is so emotional. When he was little he would yell at us if his brothers got in trouble. He has never been that terribly affectionate but would tolerate a hug. 

There has been a change in our youngest this past year. J will often walk up to me and ask if I want a hug! This is so unlike him. I am wondering if M said something to him. Or if his empathy knows that Mom just needs a hug.  

He gives huge hugs like M. 

I like this change in him.

Another Holiday

 Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and surprisingly it was much like last Thanksgiving except this one small Thanksgiving was thanks to Covid. However that did not make it any easier. 

The stress of all of this is taking its toll. 

MJ called late. Somehow he got permission even though it was after lights out. He sounded down. They apparently ran out of food before his group got to eat so he pretty much had scraps. Which I guess most people might shrug and say "Well he is in prison" which is true, but it does not make it any easier. 

His parole hearing with the actual parole board is in January. Honestly though we are so tired of even having to deal with all of it. It is all just so much. 

There are moments of light and joy. I put our Christmas decorations up early this year. I needed it. This was the first year I have ever put the decorations up or played Christmas music before Thanksgiving ever. It's kind of nice. 

I am trying to find joy. It used to be there all of the time. Now it is only there in small moments. So now I actively seek it. I look for it everywhere. It is much harder to find now. But at least I am looking.