Points of joy

About 10 years ago the diamond fell out of my wedding ring while we were camping. I discovered it on the way home and was legit inconsolable, we went back to search for it. I don't have a big stone, I never wanted one, so that made it harder to find. By some miracle we found it in the sheets of our bed. When we got home Hubby had to cut the ring off of my finger which of course did not go over well. I started wearing my 5th anniversary ring as a replacement until we could afford to get it fixed. Never realizing we would go through some difficult years making it impossible.

Fast forward to yesterday when I open a music box engraved with a quote that we have signed every card and letter with, playing You are my Sunshine, which is the song we sung with the boys from the time they were babies. Que the beginning of ugly cry. The next box did me in completely. I could not get my anniversary ring off fast enough.

This year was our 30th wedding anniversary. I can't imagine spending my life we anyone else.

M called yesterday evening as well. He sounded good. They got ham and hot chocolate for dinner. They have been building plexiglass barriers (Covid) in wood shop and he said they finally finished those so now he can get back to building other things. The parole hearing in DC is January 13th, so hopefully that will go well.

 

Christmas Apart

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. The Christmas tree was decorated with memories and love. Something was missing though. Someone is missing. Like the strand of lights that are out. There is a part of us not here. 

Granted this is not for a reason that is honorable. But be that as it may, there is still a hole where he should be. 

The stockings are hung except one hangs empty. I could not bear to not put it up. 

The Christmas tree is decorated and even contains the ceramic hand that was made when he was a child. But there is a strand of lights that are out. It seems almost fitting, really.

No big family Christmas this year. The pandemic solved that awkwardness. It is what it is.  

Wishing everyone a blessed Holiday Season. No matter where or how you celebrate.

Hugs

One of the things I miss the most about M is his hugs. He was always the most affectionate child. Always ready with a huge hug and an "I love you Mom". As a baby he was the sleep one who would snuggle close and fall asleep in my arms. He would just climb into my lap for snuggles at random times.

Our oldest and youngest are not like that. LOL! 

Our oldest is a rare one to give a hug and never initiates it. He was the baby who would twist and turn and push away from you even at birth. He gives side hugs and is much more serious. He is so much like his father.

Our youngest is a bit different. He is highly empathetic and emotional. But he tries to hide it. He hates that he is so emotional. When he was little he would yell at us if his brothers got in trouble. He has never been that terribly affectionate but would tolerate a hug. 

There has been a change in our youngest this past year. J will often walk up to me and ask if I want a hug! This is so unlike him. I am wondering if M said something to him. Or if his empathy knows that Mom just needs a hug.  

He gives huge hugs like M. 

I like this change in him.

Another Holiday

 Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and surprisingly it was much like last Thanksgiving except this one small Thanksgiving was thanks to Covid. However that did not make it any easier. 

The stress of all of this is taking its toll. 

MJ called late. Somehow he got permission even though it was after lights out. He sounded down. They apparently ran out of food before his group got to eat so he pretty much had scraps. Which I guess most people might shrug and say "Well he is in prison" which is true, but it does not make it any easier. 

His parole hearing with the actual parole board is in January. Honestly though we are so tired of even having to deal with all of it. It is all just so much. 

There are moments of light and joy. I put our Christmas decorations up early this year. I needed it. This was the first year I have ever put the decorations up or played Christmas music before Thanksgiving ever. It's kind of nice. 

I am trying to find joy. It used to be there all of the time. Now it is only there in small moments. So now I actively seek it. I look for it everywhere. It is much harder to find now. But at least I am looking.

Avoidance

Yep. That is my life right now. Maybe it is just recently. 

Nope it is who I am. Although now it is more to the extreme. 

I avoid small group just because I don't feel like talking.

I avoid responding to messages. 

I avoid family. 

I avoid socializing.

So what do I do? 

I hide in my make believe worlds in online games. 

I hide behind personas in forums.

I make excuses

My mother would say I am suffering from depression. Really? No kidding. 

I have always been known for being an incredibly upbeat person. The eternal optimist. No so much anymore. I try and dig myself out of the hole that I am in and it just does not happen. Occasionally there are rays of sunlight. And in those rays of light I can see who I used to be and who I still want to be. But then I go into hiding again. The fog is soothing. In the fog I don't have to smile and be upbeat. In the fog I can hide behind the computer screen and not think about life. I know I need the light. My motto is "Seek Light Always" But lately the light at the end of the tunnel is just so far away. I need to pull myself up and give myself a kick in the rear and start trudging towards the light. But this is not one of those days. This is a rainy gloomy, hide under the covers kind of day.

Maybe tomorrow 

Justice is Served?

 MJs parole hearing did not go as we would have liked. Nor did it go in the favor of 4 other SOs in his pod. He had not even sat back down to wait for the verdict before they called him back in to decline. Same with the other 4. 

However they did grant parole to someone who had been in for less than a year and had committed murder. 

Justice? 

Parole Hearing

 MJ has a parole hearing today. This is the first step to him coming home potentially this spring. Which means it is all becoming real what we will be faced with living with him being on the registry. The impact on our lives is becoming more and more real. 

I have spent the last few months trying to remove myself from it all. At least for a little while. To try to live a semi normal life with Hubby working nights and trying to work through a pandemic and being alone most of the time. It is all mentally draining and thinking about the impact of when MJ comes home is just more than I can/could bear. 

A couple of weeks ago MJ asked me to contact the local police and try to get a letter confirming that he could legally live here. My bubble of mental wellness has been officially broken. It is all real again. The talks with family discussing it all have begun again. Because family who told us they were supportive suddenly are not. The stress of making sure our business is not connected in anyway with our home address. The new worry that the neighborhood will be notified that an SO is living here. 

This comment on a forum struck me.

"Sorry you’re going through this but also thank you for not kicking out your kid and disowning him. I’ve seen that happen to many times to younger people." 

It truly made me sad. No matter how difficult this all is, I could not imagine disowning him or not allowing him to live here. Yes this is going to be incredibly hard. Especially if the whole neighborhood finds out. But we will get through this. We will get through this together. Yes family and friends may decide they do not want to be a part of our lives anymore. That will be hard. But not supporting our son would be even harder. 

He did something incredibly stupid. But if God can still love him and forgive him then who I am to judge him? It is not my place to judge. I do not have the authority to judge a person for mistakes and sins. The charge I have been given is to love and forgive. 

And that is what I intend to do.